Lived Experience Forum

[Josie72]

I know what I’m feeling is reasonable but I so want to be one of those people that can just keep the emotions under control without needing to overshare or have meltdowns

My current situation started on this path about July 2022 when my workplace changed hands and the new business model wasn’t working for me. I stuck it out until about Feb 2023.

My mum was developing dementia and with the pressure of that and the changes at work I decided to start looking for a new job. But then mum had a reoccurrence of vulva cancer, had surgery but between 2 pet scans, 8 weeks apart, it went from “it’s just the lump we know about” to “your terminal with about a month to live”

My sister had come to help mum after the surgery (she lives 7 hrs drive away) as I was still working at the time. (You can’t sit for 4 weeks post surgery on the vulva).

I have a very complicated relationship with my sister. Our father was used coercive control and she picked up a lot of his traits. So Mum & I got it from both of them.

It was all way too much for me, so I left my job, in a meltdown.

I hadn’t spoken to my sister in 5 years prior. I’ve done a lot of therapy so when we were forced into this situation I started to stand up for myself. She really didn’t like it when I started to call her out on her controls and manipulations. you know the ones - “you need to control your emotions”, “your being crazy” etc etc.

I picked my battles. I had to accept some things like her excessive spending of mum’s money, I called her on some of it a couple of times which slowed her a little but she still did things I don’t believe she should have.

Managing the whole situation was insane. I had support from one of mum’s friends who knew the whole situation and was able to help me a little with my sister and support me when things blow up.

When mum passed I went into process mode. Planned the funeral, managed her affairs. Things deteriorated with my sister as we both dealt with our grief differently. Her estate is all settled which was a whole different level of crap.

With mum’s passing I’ve decided to move away. I own my place so I’ve moved out to a rental to sell. I’m building a new house making decision based on best information. There is so much happening and I am largely getting through, especially when I can switch into process mode.

The emotions keep rolling, I have meltdowns at points, mostly in private sometimes not so private which I hate. I’m doing as much self care as I can between everything that has to be done.

I’m very proud of myself for what I am doing and managing it but I would just like to be able to do it without meltdowns. Without feeling the emotions so strongly. Without oversharing to random people.

I think I’m part burying my emotions and part processing them. I’ve simplified my life where I can. I did grief counselling which helped heaps. I’ve got a session with Sane counselling today.

Mum was the only person that stood by me my whole life, now she is gone, I’ve discovered these forums as my support so mostly I’m just posting to get it out.

[Asgard]

Hi @Josie72 

Firstly how are ye and secondly welcome to the forum.  I was smiling to myself when you said that you hate emotions, without emotions you wouldn't be human and human you are.  You have been through a lot, but as you say yourself that you are proud of the way that you getting through it all.  Am so glad to hear that you are looking after yourself and standing up for yourself.  Me thinks that this song is for you "I am Woman, hear me Roar".  Glad you are getting counselling aswell.

Just wanted to say that I hear you, am proud of you and all the very best.  🙂

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Josie72 

I don't blame you! That sounds like it's been a lot. A lot. I'm sorry for your loss. Those are all major stressors in life. And you've coped. You've arranged, organised, managed, overseen, considered, planned.. all logical, but your heart has taken a beating. Finding the balance between head and heart can be tough, especially when our parents may not model that. 

I can't say I've experienced what you're going through, but I can recognise someone who has demonstrated enormous skill and resilience to get through times like that. Hope you keep holding your head up, even if your heart is demanding to be heard. It's ok x

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Josie72 - I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! Losing somebody you have a close relationship with is especially difficult. I imagine it would be difficult to see your sister after such a long time but congrats on implementing some of the skills learned in therapy! I know emotions are hard but by the sounds of things you've done a really good job!

[Josie72]

Hi @Asgard 

Thanks. I’m good. I suppose I should say I hate the extremeness of my emotions. I like happy, I’m okay with sad. I suppose I’m good with the base level…. Just really hate it when it gets overwhelming and triggers behaviours I don’t like.

I love that sound - a friend bought me the single on CD many years ago as it was sort of our anthem for a while.

[Josie72]

Hi @8ppleTree 

Thanks 🥰

Mum passed on 12th July. I did grief counselling which got me through the worst of it. Having her estate settle helped end a lot. I now feel like I’m okay with it. It triggered all sorts of BPD, Depression, Anxiety base reactions that I had to work through… A whole lot of self-care!

[Josie72]

Hi @Jasper_123 

Thanks. It has truly been the most horrible thing I’ve been through in life, although I have grown and learnt through it all which I know mum would be proud. 

[tyme]

How are you doing today @Josie72 ? Thank you for sharing what's been going on for you. It sounds like things have been a little tumultuous. No wonder it's been difficult.

Please know we are here for you.

[Josie72]

Hey @tyme 

I’m good. Had my planning session with Sane today. I have a few worries but I’m over the biggest hurdles. Just taking each day as it comes

[tyme]

I'm glad you had your session today @Josie72 . It will allow you to consider what you goals are and what you are wanting to achieve, not just in the guided service, but in the long run. It may not 'fix' everything, but it's certainly a good start. 

Go easy on yourself.