Swinging the other way. TW: Suicidal thoughts

[Spookums]

I think I may have been hypomanic for a week or so but now, I've suddenly swung right back the other way. 

I feel desperate. My husband wants, more than anything, for me to lose weight. He asked me again this morning. Thing is, I have been trying for five years with no lasting results. I'm terrified but the idea of bariatric surgery (I'm not eligible at most places, but found one or two where I might be). As a compromise I signed up to an online business that prescribes weight loss injectables. More than $300 a month. Their doctor was supposed to call me today but they didn't. 

Made an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. Already have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday so I guess I should hang on till then at least. Don't see the point though. 

My husband is the only person who has ever really liked me. I thought he loved me. Perhaps he does, but he is certainly not attracted to me anymore.

I feel like he doesn't appreciate anything about me. He never praises me, to my face or to others. I am the sole earner for our family and he had never thanked me for that, even though I am always thanking him for things he does at home. 

I am worthless. I try so hard in life but no one likes me. I am fundamentally unlikeable. I have tried to reach out to people in my life but only one had been sympathetic and she's too far away.

I will wait till Wednesday. I WILL. But I don't see what can possibly change.

[MermaidHair]

Hey @Spookums,

Thanks for reaching out and sharing all this. I know first hand how rough those bi-polar mood swings can be, from having an energetic and uplifting week, to feeling suddenly completely hopeless and lost, it almost causes whiplash. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm glad to hear you have appointments lined up with your psychologist and psychiatrist, although it feels pointless right now you're still being proactive because I think deep down you know it's not pointless 🙏

It sounds like you're lacking a lot of support and consideration from your husband. I'm really disappointed to hear about his focus on your weight and the burden you carry by being the sole earner, that is a lot for anyone. You are so much more than your looks or weight and you deserve to be loved and appreciated regardless. Has he ever attended a psychology appointment with you, or would he be open to something like that? I think he is in need of an adjustment to his perspective and expectations, and that isn't on you.

Have you ever spoken to anyone at lifeline? They're a fantastic place to reach out when you're really low and feel you have nowhere else to turn 💜

[Captain24]

Hi @Spookums 

I know only too well that god almighty crash after an elevated episode! It’s hard and it’s fast. 

I feel for you. 

I am so glad you have reached out to your supports, that shows strength and understanding of your needs. 

I am so sorry about your husband, are you able to speak to him in regards to your needs? You should be loved and appreciated for who you are not what you do or look like. 

Hang in there… it’s almost Wednesday 

[MJG017]

Hi @Spookums.  I can't really add much to what the previous replies have already said.  I completely agree that it's extremely disappointing that your husband isn't supporting you and seems only concerned with your appearance. It's not fair, and i'd even say cruel, to make you feel worthless.  You are not worthless!  If you're worthless to him, then that says more about him than it does about you.

Is it possibly to reach out to this person that's far away?  It sounds like you could really use a chat with someone you trust right now.  Other than that, just stay strong and see how it goes on Wednesday.  Things can always change, we just need to sometimes change where we look.  All the very best to you I hope things get better for you soon.

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Spookums 

I can't add much that hasn't already been said in these lovely replies, but I did want to check in on how things are feeling today?

I hope your psychology appointment goes well today and gives you some much needed support

Feel free to check in here as you need it, we're here for you