Lived Experience Forum

[Kal-el]

Hello anyone else struggle with guilt and shame 

[Miss-wish]

Hi @Kal-el and welcome to SANE,

Yes I do. I have been made to feel guilty and shame most of my life, even over things that aren't my fault and I had no control over. 

I'm here to talk if you would like to.

[chibam]

Hi @Kal-el . Welcome to the forums! 🙂

To answer your question: yes, I think we all do at some point. Sometimes it's justified, but sometimes also we can be manipulated by others into feeling guilty about stuff that we really shouldn't feel guilty about.

Even if there is just cause for us to feel guilty, often it isn't helpful. Often it is more preferable to try to spend our time trying to figure out a solution to a predicament, rather then stressing over who's fault the predicament was in the first place. I've been wrestling with that one a fair bit recently.

If you feel like sharing, what are you feeling guilty about?

[Kal-el]

thanks so much for your reply it’s impacting my PTSD and anxiety 

my straight friend and I made out several times when we’re drunk and I’m in a lovely relationship 

[Jynx]

Hey @Kal-el quick tip - if you want other members to be notified that you've responded, use the @ symbol to pick their name (or type and select it) so it shows up in blue, like this: 

@chibam @Miss-wish 

[Miss-wish]

 @Kal-el Oh gosh Hun, I think most people have done something they regret while being drunk. A lot of the time people act completely different when they are drunk to when sober. 

The fact that you feel guilty, shows that you regret doing it. 

I'm hopeful that someone can answer this then me, but I am conflicted and don't want to give you the wrong advice.

I am hopeful for the outcome you want 

@Jynx  are you able to help? 

[Jynx]

Well similarly to @Miss-wish I can't say what you should do @Kal-el because the only person who can decide the best course of action is yourself. 

It might depend on what your relationship is like, and which pathway would lead to the least amount of pain for all involved. Would it be better to not mention it, to save your partner the stress? Would it be something that could end up biting you later down the track if your partner found out? Is it something that will continue to cause you pain if you keep it secret? All questions you can ask yourself to decide how to proceed. 

@Miss-wish is right though in that we have all done things we regret when drunk. It's not our mistakes that define us, it's what we do afterwards, and how we choose to learn from them. 

[Captain24]

Hi @Kal-el 

Im with @Jynx @Miss-wish. Only you can decide what to do or where to go from here. 

I have been in a similar predicament, however I wasn’t the one in a relationship, she was married. I haven’t shared anything like this before on here. I’m only sharing in the hope you feel

less alone. 

[chibam]

@Kal-el  I don't really know how to respond to that, even though I'd like to be helpful.

Best thing I think I can reccommend is to ask yourself why you've been doing that if your already happy with your existing relationship. Are you sincerely happy there, or do you just feel obliged to act like your happy with it? There are usually outside forces trying to dictate what we should want for ourselves, and putting pressure on us to act like we genuinely do want those things for ourselves. If our lives closely align with those aspirations imposed upon us from those outsiders, then they'll probably pressure us to act grateful for the way our lives are, even though we privately wished our lives looked very different.

And if we're not wholeheartedly pursuing or embracing those things that outsiders have decreed are "good for us", then they can pressure us into feeling guilty that we're not acting the way we're expected to act.

Perhaps it might be helpful to imagine yourself finding a magic lamp with a genie inside. If you got a bunch of magic wishes and could make your life exactly the way you wanted it, with no limits or restrictions applied to what you could change, then how would your life look tomorrow? Would you be with "partner A", or "partner B"?

Maybe this might help you figure things out.

Hope this helps.

[Xibon]

Hey @Kal-el 

Absolutely. Both about things I've done wrong, and things which have happened to me.

I wonder what others here think about the distinction, however, between shame and guilt. Brene Brown makes the observation that guilt can be informative; we can use guilt to recognise how to better ourselves when we have failed our own values or not respected others.

Shame, however, is held in private. We feel shame often about things no-one but ourselves knows, and we use it to judge ourselves or convince ourselves of unworthiness - whether the trauma we hold was our 'fault' or not.

It seems to me guilt can be a seed to help people grow and flourish, where as shame will only cause us to self destruct.

Sometimes naming our shame will be a helpful first step on the (frequently nonlinear) road to recovery and healing 🙂

I hope that naming the guilt/shame you feel around making out with someone while in a relationship helps you to heal, to realise you are worthy, and to realise that you are more than your mistakes ❤️