Lived Experience Forum

[Teej]

I’m just coming through a couple of weeks of lots of suicide ideation where the urges were some of the most powerful I’ve experienced. The last 5 days I really wanted my life to end. I had the battle between staying safe and going through with it on constant replay. 

Im left currently trying to understand it all and am looking for anyone who wants to share their experiences.

some of my questions are

1) how long do your SI urges go for?

2) when you’ve come through them what do you find helps the most? 

3) do you understand your triggers for intense SI? 

4) what helps you the most to ride them? 

5) do you feel like it’s very real that you need to die and every time feels like it’s different from the last so it’s hard to think it’s something that will pass? 

6) is it just practice going through it lots that gets you through? 

7) if it no longer happens to you what do you think was the turning point

Thanks and gratitude in advance for any responses. My brain is a little in overdrive trying to understand this a little better. 

[SleepyPanda]

@Teej

I am glad to see you are okay.

Thank you for sharing your experience and strategies.

Take Care

SP

[Teej]

Thank you @SleepyPanda 💜🤗

[outlander]

hi @Teej ive just found this, ill be back abit later to respond properly

[CheerBear]

Hey @Teej. It's so good to hear you're coming out of the other side of it. It's a scary, horrible place to be as I understand you know well and I am so sorry to hear you were there. Huge big 💗 to you.

I feel sort of funny writing here, being that it was such a short time ago that I was in a pretty dark place also, but I guess that means it's fresh in my mind so maybe it's as good a time as ever to try and answer. I'm so interested in reading through what others may say here too as I really want to work at this myself, so hopefully people can and do share.

One by one:

1) For me, SI can range from fleeting thoughts that pass quickly, to an all consuming fight to stay alive that at it's most intense, lasts many days (weeks leading up to my respite stay last year).

2) What helps once I have come through them is to surround myself with what matters to me, gives me meaning and purpose, and what feels good. My littles, my furballs, being here, learning about what's happening/happened, fluffy soft stuff, debriefing with someone... that kind of stuff.

3) I understand my triggers and usually it's some form of "I can't escape this and it will never end" feeling, that usually follows some kind of stress (cumulative little stress or unexpected big stress). But understanding it doesn't stop it. I've worked out I need a more effective 'act early' plan once I recognise I'm heading into danger land, rather than try to scramble my way out of it once I am there. I did every step I could (except hospital) and still I ended up where I was. Getting to the "now what?!" point, added so much frustration 😞 That plan is priority for me when I see my psych again.

4) What helps me to ride out the most intense of my urges, is some form of reset. This time it was medication induced sleep-it-off. I underuse meds and this time I didn't and took the upper limits (as prescribed) of my emergency use med to give me a break from it. SI is a full body experience for me so giving my body a rest helped so my mind could stop freaking out so much and start thinking clearly again.

5) I found this one interesting. In lots of ways I feel like it's the same thing again and again, which makes me feel hopeless. I can almost hear myself saying "Seriously CB, do we have to do this AGAIN?!" But then I also feel like I have the 'get up only for something else to knock me down again' thing happening. It's hard to imagine it passing when I am in the middle of intense SI, but so far something has always changed because that level of intensity doesn't last (for me and I get that everyone is different).

That's about as far as I can answer because that's about where I am at. I don't know if any of it is helpful for you, but I did want to reply because this matters (and you matter).

💗 Teej

[Former-Member]

Hiya @Teej,

I'm not sure if my response is going to be any use to you at all, but I'll share anyways. 

I have two types of SI urges; when I'm not depressed (ND) and when I'm depressed (D). 

1. When D they last as long as the depression lasts, I usually end up in hosptial or get my medication changed and that stops them. But they can last years, yes YEARS! I was severely depressed for over a  year when I first attempted suicide and I would sit there every day asking myself if that was the day I would give in. I decdied to wait 365 days and do everything I could before I hurt myself. I ended up attempting but, a change in medication soon pulled me out of the abyss. 

When ND it's something different entirely. I'm sure you've seen my posts for the last few weeks. It's not so much an urge as a rational decision. It's pretty much always in the background, but very quiet for the most part. 

2. DRUGS. Lots and lots of drugs. Also a recognition of what I've just been through. No one will acknoweldge SI and SA everyone including health professionals skirt around the issue. I need recognitiion and support for what I've just been through. I think we should treat people like trauma survivors after a period of SI, that's the same level of expereince as far as I'm concerned. 

3. Yes, for D - simply being 'ill' is my main trigger. 

For ND - yes I know my triggers, but I don't want to talk about it right now. 

4. For D - distraction techniques, literally doing something, anything. For me studying, exercise, knitting, chatting on the computer. I get a bit frenetic just trying to fill my hands and my mind to get me through the day and the next day and the next. And reminding myself that it will pass. STRONGLY reminding myself it will pass.

For ND - talking to people, cuddling teddy, distracting myself - but it works less well. It never really goes away, but I'm so goddamned scared of dying that, this thought is protective enough for me. 

5. Yes, very real that I need to die. When D I feel like I HAVE to die. Everyone wants me dead. 

But the biggest thing for me is that it doesn't feel differernt each time, it's horrible it feels exactly the same each time. I often feel like I had 400 days worth of SI coping inside of me and I've used up those 400 days and I'm now on borrowed time, it feels like every day is comounded on each other and I'm back at the end of that year, completely exhaused and spent. 

6. Fear of death?

Desire to make something better?

I guess practice and dedication is the key. That year I was ill I did everything I could to stay alive. Everything. I would go jogging at 3am cause I couldn't sit still enough at home and I couldn't  control myself. It was horrible. I almost became myopic in my illness half my brain was trying to k i l l  me, the other half was spending every ounce of energy to keep myself alive. 

I don't think I've been much help, but that's my answer to your questions. 

[Teej]

Wow thank you so much @CheerBear. I really value your response and the time you took to write it. As I’ve now read it about three times I’m so incredibly grateful for it. I have lots of things going on in my head that perhaps I’m just making it all up and feeling massively insecure about even understanding what my MH issues are. You’re post evoked lots of me too responses which I think I needed to read. 

My answer to number 1 is the same. I have patches where I have lots of fleeting thoughts about SI maybe even up to 10 times a day but the intensity doesn’t often carry through to wanting to follow through with those. I think when I’m in the trenches for days it’s the most difficult and intense. There doesn’t seem to be a reprieve. 

I don’t have an answer to number 2 and it was what struck me most today. I have tended to say I feel like it’s passed now and then make a million plans, and often have a smaller relapse after. I think I need to work out a coming out of SI urges plan. I think the hardest thing is the guilt I feel when I’m coming out that I need to be this new miraculous person for my kids (which is never going to happen in reality) but I put this pressure on, maybe in an overcompensating way for them watching me go through it again. They are very aware now but it took until they were adults for them to really get it.....and appointments with my therapist teaching them about it. 

I don’t think I know when it’s building enough yet. For me it ends up in a self hate storm but I think it is probably born of stresses I either put on myself or accumulative stresses or a big stress.

i concur with number 4 entirely. For me it’s either a reset short stay in hospital or self medicating to sleep it off, neither are long term solutions. Ironically they are the same solution. Hospital helps because I am medicated with medications I’m not allowed to have at home. I effectively sleep it off without home pressures and shame. Not having that space away from the shame or stresses from home I think amplified it and kept it going longer. 

Number 5. I think I’ll always tell my mh professionals that this one was different. For me I don’t get the 'here I go again' feeling. It’s 'I’ve never felt this bad before' type feeling. It’s often followed by justifications that this time it’s ok to let go and give in to the urges. Ironically after I posted this I was looking for an image to post to Faith and Hope. In the process I found an image with self hate thoughts I created last year whilst in an intense self hate SI rage. There was only one thought that didn’t resonate with what I had just gone through and maybe a couple of new ones but essentially I could have created the same one again......except during this one I couldn’t concentrate on anything but bad thoughts, I could only medicate to get through. 

Like you I’m not able to answer the others either but I hope there will be others thoughts and ideas.

i guess my only new question is what is SI essentially? Is is a major depressive episode or anxiety or ???  This is for anyone to answer if you have thoughts about it. 

Thank you so much again for responding. 💜🤗 I’m glad you are coming through yours too. 

[Teej]

@Former-Member your response was awesome and helpful 💜🤗. I think just having this discussion is helpful. I like the way you can identify both kinds the D and ND. I’m not sure I understand what depression looks like for me. I know when I fill out a K10 I always come out on the high end with depression. Maybe what I’ve just experienced in the last few weeks was depression. 

I think you are right too with needing validation and support after a big episode. I remember needing that so much after lots of attempts in the past. I guess there is part of me that needs it now too, maybe that’s part of needing to start this discussion. 

Your final answers about dealing with them in the future are helpful too. 

Thank you for responding and adding your experiences. It means heaps to me that you have too. 💜🤗

[Former-Member]

Hi @Teej

I am going to comment but I feel like I am "new" to this. Up until June last year there was no sign of MI. Then one work releated trauma and my past traumas came flooding back. I had blocked so much out and this was just the catalyst for everything. So 

1. I feel like I am in the middle of it now and I guess it is my first lots of SI. It's been there for at least 4 months. I don't know if that is short or long, or is everyone different. Somedays it is only fleeting thoughts and then other days it is intense, cannot think of anything else thoughts.

2. I haven't come through it yet so cannot really answer this one.

3. I understand my triggers. I know when my flashbacks and nightmares get intense then my SI thoughts increase. A reason why I didn't sleep last night.

4. Distraction. distraction, distraction. On here (yep most of last night), movies, specific tv shows, games, jigsaw, anything that helps take my mind of them. And meds (once they get sorted)

5. Sometimes it feels very real. Plans are made, everything is in order. Other times I can talk myself out of it. Can talk some sense into it. Use my safety plan to keep myself safe. Deal with the urge in another way which is mostly SH. I hate to admit it but SH can keep me safe from following through at times.

6. I guess I havent had practice.

7. I am hoping I don't have these urges for much longer. The turning point, I don't know, but the pdoc and psych are helping the meds I am on will help.

I don't know if I have helped or not but I am interested to hear other peoples responses. I am assuming there is no direct answer as everyone is different in their MI so will have different answers.

@TeejI think you are very brave in asking these questions, it seems such a taboo subject sometimes. I hope you are feeling better and have support around you. Take care 

[Teej]

Thank you so much for being brave and sharing too @Former-Member. 

I realised when I posted this from my experience on the forum that there are many kinds of SI and triggers, with flashbacks being a big one for many. Personally that is not something I deal with but I have a small understanding of how horrific living with flashbacks and not being able to sleep would be. I posted this discussion in the hope that we could share, find things that resonate, and hopefully help each other finding new ways to help or understanding SI better. I’m so sorry you are going through it presently. 

I was first struck down as such with mi 6 years ago. My first period of si lasted 5 months before I succumbed and attempted. It was from that attempt that I was put in contact with more services. Until then I hadn’t had a psychiatric assessment. At the time I was sleeping 20 hours a day and my only thoughts were SI ones. All my awake hours were planning suicide. I find it so hard to remember but at the time I had 4 young teenagers at home. They would just come and visit me in my bed when they got home from school. I had pretty much disintegrated into nothingness.

From the things I’ve read it seems like your support systems are working hard with you, so please don’t take my story as doom and gloom. My situation was very different to yours and my personality disorders had been masked up until that stage. I have come a long way but obviously have a long way to go still too. 

I really like your hope that life will not always look like this. I’m so glad you are working so hard to try to recover from this terrible existence. I hope you find others stories helpful. Wishing you the best 💜🤗