Father's Day grief

[tyme]

Me three @MJG017 @Mustang67 . That WAS my go to.

If I had a had a choice to do what felt most comfortable, I would still do it, but because I know it's not good for my MH, I am quiet for a short time, but then I push on.

It's not easy, but I found it works so I can maintain my MH.

[MJG017]

@tyme @Mustang67  I think my issue is that I still allow myself to spiral down, eventually get back out and then look for support.

[Mustang67]

@MJG017 I won't answer the phone or messages.  I don't go on social media and normally cancel any appointments I have, even if the appointment is exactly what I probably need. I just stay in bed and watch a movie or shows on my phone to take my mind off why I am depressed and sleep a lot.

I wonder why we do this?

My therapists are not happy when I do this. And a couple of times, a welfare check was only a day away.

[Mustang67]

@MJG017 @tyme I am the same. I just have to let my body and brain, have time to absorb what I need to, then I will rebook my appointments. 

We do sound similar ☺️

[Mustang67]

@tyme @MJG017 I am hoping that by using this forum, I will learn to reach out and get off my chest what my issue is. I need to learn, how to help my MH when the depression starts to set in. I am going to try really hard to reach out earlier than I normally would. 

[MJG017]

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@Mustang67 wrote:

I wonder why we do this?

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I've thought a lot about this as well.  For me I think that from a really young age, it was my main coping method.  People made me feel bad, so I withdrew from everyone and just wanted to be alone to stop any more pain while I tried to process the current feelings.

As I got a bit older that always remained but it morphed into other slightly different uses.  If something was coming up that made me very anxious or something I was really worried about... I would then just withdraw, keep to myself and wait it out.  I still don't really know how it was supposed to help, I guess my mind thought I had enough to worry about so protected itself by entering the 'underground bunker' and only come out once the crisis was over.  That would stop anything new during the waiting period to add more stress and anxiety to the already full load.  Over the years it just became automatic.  Now it doesn't feel automatic, just like the only trick I know.  Then you get diagnosed with a serious illness... something you can't just 'wait it out' until it goes away and you now have no idea how to cope and it just builds and builds...

I remember when I got my bad result last December, I got home sat down and all I did was watch youtube.  I watched some random video and when it finished, I didn't even feel like finding something else so I watched the next one in that series.  In the next 5 or 6 days, I ended up watching about 120 episodes and that was all I did when I was awake.  As you say, it just helps to take the mind of things.  I find it difficult to sleep though for the same reason, when I'm depressed or worried about something, laying there in bed in the dark, there's nothing to distract me and my mind just keeps ticking over and I find it very difficult to sleep.  I'm sort of used to it now.  I don't remember when the last time I got a full nights sleep was... it's definitely been more than a year.  I know it's not helpful and I know it only makes things worse, but i don't know... I just feel defenseless against it a lot of the time.  That's why I now find it so helpful to come on here and talk to people who understand and can relate.  Almost everywhere else, it feels like i spend all my time just trying to make people understand how difficult things are and it feels like a losing battle most times.

[Mustang67]

@MJG017 I can totally relate. That's why sometimes I am replying on here in the early hours of the morning. Sometimes I just get up and watch TV. But then I sleep most of the next day away. I have been given an antipsychotic that I use to help me sleep when it gets too bad. I only use them as a last resort as they stack the weight on.

I feel that, as you said, we go underground to allow our mind the time it needs to process what's going on. I will get to the stage when I am sick of being I'm bed, and force myself up and back into the real world.  My last bout lasted 6 days. And I know it is hard on my ex (who I am currently living with), as he works full-time and then still has to come home and organise tea, or do the dishes. I feel guilty. But I just can't force myself to do anything during these times.

[MJG017]

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@Mustang67 wrote:

@tyme @MJG017 I am hoping that by using this forum, I will learn to reach out and get off my chest what my issue is. I need to learn, how to help my MH when the depression starts to set in. I am going to try really hard to reach out earlier than I normally would. 

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@Mustang67  I've found that just my talking to people about what I do and think, makes me see some things in a slightly different way.  This has led me to some helpful strategies but also a better understanding of what some of the things are that I need to work on are.  Even just learning to reach out, whether at the right time or not, has helped me so much.  And being here had been a really big part of that.  You definitely seem to be pretty active here so I really hope you're finding it as helpful as I am.

[Mustang67]

@MJG017 I am enjoying being on here, and realising that I am not alone in my struggle. I think I will learn a lot being on here.

I saw a new psychiatrist last week, which is what brought on my depressive episode, and he wanted me to keep a mood diary and to join some sort of group to socialise. I think he meant a group where you are psychically in the same room as the other people, but I am happy to spend my time, chatting on here for the moment.  Plus I am currently nearly finished a 10 week workshop, so that was a group of people. And I have signed myself up for another one called Shark Cage which starts next month, and also for a Trauma Informed Yoga class. So I will be interacting with people. 

And I think that sometimes just by talking about your issues, lessens the burden a bit.

[MJG017]

@Mustang67  I think you're doing the right thing.  If you enjoy chatting here then that is extremely beneficial.  Plus it sounds like your have a few group things going on.

For me, I know if I force myself to do things with other people I dont really feel comfortable, or just not in the mood for, it can make things worse for me because I don't interact, the feelings of isolation and not being good enough start rising and I leave feeling worse that I did before I went.  We do have to push ourselves sometimes to do things but you get to know what might help and what wont.  So I tend to add new rhings slowly, orherwise i easily get overwhelmed and I feel worse.

I couldn't agree more about just talking about our issues does help and as you said, lightens the burden.  Sometimes that's all we need in that moment, just to be heard and understood.