BPD and trauma on carers

[Nightmare838]

Hello SANE community,

I'm new to the forums and have used the hotline for a few years now. My background is trauma and BPD. I apologise if I'm posting in the wrong section, as I mentioned before, I'm new to this.

I'm writing to ask if there are others out there who have gone through BPD and despite having more skills with DBT, etc. still struggle to be kind and effective to those around them? My husband has developed trauma due to my volatility during crisis mode, and now has his own breakdowns when I get upset with him. He had to have an emergency appointment with his counsellor because of strong suicidal thoughts, and was recommended to go away for about a week to have a break from everything and attend to his needs. So he's gone with a friend of ours.

I'm thankful to God that I'm not in distress mode. I have enough logic brain working to understand the reasons why and that it's not abandonment. However, I notice I feel like I'm a robot or something... it's like I'm not reacting OR responding at all. I don't know if it's denial or if it's the fact that I'm just keeping the sadness at arms' length as much as possible.

I guess my post is to pose the question: those who have been in a similar situation, what did you do? What did you find helpful? What skills did you work on that helped? What did you work on that helped strengthened and healed the relationship??

Looking forward to hearing from you guys.

[tacocat]

Thanks for sharing @Nightmare838 

I just wanting to make a quick post to welcome you to the community. 

You're asking some great questions there, so no doubt our community members will jump in and share some helpful advice soon.

See you around the forums 🙂

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Nightmare838 ,

I have BPD.

I'm a little confused about your post so I thought I'd better ask. Are you saying that your BPD is pretty much 'under control', but the effects your BPD has had on your husband is what is the issue at this time?

Sorry if I've misunderstood.

[MermaidHair]

Hello @Nightmare838 and welcome to the forums 🤗 Just so you know you have posted perfectly and in the right place, its nice to meet you.

It sounds like you are doing really well to cope and be understanding through this instance of your partner needing space to take care of himself. I'm hearing that you've come a really long way and are looking to build upon this to further heal and strengthen your relationship.

I don't have BPD personally but I do have CPTSD and I can definitely relate a lot because my partner has been through a lot due to my triggers, traumas and how they have manifested in our relationship at times. It can be really difficult and confronting to acknowledge this and then to be able to give our partners what they need without feeling damaged, like a burden, or abandoned.

For me aside from therapy and practicing DBT skills like you mentioned, it has helped me to keep a relationship journal. This journal serves so many purposes, everything from recording all the things I love about my partner, everything I am grateful for, a place to vent to when I am spiralling, to a place to read back when I am triggered and need reminding of all the positives. Personally it has been really helpful for me and my relationship. 

I am going to tag in my good friend @tyme because they have a lot of experience with BPD and are more knowledgeable than I.

Lastly I want to say good on you for doing the work on yourself and also trying to support your partner and help your relationship. You seem really self aware and I hope you find the tools and advice you're looking for 💜