Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

I've had a breakthrough in therapy.

I am still not over the loss of my child when I was 17 years old. I had only lost my brother a year before from a long terminal illness. I can't talk about with anyone because my family never knew I was pregnant to start with and it is something that if you knew me in person, you'd know I'd never raise as a subject. I am probably the LEAST maternal person around, so why am I still grieving for something that never was meant to be? 

Apparently a lot of my attachment issues (or lack of forming attachments rather) can be traced back to significant losses... the loss of my mother at 11, the loss of my brother at 16 and the loss of my child at 17. I never realised twenty-one years on, I'd still be deeply affected. When I had my miscarriage I was hospitalised overnight and discharged without any follow up care at all. My GP was disinterested. I didn't know there was counselling available for such things so I never went. As the pregnancy was under 20 weeks, there was no need for a funeral as back then, my child was not considered a human being. This year I would have had a young man or young woman in my life, if things went differently. They would be celebrating their coming of age. 

Anyway, that's my breakthrough. Thought I'd share my 'progress' with you all and let those skeletons out of the closet again. 

[Former-Member]

@Queenie  I had a similar experience when I was in my early 20s though.  I'm thinking I would rival you on that least maternal scale.  I try not to think about the things you are saying re how old they would be what they might be doing or how my life would have been different, because if I do, it gets to me too.  So I don't think that is unusual.  I think it's fantastic you have had your breakthrough.

Another obstacle removed perhaps?. Seems you are having some "biggies" in the last few weeks.

By the way, I'm going to find your crown... you seem to have lost it. 😉

[Queenie]

Thanks for replying @Former-Member. Yeah it was a biggie. I am kind of worried about shutting down if I have too many biggies in a short space of time. I can't afford to break down at this point with my commitment ceremony only 2 months away. 

Yes I have lost my crown... I think the corgis ran off with it.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Queenie and @Former-Member I am very sorry for your loss. I have never been pregnant so I can't relate to what the loss of your unborn child must have been like for each of you. However, I do know that miscarriage is often a "disenfranchised" grief. That is, society in general doesn't validate it as an acceptable source of grief. Grief is grief, and even though I haven't experienced that particular type of loss, I certainly know the agony of grief. So...I want you to know that I am sitting with you in your grief.

[Queenie]

Thank you for your kind words @Phoenix_Rising. I think yes, miscarriage is definitely a form of disenfranchised grief. It is certainly a taboo subject in society, even today. I guess what I am searching for now is a way to process that grief. I'd only previously mentioned it in passing to my gf and she was shocked (not the reaction I was hoping for). 

Something to work through in therapy...

[utopia]

@Queenie. Well done on another aha moment. The miscarriage was another loss that you incurred at such a tender age. Miscarriage unfortunately has often been swept under the carpet and never spoken of again. Which is such a shame. As this loss needs to recognised and grieved like any other death.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope that with the support of your mental health team & your gf - that you get the chance to grieve and to heal.
Wishing you well. ♥♥

[Former-Member]

@ Queenie said;
"never realised twenty-one years on, I'd still be deeply affected. When I had my miscarriage I was hospitalised overnigh- discharged without any follow up at all
- my GP was disinterested.
- didn't know there was counselling available so never went

- pregnancy under 20 weeks theres no funeral
- my child was not considered a human being

- this year i would have a young man or woman in my life, celebrating their coming of age.

Hi Queenie, coming to terms with this 'significant loss' will bring healing, just acknowledging, having someone else acknowledge it is great (i haven't had that re miscarriages). Was thinking maybe start a thread 'miscarriage loss' as a way of people talking about it - for healing.

I'm walking with you in this - having had x2 miscarriages myseld. One also at 17yo and another at 27yo. Like you both were under 20wks and not acknowledged but as you know - expecting a child for 2, 3, 4months is wonderful, I even started buying baby clothes, books - planning ahead. And the baby is changing our body in preparation for their arrival, and we feel them growing, sometimes even moving. Our baby, our child is VERY REAL TO US! To have all this snatched away from us suddenly, with nothing left to hold in our arms - this is major loss, a part of uschas died.

To add to our pain - there's nobody to talk to. In ny case both were socially unacceptable circumstances (one person even told me 'itsca good thing'). People often don't even know. Not even the father - when I was 17 as he was a sailor out at sea for months. I tried to tell my mum but she said "that's your own stupid fault for getting pregnant in the first place!" So, i took the pills to stop the bl##ding, put my tail between my legs and never spoke of it again. Looking back, it never occurred to me then that this was the trigger for a major depressive episode that year.

Again, at 27, a brief hospital stay like you, no followup accept one bill after another (re private) triggered ptsd reactions and a catastrophic meltdown that year - spent a total of 4months in & out of MH hospital (counselling may have been cheaper). Even when in hospital then - the professionals overlooked the miscarriage grief - more obcessed with my past abusive childhood, drr.

I've come to learn trauma builds up (when shoved down one after another). For me, that year - it all became too much.

Queenie, YOU had those major losses so very young - mum, brother and child... you must have been ready to explode by the time the miscarriage happened. Then having to hold all that in without any 'debrief' or support.. Did you have a 'meltdown' like me that year? The massive hormonal changes didn't help... ...

Just want you to know - I hear you, and celebrate a quiet 'coming of age' for your lost child with you. I believe he/she is in heaven watching over you / us, still growing up in spirit, till we meet again (hope its OK to say that).

Its all very sad. Made me stop and be more kind to myself re so many losses, so much suffering, alone.

Can I have a hug, few tears here, a big fat cyberhugs, oops, dam bursting, better just let it out. Putting the kettle on, oh dear... sorry, gotta go 💔💜

[utopia]

@Queenie @Former-Member ♥♥♥♥♥♥

[Queenie]

@Former-Member My dam is bursting for the both of us. I think I'll just allow the tears to fall. 😞 

I am sorry to have triggered you, sitting beside you and sending cyber hugs.  I was told by the father of the child that the miscarriage was a good thing too and that I should've actually been happy about it. We split soon after.