Lived Experience Forum

[Sweet_cheeks]

Well I haven't slept for two days so I'm going to get this off my chest take my meds and sleep. My son is schizophrenic and I am bipolar. I feel responsible for his schizophrenia. I wasn't the best mum, had good intentions but was a heavy drinker. I've recently given up. When he started school  they told me he was intellectually disabled and wanted me to send him to a special school. I saw it and thought no way. I taught him to read and he can. He's borderline but brilliantly witty so I think he's a genius. The specialist said he is autisitic too but I take that with a grain of salt he's a real people person.He suffered through school though kids were  mean to him and he didn't really have any close friends but he had his twin brother who is very gifted. I was not in a position to make a good judgement.   At the time I was having complex partial seizures which gave me terrifying visual hallucintaions and I had a grand mal in hospital after I had my youngest son. I didn't know I had epilepsy as it didn't show up in the scan at the hospital and they sent me home. I didn't know I was bipolar either. I had severe post natal psychosis. I would have to leave the house because I was hearing scary voices.  I just hoped it would go away. I was a bit funny after the other kids as well but this was different I felt in a very dark place.I told my husband about the complex partial seizures that I was continuously having, He told me to go to a psychiatrist and I laughed at him and ended up manic and in a hospital in the city where my sister took me. I lost a whole week or even two of memory.   The story is more complex because  my son's twin brother would stick up for his brother and he got bullied too. He's still got some problems but he's made friends and at uni. I have made some really bad life decisions. I say the wrong thing, hurt people have neglected my kids at times. The drinking I now realise has contributed to this but it was there anyway. I'm lazy too which is really bad. I just want to change. The drinking is a start. I hope its not too late and I can make my boy the happy child he should be. I worry about my youngest too. He seems fine he has friends and is hilarious and seems happy. God forbid there's something up with him too. I couldn't stand it. Also I hate going outside because my neighbours think I am a monster. So I sneak out the back gate when I have to go out. I'm looking for work too. I need the money. I had to quit my job when my sone got sick. I just have to help my son first.

[Former-Member]

I have never posted in here before,

I know that I am not weak, but I have come to a place in my life of, Body pain, isolation, lack of support, & no respect, from family, finances, & home, stolen from me, loss of job due to chronic pain, depression, anxiety, & Major Spinal Surgery. All this has taken a big tole on my body, I do not know who much longer I will cope like this?

I rang LifeLine a few times in the near past, because I am overwhelmed, & having nightmares that are all basically the same, a jumble of all my past in one, & I am always lost in a country, or a place, with no contacts to phone to come find me, & help me to go home! These dreams send me into panic mode, just as my thoughts do in the day time if I dwell on my life. The Chronic pain never stops it eats at me like a creature devouring me slowly & agonizingly. Every torn off piece of me, hurts so bad that I loss some of whom I am each time. I have to stop this, I have to survive, I want to live for my Fur Babies they need me. They will not survive without me, they adore me, & I adore them back. If they were put down, it would be disgraceful, or placed they will hate it, as I have loved them from tiny little babies, all eccept 1, Sheba the mother cat that carried her abused body & abused 4 kittens all the way from the abuser, one by one to me. What a courageous mother cat, I have to stay well mentally, & physically, I can not crack up, & this is my fear. I need to have more confidence, & stop thinking about all my pain, but it just doesn't stop!!

I must NEVER Lose My Strong FAITH, & TRUST in ABBA Father ,to deliever me from this torment, & suffering! I promise this to myself, & to ABBA Father! (GOD) Amen <><<

[TheVorticon]

Sorry if anyone feels like I did a post-and-run. This week has just been exhausting.

[greenpea]

My one son who I thought was okay told me today that he has been feeling suicidal for years on and off and has depression. I am devestated. He was my golden haired child who was doing so well for himself (so I thought). The one who I thought I wouldn't have to worry about.. A nice girl friend, job, living overseas. Outwardly happy but inside tormented by what appears to be in the family as I have a daughter with chronic depression, and son2 with autism, epilepsy, psychosis ... 

I cannot even be there to hold his hand and tell him it will be okay that he will get through this and blah blah blah .... what we tell people when they are going through this kind of pain. I feel empty and helpless and want my son back but he will have to fight this battle by himself and the cards will fall where they may.

[Adge]

I waited all last night for the locum doctor to arrive. I had booked hours earlier.

My anti fungal tablets are causing heart palpitations & irregular heart beat, which an advice nurse said to get checked by a Dr.

The locum Dr never came. I went to work exhausted from lack of sleep.

Adge

[eudemonism]

Well, Christ knows where my life is going... Christ knows what my problem is...
It literally feels like life is a very very vicious cycle that has no end...

[Sans911]

I worry that I will never overcome this darkness of despair and loathing I have about myself and all my failings. I worry it will end me, if not now then soon. I can't keep fighting like this. I'm such a miserable burden to be around.

[BlueBay]

❤️ @Sans911

[BlueBay]

I really hate Centrelink !!!

i hate my BPD depression and ptsd. 

[TheVorticon]

I'm probably just trying to fool myself with this thinking b.s. I really do suck suck suck suck suck and deserve my worst.

Edit: still stuck in this crappy mindset wishing I wasn't me.