Lived Experience Forum

[Owlunar]

Oh hi - it's early on Thursday morning and high-time I went to bed

We have had a change in the weather in Melbourne - and it's cold - we have had thunder and hail and my back has been aching and I have started feeling what I feel every year about my son being in prison and dying there

So on Wednesday I didn't exactly sulk - I didn't get up until the phone rant and it was my daughter sorting out Mothers' Day - she works on Mothers Day - usually works at weekends - so I have made arrangements to see her on the preceding Thursday and hope like mad that I will not have trouble with the council help because they are changing shifts more than once a week and this has been going on for weeks

But my daughter comes first - I will not change my appointment with her

So I sorta sulked all day - well maybe not sulking but certainly I did not want to interact with anyone until I felt better - and it is nearly 2.00am and I do feel better right now - and it is time to go to bed - so I will - but I do not like the way I feel - normal I know - other people feel bad too - I get it - other people have their plans stuffed up and grieve and have pain -

So I am okay - just a bit to far to the left of okay to be okay - if that makes sense - I am going to bed now - and hope I will feel better later -

I really don't like winter - I think it's time I made plans to go away again

Dec

[Appleblossom]

Ha ha   

@Owlunar

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@Owlunar wrote:

Oh hi - it's early on Thursday morning and high-time I went to bed

We have had a change in the weather in Melbourne - and it's cold - we have had thunder and hail and my back has been aching and I have started feeling what I feel every year about my son being in prison and dying there

So on Wednesday I didn't exactly sulk - I didn't get up until the phone rant and it was my daughter sorting out Mothers' Day - she works on Mothers Day - usually works at weekends - so I have made arrangements to see her on the preceding Thursday and hope like mad that I will not have trouble with the council help because they are changing shifts more than once a week and this has been going on for weeks

But my daughter comes first - I will not change my appointment with her

So I sorta sulked all day - well maybe not sulking but certainly I did not want to interact with anyone until I felt better - and it is nearly 2.00am and I do feel better right now - and it is time to go to bed - so I will - but I do not like the way I feel - normal I know - other people feel bad too - I get it - other people have their plans stuffed up and grieve and have pain -

So I am okay - just a bit to far to the left of okay to be okay - if that makes sense - I am going to bed now - and hope I will feel better later -

I really don't like winter - I think it's time I made plans to go away again

Dec

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- but I do not like the way I feel - normal I know - other people feel bad too - I get it - other people have their plans stuffed up and grieve and have pain -

So I am okay - just a bit to far to the left of okay to be okay - if that makes sense - I am going to bed now -

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I took "help" to calm down, but intrusive thoughts kept waking me

JUst saying "hello"

[Former-Member]

Hello @Owlunar

Those memories are coming to the fore, the storm, change of weather can remind us of painful memories.

The weather would stir up the pain in your back and that too will stir up past memories

The help that you receive via the council has been disrupted and unsettling for you. I imagine you might think something like "this is supposed to be HELP".

I hope that the council sorts it's act out very soon.

What have you done in past years when your painful memories of your son have started to rise. Visit somewhere spiritual? Does a certain part of nature resonate in a spiritual way for you? I find moving water especially the ocean. The ocean also changes with the weather only in appearance, presentation though. The ocean will always be the ocean.

Your memories affect you differently at different times I think. Is that correct? Sometimes the memories, though always sad are not quite so heartwrenching as others?

Interesting that when you were in bed unable to rise, you received a telephone call from your daughter. The invisible umbilical chord.

Spending time with your daughter will be wonderful for you both. Mothers day is on a sunday so I can't see that would make a difference to your allotted day.

Do you have a good relationship with your doctor? Are you able to talk to him about the difficulties at the moment and that your pain is enhanced and sleep also is affected which of course exacerbates pain. I am sure that you have been down this path many times. Sometimes though we can be our own worst enemies. I am a classic example of this. I have pain in my right hip and did not go to the physiotherapist thinking that I can push through the pain etc. well two weeks later i am having my first appointment today. i now have to admit to myself that I am two weeks behind improvement!

keep writing Dec xxx

[Owlunar]

Hi @Appleblossom@Former-Member

I took my time getting up this morning - I think it is time I ate something but I don't have any appetite

But I think I feel better today

It will be great to see my daughter on the Thursday - she and her husband are flying to NZ for his mother's 80th birthday after that - one reason my daughter is taking the weekend shift - and I am glad they are going - I have hardly ever seen my NZ counterpart - only on the couple of times she comes to Australia which are few and I am always glad to see her

I have to do something concrete about the council - I will ring my case worker when I have my ideas together - I have no idea if I have anyone at all tomorrow and this is something I feel p^ss^d off about - I am pretty sure I will have shopping but hey - this whole thing is so frustrating I feel like going private - which what they might be trying to get happen - but when I feel more ordinary today I have a couple of phone calls to make

My back feels a little better today - the weather is windy but it's also sunny - and not as cold - and my mood is a bit better - maybe through the years I have sat and learned to endure the way I feel - nothing I can do to change the past

I do have a good relationship with my doctor and I can tell him that I had a bad day - I learned on Monday that my second therapist is moving away - am I scaring them off? I don't think so - people move on through life and I have had many changes with the people who have helped me - and I have been very lucky - perhaps he will refer me to someone closer - it was costing me a lot in taxi fares to see the last one though she was very good

Things just piled up on me and I could not even think about what to talk about if I rang Life Line - I still can't think of anything to say - but as you say Mohill - I should just keep writing for now

One thing I really hate in life - or maybe two - one is winter and the other is cauliflour - and I think that today I should have a decent meal - when I feel like it

Dec

[Former-Member]

hello @Owlunar

You have every entitlement to ring your caseworker as a contract would have been drawn up advising you what and when you were to receive help

not knowing if someone is coming tomorrow or not is breaching the terms of the contract

the council has to lift it's game

a quick phone call advising that you are in too much pain and not feeling well enough to linger on the telephone too long. However, you are extremely disappointed that help agreed on in your contract is not forthcoming. this situation is of course further exacerbating your pain. Please look into it and advise me as soon as possible when I will be next receiving the promised help as per the terms of my contract.

I am sure that you know only too well what to say. I was infuriated myself by this dreadful treatment you are receiving so felt the need to write. Apologies there.

I think that not being able to think about what to say, says it all. There are no words for some feelings. The feelings themselves can be noticed and nursed. This is very deep but would it help to think of nursing those feelings as in the way you would nurse a baby in your arms. I do not want to upset you, so hope that this is helpful only to the extent of releasing some of your built up emotion. I do not want to tread all over your wounds.

take care Dec and know that so many of us on here thank you for being you xxxxx

[Owlunar]

Right @Former-Member - there is a contract that my agency will help me to live alone here as free of stress as possible for as long as I choose to - and the agency does the best it can to fulfil this - but the council doesn't fill the needs of the clientele - this has to be wrong

I am just so fed up with all of this - stress-free - omstars - I have to laugh at that one

I will be ringing my case worker when I think her lunch break is over - or at least the girl who organises the rosters - and I have to check my other email account to see if I have an email from the agency there - ah - I am so tired of all of this

I have a dx of being emotionally fragile - right now - it fits

Dec

[Former-Member]

hello @Owlunar

look after you I do hope that I have not stirred the hornet's nest

the case worker is there to follow up so let that person do all of the hard stuff

enjoy some of that sunshine today

i just flooded the laundry and kitchen area

got there just in time to stop it flowing onto the carpeted area in the hall

so now i have wet soggy towels spaced out amongst drowned millipedes (they have set up headquarters here) all i need now is to see another mouse scurrying across the debris to complete my day

just when you think it can't get any worse.... famous last words

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I had to ring Centrelink before I did anything else this afternoon - and sort that out and it's sorted

Then I rang my agency and I have the roster for the next two weeks - so for now this is sorted

My case worker is not available today - it's amazing - people seem to have a day off each week and spend so much time in meetings and also I guess they are entitled to sick days - I seem to remember I worked 5 days a week for 40 hours a week unless I had sick leave - no odd days off here and there

Life has changed a lot - I imagine a 40 hour week is just too long to work in this new day and age

So for now that is sorted - but I feel fragile

Dec

[Former-Member]

hello @Owlunar

Even though you might not have realised it feeling so fragile, you made me chuckle.

yes so many meetings within the corporation where i worked

it never used to amaze me that on a monday morning, literally the busiest time of the week, possibly due to the weekend, all of management would disappear into a meeting

of course this was at a time when complaints were most likely to be received. so yes management are not always able to be reached because they are busy having a meeting about what should be the agenda for another meeting.

you have achieved so much despite feeling fragile. Just to have achieved speaking to a real person at centrelink is no mean feat. To have sorted the matter as well, you are good.

You have received the roster for the next two weeks hopefully will help you feel that there is structure around the care that you are entitled to.

i have left the soggy towels on the floor for now too depressing to look at

have you got a good book to lose yourself in, or a nice sunny spot in the garden to retreat to, something to remind yourself  that you are important and I can well imagine your daughter cant wait to spend some time with you again.

I shall take note of what I have just written and go an find a sunny spot xxx

[Former-Member]

❤❤❤❤❤ @Dec