Healing Relationships

[Alice6]

Hi,

I’m in a bit of a place at the moment where I feel like I’ll never have safe and close relationships. I’ve just had a couple of people I really trusted, and relied on for support, hurt me deeply. I was wondering if anyone was willing to share if they were ever in a similar situation and if they ended up having those close relationships they thought they would never find. Would love to hear some great stories just to stay hopeful and remind myself that things get better. 

[MJG017]

Hi @Alice6, welcome to the forum.  I can't really comment on being hurt deeply by someone I trusted, mainly because I have only ever had one person I trusted enough to form a close relationship with.

I was like this ever since I can remember.  I never really felt close to anyone and never felt I could trust anyone and I guess no one every decided to go out of their way to prove me wrong.  

I was about to turn 40 and had sort of a mid life crisis/epiphany... call it what you will.  Up to this point I had never formed a close relationship with anyone, even a close friendship.  It became clear to me if I didn't change anything, I was going to spend the rest of my life alone and never form any sort of close connection to anyone.  This seemed like a bad outcome, so I kind of panicked a bit and did 2 things I thought I would never do in my life. 

One was I found an online forum for people who were lonely and for the first time in my life talked to other people about my issues and how I struggled to muster up any self confidence. 

The second was a put a profile up on an online dating website.  I knew I would never have the confidence to contact anyone, but thought i'll put it up and see if anyone was interested... never expecting much.  Over the next 2(ish) years I had 3 women reach out to me who weren't scammers or fake profiles.  I went on dates with them, each of them lasted 2 dates.  Now keep in mind these were the first dates I had ever been on in my life and I was completely terrified.  And being in my early 40s it seemed like a bad idea to mention this to them.  So I can totally understand why they each seemed to lose interest after 2 dates.  We talked and got on well I felt, but I never had the confidence to get past the friendly chit chat stage and maybe they thought I was just being friendly but not interested... I don't know.  I just knew I was bad at this and felt like I just found it impossible to build up enough confidence and trust to in anyone to make this work and after almost 3 years I decided once my current payment ran out (in about 2 weeks) that was it for me.  I had tried it for almost 3 years and I was just useless and there was no point continuing on.  I just couldn't let anyone this close to me, and other people clearly sensed this.

So with about a week to go before my subscription ended, I got another contact.  I thought might as well have one last friendly chat with someone one last rejection and give up.

We got to the end of the 2nd date.  I walked her back to her car and we just sort of stood there in awkward silence.  Now I say I wasn't good at this and had very little experience but even I knew she was waiting for me to kiss her.  That just terrified me even more and said goodnight and we both went home. 

So I went home and logged onto that forum for lonely people where I had made friends with some person from overseas and had chatted to them in the chat room there and gotten to know them fairly well.  She knew I had this date that night and asked how it went.  I told her I think it's over and I had messed another one up.  She told me to call or message and tell this woman I had a great time and would like to meet again... then said she was leaving the chat and wouldn't talk to me again until I did this!  So I did.  And a 3rd date was planned.

Now the rest is still a bit of a blur, but basically this woman was enough like me that she had a feeling about I was struggling with confidence but she was a bit more 'assertive' than I was.  Long story short... This October we will have been together for 11 years.

So that is my story. I'm still not great at letting people close to me, it's a work in progress. But it shows you just need to keep trying and looking, even when it seems impossible.  Yes, it can take a lot of luck, but just meeting the right person can change everything.  And yes, she still gives me crap about that night at the end of the 2nd date, standing there awkwardly in the car park!

So if I can find someone to trust enough to form a close relationship with, then surely anyone can.  Sometimes you just need to be delusional enough to keep that flicker of hope alive and let it make you do things you thought you'd never do, or at least no completely give up until you do find that 'right' person.

So i wish you all the best and hope than you can have a similar result.  I know how difficult it can be and can only image how much harder it must be to have your trust betrayed like that.  But as much as it hurts, I like to think it says more about how bad a person they were than anything you should feel bad about yourself.

[Glisten]

@Alice6 My female friendships are my most trusted friendships. I have a small circle of 3 close friends and we all got divorced within 6 -12 months of each other. Lol

One is about to go to hike Spain, another is yachting the East Coast of Australia, the other one is settling in to her new home and new job.

My ex is a narcissist coercive control abuser and currently with his third victim. As a result of his abuse, I have PTSD.

I was never taught how to use Boundaries and I was a People Pleaser. I am constantly vigilant not to fall into old patterns. I wouldn’t say that I am narcissist-proof. But most recently I can say that I no longer attract them like a lighthouse.

It isn’t enough to know what you don’t want in a person. You have to know what you want and match it.

My psychologist said “If a person doesn’t inspire you, they are not the person you should have a relationship with.”

I am not going to find my people on a dating website.

• Find what you are passionate about and do it.
• Learn how to use Boundaries - there’s a skill to using Boundaries effectively.
• Turn up for yourself, by putting your needs first. Build and nurture you 🫵🏼
• Don’t accept LESS.

You can learn these things by going to the Events @Ru-bee can you please put the link for the Events page for @Alice6 

with gratitude

G

[Ru-bee]

Great idea @Glisten, @Alice6 you can find upcoming events here, as well as taking a look at past events

[Chrisp]

Hey @Alice6, thank you for sharing, it can't be easy if you struggle to trust others. 

I feel how much you're in pain over the relationships that have hurt you deeply. I've had so many relationships where I thought I could trust, rely upon and share with those people only to end up hurt and mistrusting of everyone. So I thought I might tell you about my most recent close friendship. 

I was dating who I thought was an amazing guy, he showed up where I thought I needed him, made me dinner when I was tired and rubbed my back when I was upset. And then all of a sudden he just left. I was so upset, especially because I hadn't dated in two years and thought I had helped myself through the toughest time in my life just to be alone and vulnerable again. But this is where my friend Katherine came in. 

Katherine consistently messages me, asking if I needed anything, if she could take me to work, if she could take me out to go see a movie, or have a drink. It was relentless but when I said "no I would like not to speak and just be alone", she says "that's fine, I'll be here when you want me to". She never pushes to ask how I feel but she's also a constant presence when I need an ear. She knows my boundaries are my own but will always be waiting to help when she can and it really has renewed my faith in people who I can trust, but will also allow me to feel what I feel. 

She has taught me not to trust people with words alone, but their actions and how they show up for you when you need them :). 

Alice6, I truly hope you find the people who show up for you and do the same for them, because I genuinely believe when you find your people, life gets so much easier :).