Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Enoki]

Hi all. I'm not really sure what to say here. I've never posted in a forum before. My partner has bipolar disorder and is in the midst of a mixed episode (from what I can gather). We live in different states but speak for a few hours every night and spend every weekend together - but after spending the whole of last week with him I have had to take some time apart as he has been emotionally abusive. I feel that his episode has been worsened by the fact that he has been drinking and not taking his medication consistently. (As a sidenote, I am estranged from my father who was never diagnosed but showed many signs and symptoms of bipolar1 and was emotionally and verbally abusive, so this has opened up a bit of an old wound for me I suppose.)

I stated very clearly to him that I was taking some space (not breaking up with him) to clear my head so that I could talk to him meaningfully without it escalating into a fight or an emotional showdown. I'm still so new to his illness, I am only now learning how difficult it is to communicate with someone in a manic or mixed state. He has (not surprisingly) not fulfilled my request for space and has left me a string of voicemails, hang-up calls and texts that fluctuate from apologising and saying I was right to leave and not to worry about him, to aggressive and blameful, accusing me of sleeping with other men etc. He has also sent texts and emails informing me that we are over and instructing me not to contact him again. I recognise that these are all desperate pleas for my attention and attempts to provoke me into responding.

I guess the part I want help/advice with is this: I have decided what I want to do going forward in our relationship, which is to support him through this episode (without jeopardising my own mental and emotional wellbeing), and, when he is stable, to establish a clear plan together with his clinician to manage his illness as well as steps and strageties for the next time he experiences an episode. I need some advice on how to

A) reassure him that I am committed to him and our relationship;

B) encourage him to seek the help he needs to stabilise; 

C) avoid accepting blame for, or validating, his unacceptable behaviour

Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated! It's taken some soul searching to work out whether I want to remain in this relationship and I know now that I definitely do - the difficult bit now is figuring out how to navigate that with someone who is not acting rationally! I'm also finding it hard to process the fact that even thought I've figured out what I want to communicate to him, he won't necessarily hear me, and there's nothing I can do about that. I'm terrified of losing him, I've never seen him in this state before and I feel completely out of my depth. 

Many thanks 

[Zahlia]

Hi @Enoki,

Firstly, I want to give you a big welcome to the forums! 🙂 You have showed a lot of strength posting your personal story on here. Gee, you are going through a lot right now with your partner. Its great though that you have decided that this person in worth fighting for. Have you ever encouraged him to seek the help he needs? Do you think he would be willing? 

I'm going to tag some members here so they can contribute to your post, members who may be able to relate to what you are going through. @Former-Member @Megan @Sukha14

You can also check out some posts by other members who have partners with Bipolar- just type in the search bar "bipolar partner" or "bipolar" and it will give you a heaps of posts. 
There are a few really good one here and here and here

You might also like to read this thread on what constitutes a healthy relationship 

Looking forward to 'seeing' you around Enoki

Zahlia

[Former-Member]

Hey @Enoki

My husband aka Mr Darcy has a current working diagnosis of BPii (not so high highs but low lows and a lot of lows) following a few years of crisis and difficult times.

He rarely drinks alcohol, when he usually only has one glass, max two and does not use drugs so I do feel a bit out of my depth here.

In any relationship there are boundaries, rules which protect your heart, with mental illness these need to be strictly enforced.

I have read and found this to be true for myself that for a relationship to work, the BP partner needs to accept diagnosis and treatment and the non BP partner needs to understand the nature of the diagnosis, its treatment and to be actively involved in the management of their illness. I manage Mr D's meds to a great extent (under instruction from pdoc due to attempts). I am Mr D's enduring guardian and I advocate for him. Getting meds right can be a process, having someone who will give active support and help find a med that works, who will speak up about side effects can help encourage a patient to be compliant. It is a relationship boundary I have that he take his meds as prescribed and if he wants to stop or change it us done in consultation with his pdoc. He knows if he deteriorates beyond a certain point I will call an ambulance. He also knows that I want to keep him out of hospital and will seek early intervention. I don't think I could tolerate self medication.

Self care is essential, there are a few threads on this. It is well documented that carers have a high rate of depression. To be able to cope one needs to let go of how you think life should be, how you think an ideal partner should be, accept you will need to be a caregiver and you probably won't get much sympathy from your significant other if you become unwell, you need to have resilience, courage, understanding and a capacity to forgive. It is not easy, it is hard, I cannot romanticise it in any way.

My advice is I think the crux of the matter is that if your partner is happy to be active in his treatment and allow you to do the same whilst maintaining boundaries esp relating to self medication and that you prioritise self care you can have a satisfying relationship. I think you will find that if you show your partner this, he will know you are committed to the relationship.

Hope this helps

Darcy

[Tiggeroo]

Hey @Enoki
I too have a partner with Bipolar 2, we have been together for 6 years. He is the both the laughter and light in my days, and the dark storm clouds in my nights.
Firstly, congrats on making the decision to stay for yourself and not based on any reaction or behaviour of your partner, when we choose to stay, it needs to be for us. If I have learnt anything in my relationship it is that communication between the two parties is the only way to maintain any level of normal. For us, this took several months of psycholgy sessions together to get to a place where we can discuss our needs and feelings, without letting emotions drive us at the time. Get yourself a good psych, and do check in with them regularly, having someone to help you negotiate this illness is really helpful!
Secondly, tell people... if you can... this is an illness that is going to impact both your lives, be honest about it and people will respond better than you imagine. For example, when I changed employers recently, I told my new employer straight up, I am rarely sick or need time off for me, but my partner has Bipolar and sometimes I need to go and be a carer, they responded wonderfully and the first time I needed time off for my partner, there was no awkward conversations. Also we told our friends, and they were all amazing, sometimes when I just need a break, I know my partner can call one of our mates and go out for a while and they will take care of him emotionally. By being honest, you instantly build not only your partner, but yourself a bigger support network.
And lastly, when times get tough, when he is having a tough time and says mean and hurtful things, remember why you chose to stay... the good times will come around again!
Stay strong and always smiling
Tigz
xx

[Former-Member]

@Tiggeroo

Would you mind if I asked a couple of things?

Does your partner self medicate and if so how do you handle it?

Is bipolar boy med compliant and is he happy for you to be actively involved in this?

How often would you attend a pdoc appointment with him?

I am going to meet the partner of an extended family member who has BP for the first time and I know they have self medicated. Mr Darcy's diagnosis is not definite and it is atypical. Not sure if these questions will pop up but I don't know what is normal for others and it would be helpful for me to understand how someone else who is younger copes.

[Ken]

Run!  I have a BD son, so have no choice of dealing with a loved one. Nobody should willingly take on such agony. You will suffer for your whole life if you end up marrying this guy.  Again, RUN!!