Lived Experience Forum

[CheerBear]

Hoping your assessment went OK enough today @Teej. Your brave inspired me to do something I have probably needed to for a while and I booked an assessment for a specialist counselling service today. I might chicken out but it's a start at least.

Hope you're going OK tonight ❤

[Teej]

Was just thinking of you @CheerBear. Was trying to compose something when I saw this. 

Today was harder, better, crazier, more honest, more deceitful, helpful and full on. It was 90 mins long. I’m not sure what I think about it. All my fears played out there. 

I have a better understanding i think I think of the therapy and how it might look. It’s very different to anything I had but she actually pinpointed some stuff that provided a few lightbulb moments. 

The more honest was was that I just put stuff out there that I thought I’d hide because I was so scared of rejection. It feels like this is a last ditch attempt at sorting me out to find some kind of functioning again. The more decietful was not disclosing the true nature of my self medicating. I didn’t exactly lie, I just didn’t tell all. The more crazy was me getting so paranoid that there’s nothing wrong with me and I’ll be rejected. The better were the light bulb moments and that she was able to describe stuff to me that made sense. She talked about my disconnect between understanding everything but the feelings don’t match. Sorry that’s not worded well. 

It is going to be much harder than I thought and pretty intense. I won’t know for another three weeks as to whether she thinks this therapy will work for me. Needless to say all the emotion and build up to be rejected is pretty messed up. I had lots of si when I got home about why am I doing this and I should just end it now but then got a text from the psychologist thanking me for today and I didn’t feel so much doom and gloom. I slept for 4 hours after the appointment I was so emotionally exhausted. 

I returned the call to respite and I am going (I think). I desperately need a reset. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow which I’m going to hate because I’m holding off telling her anything. I’ve chickened out of seeing her for the last three weeks. I have to go tomorrow and I will feel deceitful and horrid and disloyal etc etc so it’s another messy day Straight after by an appointment with the service for an assessment for respite. On Tuesday I had a review of the psychsocial program I go to which ended up being very emotional for me too. Im kind of over everything just now. 

Im really glad you’ve found your brave. I think maybe it’s having a nice reciprocating affect. I keep finding mine better after you’ve jumped another hurdle. 

Just going to tag @Sans911, @Faith-and-Hope for the update. This isn’t meant to be exclusive but I feel like I owe it to them. Not needing any responses. 

Hugs to all reading this dribble. 💜🤗

[CheerBear]

There's SO much in there that gives the feels @Teej. You've truly done so incredibly well to go through all of that and still have words left! It's totally understandable you're feeling over everything now.

So happy for you with respite and crossing everything the reset helps. Maybe it's good timing after this week, even though it's not great timing in a way too.

Hope there's some peace or rest for you tonight. You're doing this Teej and you've got it ❤

[Teej]

Oh and ✋🏻👊🏻 To @TheVorticon for reading. Sorry bout the hugs 😳🤔

[Teej]

Thanks @CheerBear. I hope you have a peaceful night. 💜🤗

[Teej]

Hey @Former-Member. I should have tagged you too, and probably @Appleblossom and others I’ve forgotten. Brain is pretty fried. 

How are you going? What’s happening in your part of the world? I’d like to know and leave self absorbed teej behind for a bit. 

Hugs 💜🤗

[Former-Member]

hi @Teej
no need to tag me, im glad in a way that today went okish... kind of sounds good in that there were already a few lightbulb moments for you and that the new psychologist has a good understanding of some things already, i hope that it leads to good things for you! but like @CheerBear said also think its understandable all the emotions and anxiety going on with it all, its a lot!
As usual im finding it hard to talk about me. if i pretend i dont exist its all ok! kind of burying my head in the sand to hide from my self i think. not sure that will make sense...

[Teej]

Yeah it does make sense @Former-Member. Lately I’ve thought of you often with different things. I think I’ve learned lots about me in the last 6 months. Lol this isn’t about me. BUT I think the things I’ve learned lots have been through you, and others here. 

Its ok not to have words as such. 

Have you got outside with dog? I’d imagine it’s pretty bleak in your neck of the woods. It poured here for a while. I can’t tell you what the rest of the day was like. I was AWOL. 

[Former-Member]

Its been really wet here @Teej and soo cold. Even Dog hasnt wanted to go outside, at all! have had to push him out the door several times a day... But also not feeling well and exercising makes some things worse so havent been doing much for a while. It rained steadily here for most of the day. it stopped in the late afternoon but its really cold.
It's been a big six months for you, im glad that the forums help and are here.

[Teej]

Oh it must be bad for dog to not go outside @Former-Member ❄️🌧. I lost it with mine yesterday. I knew I was at breaking point and he pushed me. Because it’s cold and I haven’t got much heating he keeps crawling under my quilt but accidentally steps on tender parts of my body. I have so many bruises and scrapes from him being pushy :face_with_rolling_eyes:😳. It’s my fault because I’ve lost control of me I have of him too and he is pushing dominant dog and I’m giving in cos I haven’t had much fight left. 

Have you plans for next week? I hope the weather improves for kidlets.