Lived Experience Forum

[Love2023]

My husband and I were married for 3 years, we separated 10moths ago. We were very happy at the beginning but after getting pregnant things changed. He was not ready for a child at the time, but we kept the baby. I would be getting angry at him all the time because I felt he didn't pull his weight in the marriage. He was not supportive, insensitive and very selfish. He worked a lot but felt he was not working for us but for himself. I was always getting angry with him, yelling, screaming and throwing things when I found something I felt he has done wrong or when I felt some injustice in the marriage. This went on for the last two years. When I get angry I could not control it I told him to leave about five times. When we were overseas on a holiday we had a massive fight because he kept complaining about my country where we were holidaying, I took it personal, I told him to get his own room as I could not bear to be in the same room as him. I told him to find himself a place when we get back to Melbourne. I wanted reassurance, but he just stood there and agreed. This was the time he finally left. It killed me, because I did not really want him to leave, my emotions got the better of me. When he left I told himI did not mean it but he said it is too late. He promised he will not be with anyone for two years to heal. But two months after leaving me he had a girlfriend. He said he is serious about her and loves her. He blocked me from everything. He said he only ever wants to talk about our daughter, and never ever talked about what happened and refused to discuss it when I tried. I felt rejected, invalidated and hurt to the point where I have been having suicidal thoughts, feeling I can't go on. Finally I had a mental breakdown which led me to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with BPD and CPTSD, I felt relieved and sad at the same time. Everything made sense to me, about my emotions and my actions. My spouse and I are planning to meet this Wednesday 10th Jan to discuss parenting arrangements, and I am planning to tell him about my diagnoses. My question is should I tell him? I am hoping that if and when I tell him, that he would understand, and that he would give our marriage another chance. I still love him very much and I really want to put our marriage back together. A have enrolled myself in a DBT program because I truly want to better myself for me and for us. I am also on medication. Is it really all hopeless? Will my husband give us another chance seeing he is with someone else now and does not seem to care or love me anymore?

[Bow]

I personally would not tell him @Love2023  but that’s just me. I have a similar story, married a couple of years and then divorced for all sorts of reasons of which I won’t go into. But since separating I have really struggled with my mental health, but I have not mentioned any of it to my ex. He could use it against me if he wanted to. 

so think very carefully before disclosing any of that information to your ex. It sounds like your ex has moved on already, which is sad. 

[tyme]

@Love2023 ,

I'm sorry to hear everything that has happened. However, it sounds like you very aware of what has been happening. When I was diagnosed with BPD, it was a real 'ah ha' moment. 

I didn't declare it to the world, but it meant I could work to make the necessary changes. 

If you are meeting him about arrangements for your daughter, and decide to mention it, see how he takes it. He may consider it or maybe he won't. But that's okay. At least you won't live the rest of your life wondering....

Having an open mind towards it will be a good start.

I have to say, well done on taking steps to heal. BPD is not a life sentence, and things CAN get better. I know this from my own experience.

[Love2023]

@tyme Thank you for your comment and advice. I have been picturing the conversation I will be having with him in my head over and over again, it's driving me insane!

I can't help but feel some injustice because I feel like he just used me to get his permanent visa (he was on a student visa). He just waited until the final step of the application was processed and he was confident to leave after that because we have a child together and knows he will get it regardless. But before the final stage he stuck around, despite of the numerous times I told him to leave because I was so unhappy and angry. And to me it further validated that feeling with how quickly he moved on. For him to say he loved me a lot, then moving out without any qualms and onto someone else. It kills me even now when I think about it. I feel like he just used me for everything. I lent him 20K to get a car and paid for the visa application, I put him in my will as I already have my own place. In the beginning we were planning to buy a house together, then the last year of the marriage he started planning to buy a house on his own, saying it would be unfair if he only has half a house and I one and a half house. In the end he said the reason why he wanted to buy his own place is because he knew we were going to separate. Also, when we separated he said I was not up to his standards, he is 6 years younger than me, I’m 45 and he is 39. He told me “ I don’t want to turn 40 and be next to a woman who looks like she is in her 50’s. Mind you I am Asian, and I look great for my age. He said I didn’t look after myself anymore since having a baby, that I don’t even like to exercise. He said he didn’t even like me as a person….He is very much into health and fitness and does look great. But I have always felt he was extremely superficial and a bit of a narcissist. I only felt secured with him before falling pregnant, after that I was insecure all the time. He would only post pics of himself and our baby in social media after I had the baby, and he constantly posed gym selfies. Another thing I was not happy about. He never listened or validated my feeling when I would try to talk to him because he said I would just end up yelling at him and found me to be very difficult to talk to.

I don’t know, I wonder whether it’s my BPD and CPTSD that contributed to all my thoughts. But his actions are all real, not imagined (apart from using me for his PR, that is my opinion and he blatantly denies it). Just seems like he is the worst partner for someone who has BPD and CPTSD. I wish I was diagnosed 10 years ago. It would have helped changed my ways and would have learnt so much about coping…

[Gwynn]

It sounds like he’s decided that you two are now only coparents to your child. I'd be concerned that in trying to talk to him about your new diagnosis, he may use it against you in some way.  Even with treatment and supports in place, looking after yourself is a marathon.

[Love2023]

Thank you for your reply. Yeah,I am contemplating that perhaps I should not say it rather that I am getting treatment for my anger... I just don't want him thinking that I am innately evil due to my past actions/reactions. Yelling, calling him all names under the sun, throwing things etc. because i couldn't control my emotions.

[Gwynn]

I know it sucks having someone you loved think badly of you, but what’s important and within your own control?