Lived Experience Forum

[Daughterdid]

I'm sick of the amnesia, constantly forgetting things, losing things. I'm sick of being treated like a dumb blonde because I forget my phone is in my hand and drop it so often that I have to buy a new one, over and over. People acting like I could do something about it if I tried. Everyone tries to give me advice, like "Write yourself notes." Well, I lose the notes, or don't remember to look at them. "Put your phone in your pocket." Well, I wash the pants because it simply does not occur to me to look in the pockets EVER (ha!) and there goes another $45 (thank the stars for pay-as-you-go phones). How do you make yourself remember something you can't remember? I don't blame people for not understanding, and my boyfriend just does it for me so sweetly (he's an angel), but it's frustrating some days.

For every year I live a past year dissipates into the mists of non-existence, a grey void swallowing time up. People asking me "Remember when..." and no, I don't. You'd think my family would get that by now. I don't remember. But it's such a societal need, memories. I'm an alien for living without them. It hurts to see the looks on their faces because it's like I wasn't even there. I'm removing myself from their memories. 

Being here brings all that back. It's been a year now since I stopped talking to my mom, and I'm exhausted from the guilt of that decision, and fear of seeing her around town and all the emotions it would drag out of me yet again, and the worry that no one will be there when she starves herself to death or cries cause she doesn't understand why everyone has gone away. I like to act as if my mom doesn't exist, and when no mention of her or sighting of her happens for long enough I feel like I'm okay. But then one thing, finding a birthday card she sent me years ago in old papers I'm going through, can destroy me for days, weeks, cause me to become her and attempt to destroy my own life and those I love. 

There's all these carers here that have chosen to stick it out even when it destroys their life, and it makes me feel selfish for leaving. How do you manage, dears? When your life is put on hold and you hate every moment of it? Am I weak for not doing that? Am I selfish? When I'm around her I'm sick. I start hearing voices again. I start hating myself even more (if that's possible). I start having hallucinations and delusions more often. I smoke, I eat too much. When does someone else's life take precedence over my own? If she does something to hurt herself and dies, is that my fault? Her life is a living hell. Would she be happier if she didn't have to do it anymore?

My Dad was. He was Asperger's, and he died last year, and it was the best thing that ever happened to him (in his own words before he died). "Sorry girls, I just can't do it anymore" he said when they offered to shock his heart one more time. And we, secretly, breathed a sigh of relief. And felt like monsters for it.

But as atrociously un-compassionate as he could be, he loved me. Mom can't, but she says she does and tries to make us believe it if we only obeyed Godd like she does. And now I feel utterly alone with her even though they had nothing to do with each other for years and I couldn't even talk about her without him railing about what a horrible person she is.

She's like this black hole on the other side of town, ever-present, that soaks up any joy of anyone that even thinks about her, no matter how far away they are or how long it's been since they've seen her face. I see how my little sister, who refuses to live in the same state as her, is constantly falling apart with Alice In Wonderland Syndrome and super anxiety, how she holds herself away from family that can help her and doesn't even realize it's self-harm just like she was taught. She can't have a normal life because of what mom did to her. My twin sister ran away to be a nun. My brother is in prison.

It makes me hate that alter that did that to us, The Fanatic/The Martyr, but not my mom. Why do some alters hurt the one that gives them physical life? What could be the purpose of that, when my First Mother, the real mom, is such a loving and caring person with so much to give? I thought that they appeared in order to help shelter someone that couldn't handle what was happening. But no one even knows anything about it. Most people barely even know what DID is.

At this point, if she somehow could see her mental illness and know what it's done to all of us, would it be too much? It is just too late for her to ever change? Could she someday be like you guys with DID, actually working on having good days? 

I'm so proud of every one of you. You've accomplished the impossible even coming to terms with a situation that you had no control over. Especially Anonymous. Those tales of how he/she deals with the amnesia and the tricks employed are heroic. I want that for my mom.

Wow. I can't say these things to anyone. Releasing it is amazing. ❤️

[Daughterdid]

http://did-research.org/did/alters/functions.html

I answered some of my own questions, about alters that abuse the host. Feeling better now 🙂

[Maggie]

I feel like I'm in a war zone rather than piecing some of my life together. A while ago I met another internal child, faced some memories I really wish I never had to, and met some more of my growing internal family. Everything I'm doing is wrong. Instead of building bridges, I'm burning them instead. I'm tired of an endless journey without rest areas. Out of the frying pan into the fire. When is enough enough???? I'm beyond any kind of feelings atm. I want it all to end.

[Former-Member]

@Maggie sorry to hear you're going through a really tough time. I know this is a 'no response' page, but as forum moderators we have a duty of care to ensure all of our community members are safe. Given the nature of the page and know others may not respond, we wanted to check in on your safety.

Do you have someone you can speak to right now?

If not, we know some really helpful services. Unfortunately, we are not a crisis service, but some places you can call now for support are;

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

If you are feeling suicidal, it’s really important to call one of the numbers above. You don’t deserve to go through this alone.

[NatalieS]

Note to self:  don't be too hard on yourself.  There's alot of things changing in your life and it will take time for things to settle down.  You will be adjusting to new and different waking and sleeping hours now that you don't go to work.  I realise it is freaking you out that there is no need to set the alarm clock, and that if you sleep in until 5.30 am the day is not wasted!  There are no shoulds and oughts in all of this.  You are slowing down a bit and trying to relax...enjoy the two weeks you have given yourself to you, before you begin a job search..remember, you don't want to work full-time again...try to be patient with yourself. Cherish the opportunity to try new and different things. 

[NatalieS]

Another note to self: smell the home-made soup that you have simmering on the stove.  Congratulate yourself  on the conversation you had with your therapist this morning. Enjoy that feeling that everything is going to be alright.  Sometimes there are moments of doubt when those inner voices attempt to take over, but you know that taking that redundancy was the right thing for you to do....your mental health is worth more than anything, and during the course of these past years, you have come far.  Celebrate the small things.

[NatalieS]

Hey @NatalieS  :  too much going on in your head, too much to process, lots of conflicting thoughts and emotions, too much confusion,  too much misunderstanding between Andrew and you at the moment (we are both so alike and so scared of being abandoned by the other, and as we both have mental health issues sometimes its almost impossible to say what we mean in a way that the other gets it and understands and doesn't freak out), its a different kind of stress.  Need to hide away for a while to deal/cope with the anxiety.  Taking a mini vacation from the forums until things settle down and my eye stops twitching....at the moment only thinking/coping with achievable tasks....everything else seems too much of a burden. 

[greenpea]

Saw my pdoc yesterday and discovered (admitted to myself) that I have pent up anger due to trauma which I experienced alot of si feelings going on. Might have to do some more drawings on my arms and play my music up loud (with ear phones on). Also getting paranoid ... medication being upped for that. I have so much guilt when will I get over my guilt?? So I do a Johnny Cash on myself ...

[Sans911]

Blah, blah, blah. That's all I hear around me. Words are like a river; they just flow away. My mind is so busy one minute, quiet the next. Except for the incessant suicidal voice ticking like a clock, ever present. Telling me that many things won't change, like the relationship with my mother. Some things will always continue to be difficult to navigate, right until the very end. Will I even get those things I desire in life? My suicidal mind whispers never ever. You aren't deserving or worthy of these. You are always going to struggle to get along in life. So end it soon, make sure you do right this time.

[The-red-centaur]

@Sans911 I hear that voice sometimes too. But I hear your other voice ghat is reaching out for help, that is talking to us here, that is saying you can hold on.