Lived Experience Forum

[RCAM]

Day 1

Today, I walked away from a three year relationship (confusion-ship). A man who played the biggest part of my life, in mostly negative but addictive ways…. Now I am battling through the dismissed memories- the was my brain ‘forgets’ and suppresses things as the pattern of me forgiving him and returning to his baiting works time and time again.

I don’t want to! I want to stay strong. I want to remind myself of all the emotional abuse, the sacrifices, the pressure, the physical abuse, the toxic coping mechanisms, the infidelity, the red flags, the isolation, the insecurities… however this part of my brain craving the dopamine seems to be popping its head up.

I am aware of the cycle. I am also aware that I need to find myself again, I need to work through this, find replacement thoughts and feelings when I get the urges… I thought you (someone!) surely has lived experiences, maybe you can share with me, comfort me! Tell me I am not crazy!!… I love this person, see the good in them, despite ALL the most horrible things (that’s crazy!), I wouldn’t allow this for my best friend but allowed for myself for so long.

Help me through this! Give me strength. 

[Appleblossom]

@RCAM 

Being able to see the why and the good is a beautiful trait in you. You don’t need to sacrifice sanity to put up with harmful behaviour in intimacy. I know what it feels like… can be a bit like Stockholm syndrome.

You are worth more 

[Sand]

@RCAM 

Im sorry to see how conflicted you feel. The best advice I have been given to get over a breakup its to remind yourself of the bad times with that person and start doing nice new things for yourself to replace the loneliness.

For the first part it helps to make a list of all the bad/toxic behaviours/times that your former partner displayed, this should be somewhere easy for you to access so that whenever you start missing them you can counterbalance this nostalgia.

The second part is I think harder, starting to make new activities and habits to replace what you used to share with them.

I hope you are doing well and that the above can help you 🙂

[SkySeeker22]

@RCAM 

It is such a strength that you have recognised what you need for you and walked away to prioritise yourself. 

For me, when I have been in situations where I recognise that I need to change the way I am feeling or things I am doing, I always tell myself to "take a breath". In the act of taking a breath and focusing on that for a second or so it seems to make your brain stop and reset.  It gives you a bit of space to think about what you are doing and what you can do to change it.  When your brain is craving dopamine, you could try to stop and take a breath to reset to determine what you are actually needing at that time.  If a negative thought comes to mind and you could try and take another breath and reset to think of something more positive that you can do for yourself. 

Also perhaps a type or reframing would help your thoughts. Instead of thinking "I need... OR I am..." you could change this thought to "I am thinking... OR I am feeling...".  This may help to change your thought process surrounding your thoughts/memories and feelings.

Stay strong!

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

[Asgard]

Hi @RCAM 

Read your post and it certainly struck home with me.  I was in the same situation as you, knowing that the person was bad for me, yet time after time forgiving their behaviour and making excuses for them.  They were both a devil and an angel.  Finally I saw sense, it is hard, so very hard, but you have to be true to yourself and know that you are worth way more.

So all I can say is trust yourself, you are now in control and go from there.

All the very best