Lived Experience Forum

[AshenShugar]

Hello,

I have been suffering from chronic cluster headaches for the past 18 years, the past 15 I have been on DSP. The clusters are so regular and severe, that I cannot perform work.

though the years i have struggled with depression and anxiety, my solution was to build a massive wall around me. I isolated myself and only kept a few friends that I rarely keep in touch with.

Then I met this girl we became friends fast, we understood and were there for each other.  She in a flicker of a moment tore down all my defenses and I hers, we shared so much of our deepest selves. A mutual friend said we were soul mates. But now she is gone.

I have never been close to any woman i have had a relationships with, so this was all new ground for me. Now I feel alone. After some brotherly advice to get back out and meet people I joined a dating site. Just filling the profile was so emotionally overwhelming. I broke down with a felling of worthlesness and undersirability. Who could be interested in a person on disability in this day and age. No matter how good the person is.

Sensing the spiral, I made some quick calls to help lines. The helped breifly as I unloaded all my emotions ,but now I feel alone again, it is a monster at the end of my bed waiting to devour me and his name is dispair.

I have been through councelling and I always found it somewhat helpful to help deal with troubles from my childhood etc. But the day to day issues it never really helped with. If i'm not going through an emotional breakdown at that time I have a tendancy to clam up.

[NatalieS]

Hi @AshenShugar

Welcome to the forums.

So much of what you wrote resonated with me.  My best and only friend in the real world, not forum land, is male and 20 years younger than I.  We randomly met on a bus late November.  In that short time we have become "soul mates".  We both suffer mental illness and his behaviours and conversations when the PTSD is triggered have been challenging for both of us. Our relationship is too important to both of us, for either of us to walk away when either of us is triggered, so we try and talk about things afterwards.  And my friend was on DSP when I met him, but to me that didn't make a difference.  I wanted to get to know him.  Please continue to write here as there are some wonderful and caring people who I consider to be forum friends.

[AshenShugar]

@NatalieS

It is hard to find people who understand.

Oddly the girl I was talking about is much younger than I. I know not everyone is shallow but It does affect your thinking and general outlook.

the dreaded conversation what do you do for work.... yeah thats a fun story.

[AshenShugar]

Today,

I tried to explain to the girl that i want to be her friend but I also needed space and time. This ended up in a fight, will we talk again I don't know, but she was the one person who cared and would listen and not judge.

So I tried to talk to my mum that just resulted in judgement and abuse, she was unwiling to listen.

I needed that.

[NatalieS]

hi @AshenShugar

I agree with you.  When my friend and I started catching up regularly he often asked why I was so nice to him as he was on DSP and had addiction issues.  He said he hoped I wasn't trying to save him, or think that he was my special project.  My response was that I cared and over time he has become very precious to me.  And because we both have trauma issues, there are times we falter and doubt each other's sincerity, but he is the best friend ever and our relationship is strong.  By the way, my friend knows more about me than my husband (but that's a story for another day).  As I've recently taken a redundancy package, I find it unusual that so many people define themselves by their "work" , and am noticing people drifting away when I tell them I'm not working at present....

[NatalieS]

PS: @AshenShugar

When my friend and I first started catching up, we both worked on establishing boundaries, and there are still times I accidentally stuff up by crossing those boundaries, but am always quick to apologise for doing so.  And since we met, we have given each other time and space.  I'm not always able to express exactly how I feel-because I love my friend as a brother and as a friend-but I do tell him that I'm not leaving him.  My mother is well in her 80s and does not understand how two people of the opposite sex can have such a relationship/friendship without sex, but she only knows what she knows, and I really love my mum, so we just agree to disagree.  And hey, even I don't know which way things will go with my friend, but I am so grateful to have him in my life.

[NatalieS]

And @AshenShugar

Please take things slowly as it seems like you've got alot going on in your life.  Don't be in too much of a rush to join dating sites unless its something you really want to do.  Be kind to yourself.  Take care.  

[AshenShugar]

@NatalieS

I've alway been a very independant person, I honestly didn't not realise opening myself up to someone would make me feel so lost without thier presence in my life.

I guess my relationship with her is of a very simillar nature. We both doubt each others sincerity. No matter what time of day or night I would alway answer the phone to be there for her. ATM need her and she isn't answering, I understand why but I still feel let down and abandoned.

You can only notice the work status when your no longer working, The times I have tried to be social, that question always comes up and the judgement is invariably harsh and hurtful.It's the reality of todays society.

Today has been really hard, there is lots of stuff I don't feel comfortable talking about in an open forum. But those I have spoken to were absolutely appaulled that my mother could say such things to her son. I have been trying to reach out to people today and no one wants to talk, the feeling of been alone is so hard to cope with.

[AshenShugar]

@NatalieS

I wasn't looking for a date per say just to posibly find a friend. But yeah my headspace isn't right for any of that. I'll be honest I haven't been involved with anyone since I got ill, that's around 18 years ago.

[NatalieS]

@AshenShugar

There are so many people in the real world who just don't realise how difficult it is for those of us with mental illnesses to meet people, and want to establish realtionships (friendship or otherwise) with others.  We are all humans and so many of us want to connect with and be loved by others.  And some people seem to think that somehow we are not "normal" (whatever that means) and we are deficient in some way.  But we still crave companionship.  And I agree with you, its difficult to connect with others when there's all these other things going on with us.  Kind of like being in limbo-land.  Take care.