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Something’s not right

where_to
Contributor

How do you do this?

Dear all,

 

I have just registered @ Saneforums and I have no clue how to do this right.

 

I am not sure whether it was appropriate for me to start "my own thread" or whether you guys just add messages to threads that others once started so that things don't get too chaotic. If I have not done it right, please feel free to shift this post elsewhere!

 

I am feeling very down and have just been rather anxiously trying to start reaching out to you guys before doing more reading because I am very afraid that my courage will quickly fade again.

 

Let me briefly outline the issue to you: I am now 23 years old, a student who is described by all her friends, acquaintances and family as "the sunshine" - I tend to laugh and joke a lot, I am described as an extremely active person, I have an ability of fitting in well with any kind of social group and I feel at ease with a very broad range of people - I just generally like people very much, I reckon that helps with it a lot.

For the past couple weeks or months I have felt so high that I kept telling the people I was surrounded by how grateful I was that I have been so lucky to be living my life and that I would not wish to change anything about it if I was given the chance. I had just recently started a job in addition to Uni which went super well, my boss likes me and I managed to work very efficiently and conscientiously. I had tried myself at dating again for a wee while and even though it did not work out, it was nice to be seen as a young and gifted, attractive woman by a handsome man. I guess that gave me some stronger kind of sense of self-worth.

I have had some downs, too, I shall not neglect that. I have had evenings (sometimes also afternoons or days) where I felt very low - the difference was that my mind was usually occupied by some sort of maybe slightly traumatic, unwanted sexual approach that had happened about three years ago. Because my mood was related to something, I felt like that was okay, I would be able to deal with it and that I would feel better eventually, probably by the next day even which helped me calm down.

This one is different, though: This low has lasted for more than a week I'd say. It is not continously there, however - I got up this morning, made lunch, biked 13k to Uni, only laughing at the rain, not being bothered by it at all and then I studied for a good four hours before it hit me. My thoughts kept racing, I couldn't concentrate anymore, I started to get very very sad; I had to leave Uni. I went to the supermarket, only to get food to overeat on. Then I biked back. I told myself to stay calm, I talked to myself in my head as if I were my therapist, trying to rationalise things, trying to make it home safely and quickly. I have cried. I have binged. I am so upset. I was supposed to go see my friends but I said I wouldn't. But I had already cancelled another evening with friends yesterday. And I am not feeling like I will be seeing anyone tomorrow. I am so upset. I do not want to mingle with people, as I am afraid people may see how my thoughts are racing, how I am having all these weird thoughts and how my moods are swinging faster than anyone else's in this world, it seems.


I am afraid to be bipolar. I study psychology and I feel like I should have noticed this sooner, I had always just assumed that I was getting the depression my mum has been having her whole life, too, but I have a strong sense that this is different, as I am recalling a couple weeks during which I barely ate anything and just laughed too much, too easily, all these odd things that just felt so very right and normal to me. I reckon it's more difficult to see in oneself. I know that I should get help. But I am afraid. Afraid to confront it all. Yet, I am tired of the isolation. Isolating myself is the worst part I can possibly imagine. I laugh people and I have no family here. I do not know what to do.. Please tell me where you have taken the strength from of confronting it all! The bravery of seeing someone about it. I feel like my problems are not big enough compared to other people's, that I am not worth someone's time and effort to look after me. Other people go through worse things, they should be given the time I would be consuming otherwise.. I know this is irrational.. and yet, I can't help thinking it is so very true. Someone please get me out of this if you know how. I just want this mood to end.

27 REPLIES 27

Re: How do you do this?

@where_to

Hi and welcome it is fine to start your own thread so don’t worry about that.

It seems like you have a lot going on in your head at the moment so I can see why you are feeling how you are. I struggle with depression and I have done for most of my life I feel Similar to what you have said about my problems being so small when other’s have so much going on but just remember that you shouldn’t feel like that how you feel is real for you. I hope that makes sense 😊

Re: How do you do this?

Thank you @Ant7 for your reply. Strangely enough, simply knowing that someone has taken the time to read through the post and then reply to it is soothing. I am sorry you have been struggling with depression, too. I know how awful it can be at times and I sincerely hope that you will or have already found ways that allow you to cope with it better. Isn't it weird how we feel like we have to have "reasons" to feel depressed? Like we have to have gone through loads of bad stuff in order to justify a mental disorder? I mean, we do know by now that much of it can be strongly affected by genetics and there is little we can do about our biological set-up (except for exercising as much as we can, trying to stick to a healthy diet, building up a supportive social network - but all of those are factors that are oftentimes impaired when we struggle with mental disorders, right).. it's so silly we beat ourselves up over that and yet we seem to do that so much.. I hope you have already made a bit more progress in your journey of accepting what you can't change and learning to handle the aspects well which you might be exert a bit of influence over 🙂

Re: How do you do this?

@where_to Those are such kind and thoughtful words thank you.

For me when things are going bad and getting on top of me I try to focus on the positives (and there are plenty of them) but it is not always easy and sometimes my mind gets the better of me. Do you have any things that you can try that might help? 😊

Re: How do you do this?

You're welcome, @Ant7, thank you, too!

I find it difficult to figure out what might help me.. the problem is that I usually do lots of sport and it always makes me feel better quite quickly, even though it might not last for very long, getting out of the dark for a very little while can make such a difference already! But I am quite certain that coming up with all these plans for tomorrow and then not being able to put them into practise tomorrow might make things worse than they already are, as I tend to beat myself up for not doing what I know would be good for me then.. Do you know what I mean? It's like, I know I should try to see a Doc and get treatment, but then I wouldn't manage to go through the struggle of making appointments and all while being depressed, and when I'm in one of these extremely good moods, I can't see the need for it anymore - things change so quickly for me, but unfortunately it's always right from one extreme into the next.. I don't know if my words are making sense to anyone outside of my head, I'm sorry.. What do you usually do, if I may ask? Is it usually the same thing?

Re: How do you do this?

@where_to I try to look at the good things in my life when I break things down the negative things are so much smaller than the good things when I really think about them. Also like you I find exercise helps. I Mountain bike and surf and hike. But I understand what you’re saying about feeling like you have let your self down if you don’t do what you have planned. I think it’s important to not beat your self up with plans don’t work out and just revise and plan again. I know easily said not so easy to do lol

😊

Re: How do you do this?

@Ant7- you mountainbike and hike and surf? That sounds great! I bike a lot, too, and we oftentimes go bouldering which has got a kind of meditative element to it that helps me a lot. So does Yoga. It's great to hear that you're so active - I hate how talking about mental illness always focusses on the negative aspects so much! When in fact it's still cool people with proper interests - at least at times and we must just keep in mind that the passions and desires and interests will always only vanish temporarily before they will spark back up! 🙂 Are you seeing anyone about your condition? Or do you deal with it yourself? How about opening up to people about it? I reckon that can be such a scary part, especially since I haven't figured most of it out myself either. Talking to someone about it makes me feel like I need to explain things and respond to their answeres, but I do not (yet) have the answers to so many questions.. 

Re: How do you do this?

@where_to Lol I do yoga to mainly because my wife likes it. This sounds worse than it is when I spoke to my wife about my depression she dismisses it.

Her family has a lot of issues and I don’t think she wants to deal with it with me. So I just manage it myself 😊

Re: How do you do this?

@Ant7wow that does sound tough, indeed! I am amazed by how you seem to deal so well with it - I am not sure whether I would be able to cope with such reply as easily as you do, I guess once I would have decided I need to speak about it with someone and that person closes up, I would get very upset. I am happy you do not! 🙂

On the other hand, there  communities like this one which seem to be very supportive, too, right? Maybe it's a good thing then to get stuff of one's mind here, so that you can return back to "normal" in your daily life once it's passed and you won't start to put yourself in too much of a "sick" mentality which might make it more difficult to get back to normal once you're ready if people still act super sensitive around you all the time I guess..

but then again, I've simply got no clue, lol

Re: How do you do this?

@where_to I am lucky my depression comes and goes and most of the time it is not so bad. I was lucky I found the forum when I was low and it has been very supportive and helpful 😊

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