What to do with spare time?

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Hey,
So due to a few problems at work I have been asked to start taking some time off work. I will now be taking Friday's off each week, because I point blank refused to take 1 or 2 week blocks off.

This is for a few reasons:
1. I hate taking time off, as when I return to work it appears the staff that covers my work does a half-a##ed job, so I have extra work to catch up on.
2. I have literally no social life. I live alone, have no friends, and social anxiety and BPD make it hard for me to go out. Ever. Work is pretty much the only time I'm out of the house with people.
3. Being alone and without anything to do (while on leave) means I am alone with my thoughts far more than is healthy, which inevitably leads to a SH relapse and suicidal thinking.

So I suppose the questions here are, what do people do with time off?? And does anyone have any advice/tips for helping me with my thoughts??
I have an appointment with my psychologist in a few weeks so I'll speak to him too, but I was wondering if anyone has any ideas in the meantime.

[kato]

@Crazy_Bug_Lady 

Hi CBL, i was of the same opinion of my co-workers, i always came back to ore mess then it was when i left, i pretty much am isolated myself, i have very few friends, i try to keep myself motivated each day, to do small tasks, i when i wake up, have my tablets and breakfast or lunch depending on what time i wake up, then i meditate/breathing exercises for about 30mins, to relax, i try and go for a walk, for about 30mins close to home. i then try and do household tasks that need to be done, washing of clothes etc, even tho i currently live at home with my parents i still try and do things. If i am agitated or edgy, i go for as long a drive as i can manage, usually between 1 to 2 hours, i go up into the hills and take all sorts of turns with no objective, i then when i get home i sometimes put music on in my headphones, and play a computer game, or surf the net, you tube is always good.

basically i just try to fill in time with different things.

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Thanks @Kato.
Omg. D'you know how much of a relief it is to "hear" someone with the same opinion about work.
I apparently got aggressive (I didn't think so) with someone at work last week so got sent to HR today. And this is my second time in the last few months I've been to HR. Not a fan. Either way, I was told I needed to take time off to "help with my condition".
I managed to tell them outright that I am not taking a few weeks off. As a compromise I am taking Friday's off.
I figure I can't get up to too much trouble one day off a week. 😊

[kato]

I think you will find for a lot of people that thought is very common, but i used to take it too full on, i would work 15 - 20 days straight sometimes, and then burn out for a week, just to do it all again. when i work, i push myself too far, it is good, to take a breather and relax, even if it is just an extra day a week it can make a good difference

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Mmm... I work Monday to Friday, then Sundays I work at a farm. I haven't had time off since a 2 week break in September, where I worked at the Royal Show.
I know that taking time off work is a good thing...
When I posted this I had just finished the HR meeting and I was feeling pretty hurt. They said they new about my mental health issues and wanted to know exactly what they were, and my treatment etc. And kept bringing it back to my health. How am I treating it, do my "specialists" know I'm not taking breaks, taking time off will help me and my treatment of my mental illness.
I hate this so much.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Crazy_Bug_Lady 

Having time off work can be a good thing. But it also depends on the individual themself. I can see how feeling forced and also being questioned about private details such as your MI can be stressful. On the other hand, this could be an opportunity to unwind. 

Figured out what to do with your time off? Having time off is a very subjective thing depending on interests, energy levels, and resources. What sort of stuff (apart from work) do you enjoy and are you interested in.

Lately, I've been feeling pretty tired so I've been laying low reading a lot, and baking goodies. Other times, I like to get out and about outdoors. 

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Hi @CherryBomb,
The whole thing blows. Last Wednesday I was frustrated and took it out on one of my supervisors. Thing is, she's also a friend outside of work. So the fact that was the one that reported it to HR hurts so much.
And dealing with the stress and fear around the fact that I've only recently been diagnosed, and I don't understand what is happening. And now I feel like I can't talk to her.
I've been quite depressed and so slow and tired and useless. I feel like I need to keep busy, coz if I slow down I'll stop, and not be able to move again.
Which means all the fun suicidal and just plain bad thoughts are running rampant. (I am so useless and out of control I should just stay in bed where I can't hurt anyone. Better yet, if I was gone, I won't hurt anymore either). And I'm SH'ing again, so trying to stop that while feeling so negative is impossible.
I think once I get over this mood I'll be okay with it, but in the mean I'm feeling all bitter and paranoid.
And having my MI brought up certainly isn't helping me trying to get my head around it.
I asked my supervisor if she could email me the report she sent to HR, so I can try to understand what happened and work out what I need to do, and she's written in there that among other things, she is concerned for my personal safety.

Sorry for being all over the place.
Writing this has made me realise I do need a break. But I am feeling so completely crappy at the moment, I'm worried what will happen.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Crazy_Bug_Lady 

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so low, and that you're having suicidal thoughts. If things get too much, please call the emergency numbers I have provided at the end of the post.  I think it's great that you're looking at ways to stay safe, and you're making plans about how to manage this. Staying busy can be good, just be cautious about burning yourself out at the same time. Doing things that are relaxing, while keeping busy might be an idea. Things like walking, going to the movies, or doing something creative are among a few suggestions. 

Have you been through similar moods? How have you gotten through it? You mentioned that you're feeling paranoid and bitter. I think that's a pretty normal response after what's happened. You opened up to your friend who you trusted, and that trust was broken. Be mindful of not letting this particular situation with one of your friends define all of your friendships. When trust is broken with one person, it doesn't mean that trust is broken with all. Though it can be very easy to feel this way. 

Getting a diagosis can feel pretty overwhelming.  Knowing what is what is hard to figure out. Do you have a counellor, doctors, therapist that you can speak to about the symptoms? They can usually be a good starting to place to get to learn more about what you're going through, and they can help with developing coping strategies. 

When things get overwhelming, and I'm dealing with multiple things. I find getting back to basics can be pretty helpful. By this I mean, doing the basics to stay well: rest, eating well, exercise, and support - I think this in itself can be a full time job. I know it all sounds very basic, but it helps to be the best as you can be so that you can manage stress. 

Stay safe,

CB

Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467
If in immediate danger: 000

[Alessandra1992]

Jeepers..that's a pretty tough space to be in...so much to deal with all at once...I don't like how HR initially handled this, way too intrusive and overwhelming for anyone.. But as I read through your posts it reads as though you are starting to think some time off like one day a week is not such a bad idea..and to figure out what to do on your day off..well what are you passionate about? Could you enrol in some online study?
It reads as though your supervisor was concerned about you and is worried about your wellbeing, and that is good to know, but the fact she is also your friend...well hard to not feel betrayed..However she has given you what she wrote, and that's being honest..what has work agreed to..one day off a week? Maybe you could make appointments in advance for things like browsing bookshops, haircuts, GP, psychologist..popping into local library or community house to see what's on offer..you never know there may be a group you'll enjoy...maybe you could start a group like caring for unusual pets? Using your expertise to meet other people collecting and caring for different types of pets..
You have lots to offer @Crazy_Bug_Lady...virtual hugs if you'd like one, or friendly waves and smiles...you're amongst friends and we're cheering you on..you can't see us, or hear us but we're here...

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Thanks Cherry,
I live right near some wonderful walking trails, so I'll try to get out for a walk on Friday. And maybe remember to bring a bottle of water and a bus pass, after last time I went for a walk while in a mood like this I just kept walking until I suddenly realised I'd walked for 3 hours and it was dark, and I'd not paid attention to the path or brought my phone (with GPS). I managed to beg a bus driver to let me on so I could get home. 🙂
I want to talk to the supervisor about this. To let her know it's hurt me, but I know if I try it'll be me crying like the useless blubbering mess I am. And I'm paranoid now and don't want to send her an email.
The problem is that I don't really have any close friends, only a few co-workers (her and one other), so I feel like I have no one to talk to at the moment.
I have an appointment with my psychologist in a few weeks, so I'll discuss the problems with him, I've already written a list of questions/problems that I'll prolly just shove at him and stare at the floor like I normally do. -_-
Sorry to be a bother and worry people, I just need to get this out. I am currently having a 'blue' as I jokingly call it, where I am depressed and fell so low. I'll come out of it, I normally do, so I just have to hang on for the light. I just wish the dark wasn't so long in staying.