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Bluetoo
Senior Contributor

Felt the need to share more of my story

I believe I have BPD. This is a new revelation for me, sort of. I think I always knew something was wrong with me though. 

My father had BPD but was never diagnosed until 2 years before he died. He was mostly a miserable man. He hid his disorder from anyone outside the immediate family. We got the brunt of his anger and fear. It was my sister and my mom and myself. I always knew Dad couldn’t help it, and loved him a lot. I also hated him. 

So admitting I possibly have BPD as well is very disconcerting to me. All of my life I operated out of fear. As a toddler my parents or rather my father would fight with my mother. He would scream and lecture for hours and even days at a time.

I remember at 5 years old standing between them and begging them to stop fighting. They stopped that time. Once I saw the power I had, I believed I was their marriage counselor. I believed it was my job to keep peace, and was made prisoner while listening to my father bore on and on about how miserable he was, and I’d beg my mother to get out of bed and come cook dinner. 

We all had to swallow his misery. When I reached puberty and started misbehaving he would get so mad while lecturing me, he’d literally foam at the mouth. I’m not talking about opaque foam. I’m talking about thick solid white road coming out of his mouth. I didn’t even know that was possible. It was horrific. 

Once, when I was 17 and working full time, my father called me and pleaded with me to come home to talk to mom because it had been days since she got out of bed. I acquiesced. It worked. All was well with the world again. It sucked! I didn’t know how to stop this craziness. 

I was painfully shy during school and quit in 11th grade to go to night school and graduate. I couldn’t take the pressure. Actually my father suggested I quit because of (its a very long story) and I liked the idea. I’d never even considered it was an option before. Night school was my boyfriends mother’s idea. I acquiesced. 

I remember taking an interpersonal communication course and pored over the book. I was only 17 and already knew something was not right with me. I read that we should find a person we admire, actor or in real life, and imitate their qualities until you become like them. That was my religion. It worked, I thought. I started making friends and dating more. Now I realize it was a whole lot of pressure I couldn’t take. But that’s how I lived for decades. 

I‘m also moderately to severely deaf in both ears. This added to my stress and made me act ‘weird’. I saw myself as a weirdo. I was taught to read lips and I would focus so hard when someone spoke to me. I’m certain I must have freaked out many people. But at any rate, it added to the pressure that would build up in me. 

I wanted to be loved so badly I would date almost anyone. Well, I was selective to a degree. Smiley Tongue He had to be reasonably good looking and cool. Lol But once I started having boyfriends, it became an addiction. 2 1/2 years with one guy from 15-17. He got me pregnant and his sister said she’d pay for the abortion. I acquiesced. He broke up with me and I begged him to take me back. It crushed me.

Then moved on to the next guy. My father suggested we get married. He agreed. I went along with it at only 17 years old. 2 years later and through a tumultuous relationship, he broke up with me and annulled our marriage.

Then I met a guy on bycicle and invited him to share my apartment as gf/bf, day’s after my first husband left me. I didn’t even really like him but I had to be with someone. Anyone. 8 months and I broke up with him because of alcoholism. But I was devastatedwith my life. 

I decided at that point I needed to focus on myself and I joined a religion (I left that religion 2 years ago) that was all consuming. 3 years later I met my husband. 7 months later we were married. I was in heaven. The planets were aligned. 

He was perfect. I adored him. Worshipped him. He listened to my agonies too many times. Stayed up late with me many many nights. He also became my interpreter when I needed help hearing. I love him so much. We also have had a lot of fun. We’d have arguments but I always knew he loved me and would never leave me. 

Then he started having issues himself. He got into porn in secret and then strip joints, then lap dances and then as of 2 years ago he cheated on me with paid ‘massage’ therapists. It shattered me. But I put on my super woman clothes and went to therapy with him and talked and talked and cried and cried. I was going to fix him. I guess I needed it more than him. 

Now, he appears to be settled in his decision to stay away from any of that stuff. He says he feels very different now. This time it will work, he feels. Therapy made a huge difference. 

So.... everything is going well. Our relationship is great. But I’m crashing. It’s been 2 months now that I’ve been depressed and isolated and can’t function most days in doing even the basic chores or errands. I’d been having the strong feeling of wishing I were dead. Although since coming here I am not feeling that lately. Thank you by the way. Smiley Happy

I am incapacitated by my emotions. I’m waiting for our couples therapist to refer me to my own but nothing yet. I’m feeling a little excitement about being diagnosed with bpd and doing something about it finally.

I’m 55, reasonably healthy and reasonably attractive still and I want to live. It’s so lonely inside this head of mine. Isolation is not pretty. Lol 

I thank all of you for being there and for sharing all of your stories. It’s been truly a huge healing for me. I want to share my journey of healing with all of you, now in hopes it’ll be of some help. If I can be a hearing ear for any of you, please allow me. My problems are not so big that I don’t want to be there for others. I love people. 

Feel free to tell me what you think of my story. I am not easily offended and would love to hear your thoughts. 

 

12 REPLIES 12

Re: Felt the need to share more of my story

@Bluetoo I have just read through you difficult journey. There are many things I can personally identify with. Being the peacemaker at home, the child adult/parent. Looking for any kind of acceptance. All so familiar. I too am clinically deaf. I can only hear with the help of hearing aids. It makes it so much harder to be around people, having to concentrate on every word is exhausting. Almost 40 years now.

Therapy for yourself would be good, I hope you can find someone helpful, someone who actually hears you. You sound like a caring compassionate person. You have come so far, under incredible pressure. Anyway @Bluetoo Im listening, hearing and caring. It's good to meet you elsewhere on the forum.

Re: Felt the need to share more of my story

@Maggie

Thank you for reading it. I really appreciate it. Feels good to tell it like it is finally. 

Re: Felt the need to share more of my story

I know that feeling @Bluetoo Life long secrets, finally told. It's freeing in itself. Children are the best secret keepers. So loyal to abusive parents.💜💕💜

Re: Felt the need to share more of my story

Oh and that’s cool your deaf too. I mean I’d rather you weren’t. Lol But it sure does drain the energy. 

Re: Felt the need to share more of my story

Hello @Bluetoo Its difficult when both parents are suffering serious mental health issues, and you had more of your fair share if it.  So did I, and then I took on rescue missions, that got me deeper in the poo, like you. Sorry ... lol ... Glad you are here.  There are lots of great people on the forum, and lots of great people who need a little support.  

Take Care Apple

Woman Happy.. 

Re: Felt the need to share more of my story

Hi @Bluetoo,

Thank you for sharing more of your story. I found our conversation recently so refreshingly honest. I relate to much of your story, though my diagnosis is bipolar 1. In the past I have moved from relationship to relationship quickly, without much of a break between. I've been a bit desperate to be with someone. I too come from a childhood shattered by violence. I was excrutiatingly shy as a child. In short, I recognise some of my story in yours.

May your appointment with a counsellor for you come up very soon.

Re: Felt the need to share more of my story

Thank you for your reply @Mazarita

Its interesting how relationships can give you such a high. Or maybe it’s more interesting that we need that high. 

I was diagnosed as bipolar 2 once. I didn’t believe it though. It didn’t feel like a good fit. And the prescription did nothing for me. So BPD sounds more like my pattern of behavior. My husband thinks if it is BPD it’s not an extreme case. He’s comparing me with my father. He was extreme. I’ve fought it all my life without realizing that’s what I was doing. No wonder I’m so exhausted and in mysterious pain. 

Sometimes I get so bored with married life though. I want to be free and run through the night and party. Lol It’s probably funny to hear an older woman say that.  lol

H doesn’t understand why nightlife is so important to me. He’s content to just come home every night and weekend and just work around the property and go to bed at 9 or 10. I wish I could be happy with that. I mean I am happy to have him but I have to convince myself it’s a worthy trade off. We go out, but not near as often as I want to. 

Lately I have no motivation. Washing dishes is torture. It’s so mundane. I can hardly bear it. Lmao It’s true though. I look at the sink of dishes and just want to cry or have a tantrum. Instead I trudge through it if I even do it. It’s laughable as I write this. I sound like a typical bored lonely housewife. 

I even invited our horse farrier inside my place knowing he has a crush or something on me. I didn’t let anything happen but it would’ve happened if I’d not said no. It was such a rush. I’m horrible. 

I think its especially hard now since the cheating happened because it pi$$es me off that I’ve deprived myself of entertainment all these years for him and this is what I get for it?  

Sometimes I think I shouldn’t be on this forum because I’m just a big spoiled baby. That nothings wrong with me except I’m selfish. And bored. But I know better. It’s time to call a spade a spade. 

Re: Felt the need to share more of my story

Wow, @Bluetoo, again I relate to a lot. I too feel like I've been fighting this all my life. It's been one of my annoyances over the years that some practitioners seem to not see how far I've already come from where I've been and where I started. Now though I am very grateful for the psychiatrist and psychologist I have found my way to.

I understand that feeling of boredom with married life. I went really crazy with it when I was married. I've never been capable in the domestic realm, except in some basic ways. I have run through the night and remember it fondly. I have no desire for it now (mid 50s here too), but that's partly the medication and partly some chronic ill health I have. 

I totally get why you are so mad that you've been holding yourself back all this time and now you are mad at him because he hasn't. He was faithful for all those years before then. Is he going through some kind of mid-life crisis? Sounds cliched, but maybe? Or maybe it is truly past.

I don't see you as a big spoiled baby. I hear a fellow human in pain, and understandably too. There may be grief involved with what you have been through. I think I would feel that way, at least for a time, and even if I came out of it still wanting the relationship.

Re: Felt the need to share more of my story

Sounds like we have a lot in common @Mazarita

He was pretty severely abused by his father. He learned early on how to compartmentalize and it makes him seem cold sometimes. But he’s really a teddy bear. He just will turn off his feelings when it’s too much. I think that’s why he started with all that stuff. He was tired of holding it all in and it was a form of rebellion. He wasn’t aware that he was doing that though. He was confused and the urge would be so strong he didn’t resist. I know he loves me. Anyone that will put up with my tantrums must love me. Lol There’s a lot more to it as well. My brains in a fog and can’t put it all down in writing.

I understand what happened on some level while hurting tremendously at the same time. It’s so confusing for me. But he lets me talk about it and dump. He’s changed a lot too. He talks to me much more soothingly and lovingly, even when he doesn’t understand why I am acting funny at times. 

It seems talking about it is no longer helping me though. I just feel life sucks all the time. And I really have no reason to feel that way. That’s why I feel like a baby. That’s why I know there’s something else going on. It’s been 2 years and I seem to be going backwards. 

Feel free to message me anytime you want to talk about your stuff or just shoot the breeze. It feels good talking with you since you can relate so well.

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