Lived Experience Forum

[Zoe7]

It is piercing @Owlunar and completely unnecessary  There was one boy who used to do it a lot and we would have to talk to him about it - it was something he took a long time to stop doing.

[Owlunar]

You are right @Zoe7 - that kind  of squealing is unnecessary and potentially dangerous - if those in charge, teachers or parents or other people, started to switch squealing off in their heads then one day that alarm might be an emergency and people may ignore it

The boy who cried wolf is a story sometimes misrepensented - reader or hearer beware - but if there is someone making alarms does this the time can come when chaos and danger ensue - I remember being really firm with my children once that if I heard that kind of noise I was expected blood at the least - and I don't know if they ever learned young but in time I guess they did because it did not continue

My then-h was the kind of person who could not react to an emergency - I had my heart in my mouth often and remember anxious drives to the hospital where they knew us well. So many years later some of the stories have a humerous side but others do not 

It must be really hard to be a teacher hearing that kind of noise in the playground - the child in question must have had some kind of pay-back with his squealing and I can't imagine how the school got him to stop - 

It must be a really hard part of going back into the classroom Zoe - I do understand

Dec

[Zoe7]

That child was in my class and it took lots of time-outs when he showed this beahviour and lots of talking to him about why it was not only unnecessary but also dangerous for those who heard it - for many of the reasons you have stated. He eventully stopped but it took months of hard work and constant reminders to change his behaviour @Owlunar

You generally find it is the younger children who do most of the squealing and they simply grow out of it but it can be - as you said - a way to show something is really wrong - especially if someone is in danger - and teachers do react to the noise just as most individuals do. 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Zoe7 and @Sophia1

I read some posts and I am going to bed - I can see you have probs with the system in getting back to work again - Zoe - and that is tough

And Sophia I read your thoughtful post and I re-read my own - I seem to understand what you are talking about - honestly my son's death is still a major issue in my life - I can never get past it - possibly never will - but I do live around it

So I hope to get back to both of you when I get back to the computer later today - Fridays are usually busy days for me - and I am pretty tired now but feeling better than I was earlier in the week

My thoughts for both of you

Dec

[Zoe7]

It is very frustrating @Owlunar and more so because my GP and pdoc are away for 3 weeks  so that means this whole process will drag on for even longer as they need to be contacted by HR on my behalf to get to the next step. The even more frustrating thing is I requested information several weeks ago on what was needed from my gp and pdoc and wasn't given any of the details that came in the email from the HR manager = so this could have all been dealt with earlier if that had been conveyed to me then.

It is what it is though and all I can do now is wait until my gp and pdoc are back to move to the next step.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Zoe7

Yes - that self-verifying phrase - it is what it is - that's true

And so frustrating

I read that you set everything up from your own end and did all you could - in fact you are very thorough with these details in your life - but other people do what they do - and what we are left with is more waiting and we need to settle for that and battle on

I wish you the best - I know that it was great when you were aware that you would be paid for the holidays - and now - apparently not which will be hard for you - I have scraped the bottom of the financial barrel in my own time and eaten canned fruit for dinner the night or two before pension day - I think I had things a bit easier because I am am an accountant and those skills haven't failed me but yes - it's tough

I remember when I first applied for the DSP - my doctor was away too - and I had to battle on for 6 weeks - which I was paid for when I was finally approved but yes - I really understand - and know how tough things can be when we do all we can and it's up to other people

I did not have a good night last night - something bothered me all night and it's a lovely day today and I feel like going back to bed and try and catch up on my sleep but I think the sun is a better bet

I will write about my night in a different post  - same thread

It is really good when things do work out though - it does happen - it can happen - we can cross everything and hope for the best in many areas

Sending hugs today - 

Dec

[Owlunar]

Hi @Zoe7@outlander@Shaz51@utopia@Sophia1@Faith-and-Hope@Sans911

I keep putting this post off - I really need to share it and I find that hard but it gets to me at times and I had a melt-down yesterday - in private fortunately - and then I had a bad night

It came out of nowhere - but of course it is the elephant I carry everywhere I go - it's about my son and something triggered me but what? It could have been something I read in the paper about more trouble in the Youth Detention Centre or something on TV - 

It's about my son's death - suicide - it really kicks me in the guts - I know I did all I could for him and don't feel guilty about it - it was his choice - but still - it took a huge bite out of me - my own investment in him was higher than usual because he was so troubled and I didn't give up and so lost myself - my family came up short on caring - it was too hard for them and I have forgiven them - not for their sake - but for my own - I don't want to carry that around

So I wonder what it is that hurts so much - I wondered that immediately after he died - why so much emotional pain? And I still ask - maybe it was the death - or the sudden and violent death - the tripple whammy - suicide - crash - I felt terrible and let it go but during the night I had dreams about him - vague, fuzzy dreams I can't remember

I kept waking up and tossing around and I tried to read which is my favourite go-to - I was tired and kept falling asleep again and dreaming more and I could not get a handle on it

So I do feel a bit better since I have been writing here but I could do without those bad moments - everytime someone tells me that this or that trivial issue - I don't mean everytime someone says that there is nothing worse it is trivial but I fire up if someone says something trivial has nothing worse - and I think someone said that

I often say that there is something worse - I don't tell people what anymore - not often - but when he died he took a large piece of my future with him - and possible grandchildren - true - he is at peace - that is something I am glad about

But now and again I feel a terrible sense of loss that is devastating - desolating.

I find it hard to share this but I am so glad I have this forum where I can - I had a bad night and maybe I can sleep later and it's a truly beautiful day in Melbourne today

There are good things in my life - in a moment or maybe tomorrow I will share the glorious sunrise I saw a couple of weeks back - that was really phenomenal

Dec

[Zoe7]

Loss is always hard to deal with @Owlunar and never truly goes away.  Whatever has triggered this response for you doesn't matter - it is your feelings that matter. You say that your son is in a better place but that does not stop you missing him and mourning the loss of what could have been. Allow yourself to have those feelings and then maybe do something for yourself that he would have liked - that way you are providing yourself with self-care but have him with you also. Hugs Hon 

[Owlunar]

Yes @Zoe7

He is at peace - after a short, stormy life he is in a better place - whatever that is - my faith is such and strong enough for it to be anything good - I don't know what happens after death but it has to be better than his life - he was so unhappy

I sat here for a while and thought about what he might like to do if he was here - of course he was a teenager then and now he would be a middle aged man - so that is kinda interesting to think about - but I remember that I promised to take him flying - a joy flight from the local airport - and I can hear the planes flying today - so yes

The day I promised to take him flying was really windy and he was on weekend leave from the Juvenile Justice Centre - I have him the choice because he used to get travel sickness - it wasn't hard - he decided to go flying another time but that time never came.

So I fly enough that I don't need to take a special trip - but I can recall a wonderful memory flying back from Canberra at sunset on the anniversary of his death a couple of years ago - I saw the sunset from the plane - I watched the sun pass through various layers of the atmosphere and it turned into a wonderfully pink ball like a Christmas Tree Ornament and slipped under the horizon and a pink tear-drop of light followed it down

And it was a message from him surely

So I have this brilliant sunrise in my recent memory - I was in the 5 star room at the airport hotel with the huge window from one side of the room to the other with the outstanding view - and I woke before 7 in the morning and I could see that the sun was about to rise and opened the curtains.

The sky was an intense blue with the same brilliant pink where the sun would rise - and there it was -- the same bright ball rising this time - then out of the sun a plane flew toward me - the airport actually - and it was a big plane from overseas - what a sight

I wonder sometimes if my son is there when I have these great moments - I have them and I live a life alone but I don't feel alone - it's hard to explain but I think sometimes he sends me things like this

Thanks Zoe

Dec

[Zoe7]

Those memories and experiences are precious @Owlunar Whether he is sending them to you or not does not matter - it is the connection that you feel with him in those moments that brings you a little joy - tinged with sadness as well but overwhelming a sense of joy - hold onto that Dec. We often get caught up in struggling through the bad times/moments but forget to celebrate the good things that happen - but you do that with watching the sunrise and sunset and finding that connection there with your son - and all through flying in some way. aybe your son has sent that to you - I don't know - but I do know that it means something to you and that is important.