15-06-2018 12:13 PM
Oh dear - what a wonderful thing to have in common - our sons in prison - and the helplessness about it, the misery, the knowing they did this to themselves but also the self-doubt - I totally understand - and so do you -
The understanding is great to have in common though - the best of things - not having to say much at all - just knowing is enough
So you had your sister's anniversary on the 9th - I hope it wasn't too rough - I know these things can be - and how our emotions can be unpredictable - my cousin's anniversary is in less that 2 weeks now - at first it was a hard date but the years have made it easier - his anniversary is the first of many - for me the hard one is my son's and that is in July - I can already feel it - I find it hard to believe what his age would be now - it never seems to fit but of course it is the truth
Keep in touch - it's important - I have a habit of falling back onto my own resources when things get rough for me - I am trying to reach out more
And I have more in common with people than I thought - people sharing how they are feeling is a good thing - we are perhaps part of a new generation of thought that has more caring about each other involved - the stiff-upper-lip thing might pass away and people might find battling through with the help of others easier - I really hope so
[I have managed to get this post tangled up - I am trying to sort this out without having to write the whole thing and don't we all know that this doesn't happen to the posts that we just type out fast - it only happens to the posts we pour our hearts into]
Your mother died on Christmas Day - that would have to register as one of the worst Christmases ever - aw (whatever) - yes we do need to prepare for death - our own and other people's. There is a prayer - in the Litany I think - that we should not die unprepared and I have thought about that one and firmly believe that whatever we believe can be so deeply entrenched it will surface when the time comes - eg - there are no athiests on a plane when it's crashing -
It can be tough but we need to have our affairs in order - the question is though - what is important? Another thing is we have no idea about the hour or the day - and oddly to me that is comforting
Having both your cats sick at the same time was a worry for you - and then having Mummy's Boy Cat die and King Cat was dramatically ill - Companion Cat got very sick when she was less than a year old - just out of kittenhood - she has Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disorder which can cause crystals in the bladder and in males can be fatal - I have never heard a cat cry like a baby before so the pain must have been terrible - the people who gave her to me had kept her male litter mate and he died around the same time and my guess is he had the same disorder
It is so upsetting when our furkids get sick and sometimes die - but it happens - I am sorry about Mummy's Boy Cat and also glad King Cat made it through
After getting into a tangle I hope I have all my thoughts about this post here - I hope I am not the only person to mix things up so badly
Sending hugs and wondering how this will work out - Dec
15-06-2018 12:28 PM
I am big into keeping myself warm - my power providing sent me an SMS warning me the bill was higher - I totally get that - I keep my A/C on warm all the time but the tough part is the concrete floor - and no sun gets in here during the winter - and on days like today it gets icy - I have thermal underwear - it's good stuff to have but I really need to wrap it around my feet
I have to stop whinging about the cold weather - just keep reminding myself we are nearly up to the winter solstice and I will feel better then - I definitely will - I have made up my mind to be feeling better by then - really and truly - definitely
I am planning to share my anniversaries - I can feel the bad one already - and that's a month away but then - it will be here sooner and over again sooner. I have to say though - it does get easier - yes - it can jump out of the woodwork at times and I feel devastated - but it is not like the first year - and it was very cold that year too - the wind blew up off Port Phillip Bay with nails in it - that is a long time ago now -
I hope you are feeling okay by now - and that your coffee helped - and your Dad is okay
Time does pass - my idea for myself is that this is the only life I have and I am doing the best I can to enjoy this end of it - I have one of those incredible adult colouring books and I have been doing a lot of that while I have been watching TV at night - I don't just do one - I do bits of what I enjoy and sometimes use coloured pencils and sometimes textas
All the best Lapses
15-06-2018 12:33 PM
15-06-2018 05:56 PM
Sorry to hear that you have been struggling trying to keep warm....that on top of having existing long term pain...not a good mix...
I know that you are finding this time of year so difficult also.....that is such a natural response given what you have been through....allowing yourself to express that on here might not feel as though it makes any difference.....it does help you stop pushing the pain back down....
I had a very bad night the other night ...thursday night...I rang lifeline and spoke to a man with whom I have spoken before...I did mention that to him...the odd thing was that I did not feel like talking about anything...I told him that I was sick to death of self analysing everything to the nth degree..at first he did not say much and I wondered if he was still there laugh...he was though of course...he was listening intently to my every word....I did not go back over the years over all the other horrible stuff....I spoke of family and my fear of losing the few of my birth family still here...he asked a bit about that...I then spoke about my "family member" whom I now refer to ...sorry if this confuses you...if it does...just ignore this part totally...I can no longer give any further reference...
.this man who was listening said to me that I carry that grief everywhere with me all of the time...the unknown...the fear...that I had no rest ....I said that I try to put it on a shelf at times or tuck it away...it is always there though...
my grief is different to yours....yet still as constant...I thought about the fact that you have an anniversary...I have not...
It does not make it any easier for you though...at the end of the day...grief is grief....
your words are so true @Dec opening up more and more with people with whom we feel safe to entrust such raw emotion is some sense of something...I don't have the words to describe the something...as I have said so many times before...some feelings have no words to justify their depth and intensity....this I am accepting as a realisation that I am learning to somehow exist with this thing called grief...
I hope not too deep or triggering for anyone...
15-06-2018 07:25 PM
I do understand - sharing is so important - I have established a some friendly people here and I am opening up more - I think I had a lot of the "Keep your feelings to yourself" therapy from my family of origin and really take care not to post much about me that might be identifying tor my toxic sister - for whatever reason she has been so unpleasant nearly two years ago I finally had enough and I am not at all interested in ever trying to patch things up so whatever you are talking around -
I guess I can deduct enough information to make a collage of sorts - words are my thing - bottom line - you seem to be saying the same thing as I am - there is something we don't want to talk about for different reasons and whatever happened in the past reaches into the future without being at all something we want to look forward to - something like that - and enough extrapolation.
I don't like complaining but yes - right now it's cold and my back is causing me to be really uncomfortable and it hasn't helped that I have stretched the medial ligament in my right knee and yes - let me say it and leave it as said - I might have to have another MRI - so be it - all this fun started last August so my Annus Horribilis will be over with the end of this winter
Grief is grief - it is the emotion we feel whenever we lose something valuble to ourselves - it can be a person - or more than one - part of our body - our health - loss of families members to dissension - and I think we both have that one
In fact I can quote someone I heard on an inspirational tape years ago - we can have grief when we lose anything - except weight - and for a person who (when younger) was chronically skinny because of stress we can grieve that too
So it seems to me that whatever we lose - it causes us pain - and in many ways this is a unique experience - it also has components in common - and it is never pleasant - terribly painful and it remains true that we will feel this when we know that we will never have the loss returned to us and for me that was one of thes hard parts when my son died - it was permanent - which we all know -
I'm sorry you had such a bad night - and really glad you actually spoke with someone you had already spoken to and knew some of your story and you didn't have to go through it all again. And yes - we all carry our grief around but I can promise you it gets easier as the years pass - it depends on the grief too - when it comes to the loss of your/my birth family that is huge too - there is a lot of toxicity in my family too and it is a longlonglong story and like you - don't want to tell the tale again - I can't do anything to change the past and as the last two years have passed I have worked out that it is hard not to know my nieces and nephew and their families having anything to do with my siblings is now a relief - which is their loss and they most likely do not see it that way
But I understand
With my son I have an anniversary - with my family I don't so with my parents now passed over I can let my sibs go and honour my son on a date - know the anniversary will come to pass and feel this year come and go and probably take a trip interstate to make life a little different for a few days,
Without an anniversary it is a long series of unhappy days and broken nights and what if it was never our fault and never our choice but it has happened? Can the wound heal? -
Exist as well as you can with this thing called grief - that is a good suggestion and you would be surprised how much your words sooth my heart - I have a lot of words - it's not how accurate or how brilliant the words we use are - it's the reality that was say them - and break the "Keep it to yourself" paradigm that causes so much more impact in Traumatic Stress Disorder
16-06-2018 03:43 PM
Can't find words this last day or so but thinking of you & prayong for strength @& appreciated your posts, and you ❤
16-06-2018 10:55 PM
I think of you too @lapses
The expressed intention of the words unsaid is sufficient - sometimes life can become so tough on us our thoughts are prayers - sometimes so tested - our lives themselves become prayers
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