Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I'm just one person my family constantly  expects me to be a peace maker. I try so hard to help them but when it all falls apart its because I didn't do enough and I just don't care about them. 

I struggle so hard with my own demons most wich I have never told them and right now breaking point has been and gone.

I've gone past si thoughts i have what i need to end this pain tonight.

I feel so far gone im scaring myself

[mufasa]

Hi @Former-Member

So sorry to hear how much you are struggling right now.

I am the moderator at the moment and I have just sent you an email! 

[Former-Member]

@mufasa

I am safe at the moment but only because my son is with me 

[Appleblossom]

Dear @Former-Member 

Even if you have active plans you do not need to act them out.  Keeping close to things that keep you grounded in reasons for being helps.

The demands on a peacemaker in a troubled family are high.

Take Care Lovely.

[Former-Member]

I just don't know what to do to keep myself going @Appleblossom,

It's one thing after another with my family and even if it has nothing to do with me i get brought into it.

Then i got the news about my MC and then his girlfriend contacted me. Now I'm scared for my safety my heads gone haywire i cant keep calm I'm in bed under 2 blankets i have barely been out for three days I had to take tablets to get myself out of the house for 2 hours so my son could go to a birthday party. I have been sick for nearly two weeks straight with a chest infection and all my family can do is tell me that I have to do more or i don't love them enough i dont know what to do any more I feel like a failure as a mum because I cant do anything with my son unless I zombie myself on tablets first so i don't have a breakdown 

[Appleblossom]

Its great you could get your son to the party. @Former-Member Meds or not.  I have gone with meds also ... to keep me calmer and able to deal with turbulent seas.

You do come from an extremely fraught situation.  My heart really goes out to you. For a while I had to deal with one death after another. It was not always pretty.  I cant say it will ever be easy.

DO what you need to do to get through.  There is a simple dignity in that.  Eventually your son will benefit from seeing your struggle and facing that vulnerability and then the strength within himself.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I can hear that you feel as if you have done all you can and that it's never enough and you feel you are at the end of everything - I really can hear that

But I would like to know why you feel you have to be the peace-maker. What does that mean? How did you get that role? 

Yes - I understand that your family expects you to be the peace-maker - which after all - is very unrealistic - it is up to them to be their own peace-maker after all - 

What do they expect you to do in the role of peace-maker? - I wonder if they are all adults - though you have a son - and adults are responsible - or are supposed to be responsible - for their own behaviour

So it seems that it all falls apart because you don't do enough or your don't care enough - I am not sure which or both - but before you do anything drastic please think carefully

If you feel you don't do enough or don't care enough - this might be right and I don't blame you. I don't know what you feel like because if I ever had a title it would have been trouble-maker and my family tried to treat me that way but I left them

This is what I think - if your family can't be at peace it's not your fault - I can't imagine what you can possibly do to keep the warring members of your family from each other's throats. It's better that you don't care more than you do - it's terribly hard as @Appleblossom says - I wouldn't even try

But I do hear - what I hear most is someone out of their depth and really tired of everybody cavilling at each other. Please don't hurt yourself - you are worth more than that and your son - he is certainly worth more - 

Find something else to do - if you can take your son out for the evening and let your family work it out themselves

Really - I don't know anything about your BabyDragon - but I know about life - and it is precious - we only have one life and it is unique - it is special - and wonderful.

Dec

[Shaz51]

one step at a time @Former-Member, my friend xxx

sending you knowing hugs as My MIL thought I could fix mr shaz up

[Former-Member]

Hi @Owlunar, @Shaz51, @Appleblossom and @mufasa

Thankyou all for your support during a very difficult time for me.

I ended up going to the hospital to get help.

I told my partner and 2 very close friends.

I have been allowed home with a safety plan in place.

So while I still have si ideation I am safe and being supported (watched like hawk).

@Owlunar 

I am my mother's eldest and I have 5 younger siblings.

When I was almost 6 I went into Foster care where I was abused by most of the people who were suppose to care for me. 

When we were back in the care of my mum I cared for my siblings doing the things that she should have done and protecting them especially my sisters from the people she allowed in the house.

This ment more trauma for me but it saved my sisters.

As we have all gotten older and become adults I have found it difficult to let them struggle and grow I have always been the one that they could go to for help and support. Even having a son of my own I find myself constantly making sure they are ok.

Now that my mum has stopped the hard drugs she has tried to make relationships with us and while her and I are too far gone (even though she doesn't see it) i try to help my siblings have the mother relationship. But it is a struggle as they see me in that role and this often leads to arguments when she tries to do the things that I have always done for them. 

This leads to them all looking to me to help smooth things over.

I hope this has answered some of the questions you had @Owlunar

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member

I honestly believe you are amazing and owe it to the extraordinary aspect of your life to find a way to survive.  Listen to your basic human goodness and instincts..

I agree you "cant do this anymore", as your life is so fraught with crossed boundaries, multiple attachments, excess responsibility, parentification and betrayal by carers.

I have only some aspects that are similar. I made different choices and my parents were different people.

I am glad you reached out.  I wish the support was more warm and connected rather than hawk-like.

walking or working in nature??

Often people who have endured foster care are put down in the media.  Lets at least form a broader kind of sisterhood. We both went into care at 6 and were returned to our biological parents. I was very torn between responsibilities to my siblings and my children.  I was amazed to learn of this middleclass concept that one was only responsible for one's own children.  My mind boggles with all the implications.

Tend your internal soul. The part of you that is unique and also very strong to have survived til now.  So many spritual paths are talked about on the net.  Find the ways that speak to you.