Lived Experience Forum

[Madilee]

Hi all, 

New-ish here not sure if I have ever posted before. Going through a lot of stuff right now. (Will say trigger warning for things).

I feel so overwhelmed an its so hard, I'm trying my best to manage an keep pushing through. Using my skills, breath, tipp temp dbt CBT act mindfulness, hospital even tried to appease me with hand me out certain meds for sleep an calming to take home cause they knew they where doing a real number on me. In any other case they would be fussy as all hell about giving out such meds, I didn't even ask for them. 

Every new thing I have found out along the way of this experience, while in the hospital to now has been a de escalating hell. I've tried to problem solve each situation as it arose but every time it just got worse. -_- 

In a nut shell I went back in after a month to a private hospital where I previously had a positive experience mostly. Happy with my treating psychiatrist last time etc. In the in between I had a run in with my perpetrater that brought my PTSD up bad, as well as that I was dealing with heavy stuff with on going emotional abuse from my mother, an a lot of overwhelmed feelings, suicidal an self harm urges though trying best not to give in to it. Dealing with trying to reapply for the NDIS an stupid services that are meant to help but talk down to you an frustrate an can't help in an real ways. Having no support other than calling respect hotline. 

So I went in to the hospital again finally after 2 weeks any after the date I already had a planned admission -_- the triage system is such a fing ??? No one can tell me how it works. Another patient told me she was waiting 2 weeks also an tried to ... Herself an she got in. Yet in other cases I could see that might have landed her in the mater etc.

Anyways I didn't think about it, I didn't expect to be triggered by my doc, only overwhelmed an uncomfortable to talk to him about it all. Coz I saw my outside psychologist an told her an slipped into a bad PTSD attack. Going to post an continue cause afraid of loosing all I have wrote.

[Madilee]

..So yeah, I really was out of it, so scared, shaking, trying to curl up. She had trouble bringing me back out to the room, I didn't want to go to that place with him. I spoke to one of the therapist before my meeting with him, an freaked abit talking even with her. But she gave me good advice and I went in confident an expressed my needs, my comfortably of what I was willing at the time to talk about an why. He made a crake about feeling obsolete, but I had other things I said he could still help me with. But then I got triggered. He has a small room an he is right in front of you in a swivel chair that he likes to move round in. Most time obviously I was fine. First time he met me in there,  an he got my diagnosis an sermised what sort of bad shit had happened to me with out making me uncomfortable to talk about it. He said your doing pretty good in here with me. I was like yeah well I try to trust...bla bla, etc it was a whole convo trust has to be earned too...but I was I a better head space then I guess. Though I still got triggered there by others anyways. Triggers can be so random -_- . piss me off to no end. So yeah, he did nothing wrong, just got scared, as usually when he moved his chair over towards me he had a reason, to show me something he wanted to draw etc. But because it was sudden an he had this serious face, my fff kicked in an I internally froze up, I was able to carry on like everything was fine, I thinkmonthpart of it all for me, not being able to show it, to say that is not ok, part of my abuse history to internalise, as I learnt expressing feelings was not safe and got me no were good. But it comes out later when I can let go an feel it. 

All through out I've been worried about his feeling an him being offended, or thinking I am saying he did wrong things. By the end of it all, he has gone about it I feel sadly in many mishandled ways, only making it all worse. I've complained to the hospital about not just him but the treatment of the situation from the hospital its self, and to the official visitors via phone, doesn't sound like its will go very far, but I needed to do it. The miserable scums were trying to direct me away from making complaints -_- telling me to focus on my discharge. I said well I care about this for myself and for future patients that might face the same situations. 

I was first told I would have to discharge a week to come in under a diff female psych. Then it was a month. Now since my forced discharch, because of not being legally allowed to be there they said without a treating doctor seeing me 2 times a week, that I'm out, I can't return as per the recommendation of my psych -_- 

Anyways this is what is happening now. Continued...

[Madilee]

So I had this gut feeling he was black listing me even before I left, as I has the Nurse unit manager an her fill in tell me the appealed to all the other doctors at length of my situation an non where willing to squeeze me in. 

Now that I'm out I went to my gp an she got a letter from him with his recommendations I don't return to that hospital. She said she is following it up. I called the Num an left 2 messages for her to please call me back. I called the ward an they said yeah the psychs do have a lot of pull, triage would be able to tell u, coz I said I'm trying to find out where I stand. Sure enough triage said as per that psychs recommendation they can't accept a referral for me. So I am now writing a most likely pointless letter to try to get him to appeal his decision. Everyone ( except the Num who was real with me about him thinking about himself) try to frame it that it's for my best interests, etc... But no one is listening to me. I feel like will ferral in zoolander! 'I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!' Lol no one else notices what I notice. All his poopy body language, his words saying one thing but his actions an behavior saying another. 'I'm not offendened' then all these games and weirdness. 

This is the draft of the letter so far.

( I know I should use dbt skill dearman, but eer meh it is hard an all an to not put 'you did bla' getting backs up)

To Dr

I’m writing you in regards to my last admission under your care and your recommendation that I do not return to the private hospital.  I am hoping that in writing to you I can appeal to you to change this, as I found many aspects of the hospital positive for my health. I’ve been made aware that based upon your recommendations I cannot at this stage be accepted under another psychiatrist there. I feel this is very unfair and if this was a decision made trying to be in my best interest, I am hoping I can be heard and that my voice would be considered in this.

I fully understand you’re not comfortable to continue to be my treating doctor. That’s obviously fine and though things where sadly exacerbated and messed up with the whole first initial trigger that happened (which was simply a case of you being a male in a small room alone with me an suddenly moving your chair towards me when I asked you about a social worker. My PTSD as you now know being heightened from seeing my rapist in public for the first time in years, in that moment it was just my fear response my fff kicked in, and though you didn’t see my reaction, internally I was scared froze, and later all the distress feelings hit me...and I talked to my nurse about it...said my body feels like it’s on guard for an attack an I was very worried about offending you etc wanted her to make it clear you knew i wasn’t saying you did anything wrong etc.... I know this is becoming a long insert section, but I have another relevant point I want to make also. Back in my June admission, I went to one of the male facilitators groups and through simply smiling at me and holding eye contact for a few secs too long for my comfortability I was triggered by him. I stayed in the group challenged the feelings, managed to look at him and talk to him eventually, but still had trouble during and after. But I guess my point is, triggers happen, and I work on challenging them, finding the best ways to work with them etc I can see you for who you are Dr, as in not someone out to hurt me, I feel If I didn’t feel this underlying threat constantly of my needs not being acknowledged and made a priority I could feel a sense of ease to see you around the hospital without issue, as I will explain in the next part it was that mix up of my feeling an words and things that were not handled too well, leading to me feeling a sort of displaced triggering from you, I admit) (which I will elaborate on to make things clear).

I already expressed these things mostly in my other letter to you that I gave to my therapist to pass on to you. But it was things like, being put on the spot by you and an my nurse about if I’d feel comfortable to see you alone again. As you could see I couldn’t look at you guys, and I was becoming increasingly distressed when you guys did that, all the rest of the time I was fine. With other times it was that you weren’t able to guarantee a female in the room and it made me feel triggered in this way of not respecting what I was going through, it made me feel unsafe, because I couldn’t guarantee not feeling triggered and just having a female present just helped. It was things like me expressing my distress around all the NDIS stuff and how I wanted to talk to a female OT to help me to think about filling in the 6 areas of the access request form; even though ur team has a male OT, and his a lovely guy, obviously said would feel more comfortable to talk to a female about it. Then I was going through my crap draft and said need to talk to someone about it to word it better and stuff, and you said I needed to talk to you, and I just felt like a deer in the headlights. I know I needed to ultimately fill in the form with you as my psych, but I was feeling clearly uncomfortable to talk about it all with a male at that stage. Wanted to get it bit clearer then fill it out.

Anyway these are things that had me and my annoying unwarranted amygdale having freak outs. It was just a unfortunate set of events. had I been not so afraid an able to express myself more clearly to you in the start, had things not become misinterpreted, and my needs been able to be a priority etc, the whole thing might have been a lot different.

Again, you do not resemble my rapist in the slightest, as I pointed out to my main nurse the night she told me that was writing in my notes and that you said ‘poor mite no wonder she is so scared of me, i cant keep being her doctor then etc’. If that had been the case I would have been triggered by you the first time we met.

It distresses me so much I’m having to be doing these things, to talk about these things, to be fighting and fighting when i need help and support, when I already have so much to be trying to cope a manage with. Been home a week and half, I’m trying to use my skills, looking after myself best I can, but I’m so overwhelmed an my body is twisted with pain, sick feelings and fear of how much more I can take.

As I expressed to the NUM an her boss when i talked to them I had bad experience at both the other private hospitals you referred me on to. I also talked to you about these experiences when I first meet you upon my first intake, perhaps you had forgotten?  I could understand, with seeing so many patients and it being a time ago. But with that knowledge, trying to send me onto these other places, when I have expressed how unhelpful they were for me, is not in my best interest.

Being unable to return to a place that was mostly safe and helpful to me, I feel very unheard of what my needs for my wellbeing are, I am very distressed to hear of this, it feels like I’m being punished for having PTSD and trying to work with my issues best I can. I really hope my words will be taken seriously and an outcome can be met to meet the best-case for this situation. Thank you

Any thoughts/ advice, support,  on this would be appreciated. Thanx everyone  😞

[Zoe7]

It definitely seems like a very tricky situation you have there @Madilee. The PTSD alone is enough to deal with. I can completely understand you wanting a female to be with you in certain situations and I would see that as your right for your own safety reasons. I have read all 3 posts and while I empathise with your position here I really don't have an advice for you but you do have my support. 

[Madilee]

Thank you @Zoe7@@@@as said really appreciate it, been trying to see about going to one of the places I mentioned that had a bad experiences with also as a desperation back up, as atleast the place it's self was ok, an I found out the female cmo that I had to complain about because of her being too handsie and entitlement to touch me with out asking, not sexually but it was messed up and an odd an she got in my personal space. She was aware of my PTSD and continued to do such things even after I told her I wasn't comfortable with what she was doing. She was a odd duck o_0 when she wanted to speak with you, she talked to you like u were one of her dogs. She would be at my door an say 'come talk to me' with this big fake ass smile on her face
When ever I asked her how she was, she would never answer. Always looking desperately for some amazing thing she could tell me about myself so she could pat herself on the back, the conversations were pointless and irritating.
But after all that the psychiatrist I'd been seeing there an as a outpatient for 2 years, who I respected an though respected me an the patients an their work towards recovery an management of their health, became a unprofessional jerk head 😞 I saw him 2 final times for emergency appointments after that admission, telling him I was doing everything I could, using all the skills, but I was very suicidal, he was only interested in my cravings, as back the I was detoxing from alcohol. I felt so unheard, I went one last time, I was in a panic attack struggling to take in what was happening, my mother was there, but she was as useless as a potted plant in the corner, he accused me of just wanting to be numb, of avoiding talking about things in my notes because of the things that happened I the hospital with his team, I didn't realize till after he meant about my official complaint. He started ranting an raving about antidepressants only helping me 5% on top, saying we have tried all we can, angrily staring me down, I just met his gaze an did the same but said yes to all he's poopyness, I just wanted to leave. He mellowed at the end trying to appease with a random med he had no confidence in, I took the script, with no intention of filling. Have been sober an not struggling with it like I used to for a long while now.

So yeah I wasn't siked about going back there, but that is of the table to me anyway. Speaking to the triage woman, an she informed me that he felt I didn't need to be in hospital, and that the therapeutic relationship, there is only 2 other doctors at this place I said what about under a diff doc, she said they all have the same feeling. I snapped! Did me no good, but fuck! I I'm at the end of my rope.

[Zoe7]

It really sounds like you are fed up with the whole system and have had bad experiences that have led you to be less than impressed with the treating professionals at that particular hospital. I understand how incredibky frustrated and hurt you feel. It is not a nice postion to be in @Madilee. Do you have a gp and/or psychologist that you trust to discuss some of this with. It may be a good idea to talk to them as well about what you are presently dealing with and see if they could offer you some extra support right now.

[Fredd50]

Hi @Madilee,

That is completely messed up so sorry and angry to hear you went through all that.

But also pretty freaking amazed at how incredibly clear you are on what was going on, how it affected you and why.

Sadly, it's a problem in psych wards and has been for a long time - they often have a very poor understanding of trauma and trauma triggers 😞

Have you ever spoken with the Blue Knot Foundation helpline? They are really good with the trauma stuff and especially in understanding how environmental triggers like what you described can have a massive impact. I've found them incredibly supportive and soothing in times when I couldn't find sanctuary on any ward and had to find a way to get through in the community. I found them a bit different from 1800Respect, partly because they really get how hard it can be trying to get help with trauma in a psych environment also have sometimes been able to help in walking through exercises to help calm and soothe and ground when really triggered and just lend an understanding ear to help sort out how to piece together adequate support after being dumped out without any.

There are some day programs around that can organise either somewhere safe to go or someone to come to you we have MiCare and MiCare choices in Tasmania, I'm not sure what the mainland equivalents are or if they are the same in terms of trauma-informed.

If 1800 respect can refer to face to face domestic violence counseling with a specialist who feels safe there's that too. 

For me, getting through was down to finding safe places and safe people to help get me through. The more safe people I had and having enough safe places helped teach my poor battered amygdala over time to settle down enough for me to be able to start to take control and get back into life again. Sometimes the safe place was just wrapped up on the couch with a warm fire and a good long non-triggering tv show to watch in marathons and take my mind off fears and memories into a nice safe storyline. And practicing self soothing and mindfulness as much as possible in my cocoon. Not feeling alone was a vital part of it, so being able to have a combination of safe support people to see every week put routine and structure in so I wasn't just stuck on the couch or home alone. That ongoing relationship with people I was able to see often enough that I came to trust them helped incredibly. So it didnt matter that there was a psychologist, a mentor, a domestic violence counsellor,  a support group, a community worker, half a dozen helplines, calming guided meditation virtual-people, and whatever else.. what mattered was that those people felt safe and I wasn't alone and desperate in a terrifying world, little by little the amygdala catches up with that.

It was hard, I wont lie but the silver lining was that getting through outside a ward also taught my brain that the ward wasn't the place I had to run to when I was scared - that safety could be found in the community.

I think one of the hardest but ultimately the best lessons was that with the help of support and kindness I could become a safe person for my inner traumatized self to turn to. Not being alone in it all but getting stronger inside, little by precious little.

Was it right from your posts that you do have a couple of safe people so far  that are trying to help you sort this out?

Really, really hope things get better for you soon. Withing you peace calm and sweet, sweet safety 💙💙💙

[Fredd50]

Hi @Madilee,

I'm female,  despite the awkward tag and can unfortunately relate to some of what you described.

That is completely messed up so sorry and angry to hear you went through all that.

But also pretty freaking  amazed at how incredibly clear you are on what was going on, how it affected you and why.

Sadly, it's a problem in psych wards and has been for a long time - they often have a very poor understanding of trauma and trauma triggers 😞

Have you ever spoken with the Blue Knot Foundation helpline? They are really good with the trauma stuff and especially in understanding how environmental triggers like what you described can have a massive impact. I've found them incredibly supportive and soothing in times when I couldn't find sanctuary on any ward and had to find a way to get through in the community. I found them a bit different from 1800Respect, partly because they really get how hard it can be trying to get help with trauma in a psych environment also have sometimes been able to help in walking through exercises to help calm and soothe and ground when really triggered and just lend an understanding ear to help sort out how to piece together adequate support after being dumped out without any.

There are some day programs around that can organise either somewhere safe to go or someone to come to you we have MiCare and MiCare choices in Tasmania, I'm not sure what the mainland equivalents are or if they are the same in terms of trauma-informed.

If 1800 respect can refer to face to face counseling with a specialist who feels safe there's that too. 

For me, getting through was down to finding safe places and safe people to help get me through. The more safe people I had and having enough safe places helped teach my poor battered amygdala over time to settle down enough for me to be able to start to take control and get back into life again. Sometimes the safe place was just wrapped up on the couch with a warm fire and a good long non-triggering tv show to watch in marathons and take my mind off fears and memories into a nice safe storyline. And practicing self soothing and mindfulness as much as possible in my cocoon. Not feeling alone was a vital part of it, so being able to have a combination of safe support people to see every week put routine and structure in so I wasn't just stuck on the couch or home alone. That ongoing relationship with people I was able to see often enough that I came to feel I could justifiably trust and work with them helped incredibly. So it didnt matter that there was a psychologist, a mentor, a domestic violence counsellor,  a support group, a community worker, half a dozen helplines, calming guided meditation virtual-people, and whatever else.. what mattered was that I chose the people that felt safe and I wasn't alone and desperate in a terrifying world, little by little the amygdala caught up with that.

It was hard, I wont lie but the silver lining was that getting through outside a ward also taught my brain that the ward wasn't the place I had to run to when I was scared - that safety could be found in the community and I didn't have to keep running for sanctuary to a place that ultimately felt terrifying because I had no control over the environment (and those in it weren't suffiently trauma informed.)

I think one of the hardest but ultimately the best lessons was that with the help of support and kindness I could become a safe person for my inner traumatized self to turn to, and that I could soothe and comfort that inner traumatized self. Not being alone in it all but getting stronger inside, little by precious little. Also learning that I could learn to connect with safe people in the world, so I didn't have to choose between a rock and a hard place and run back to those who weren't, that I had choices and there were options and I didn't have to stick with someone when my instincts screamed 'no!'.

Was it right from your posts that you have found a couple of safe people so far  that are trying to help you sort this out?

Really, really hope things get better for you soon. Wishing you peace calm and above all safety

[Madilee]

Hi thank you for your very beautiful replies an advice and everything, really want to reply properly myself, just so overwhelmed at moment, so much happening, promise to get back to this asap. Thank you so much @Fredd50@@ a@Zoe7

[Zoe7]

Take your time @Madilee There is no pressure to reply - looking after yourself is the priority Hon. Hope you are doing okay