Lived Experience Forum

[kelseaballerini]

Hi all. I’m having a hard time right now and feeling like I can’t comfortably reach out to anyone I trust about it right now. 

my relationship has had some serious issues for a long time and making it work is very important to me. I love him very much. 
we’re both experiencing some tough mental health issues and going through seperate personal life issues/changes. 
I know comparing isn’t helpful but realistically, my partners life changes are arguably more significant than mine and I feel really helpless in supporting him through it. 

anyways, our anniversary is coming up and I felt like it was a great time to just try and let go of everything and enjoy time with eachother/life for even just a few hours. 
we’ve discussed that celebrating on the actual date the anniversary is on won’t work because he has his weekly basketball that night and that is really important to him and maintaining that routine is also good for his mental health which I can definitely understand. 

regardless, I am really really hurting that the anniversary and us can’t be prioritised and In struggling to move past it. I’m trying really hard to just be understanding and accept it for what it is but I feel like I’m not enough and I just feel broken. I think I’m just so burnt out and this is just adding to the Amount of anxiety and sadness I’ve already been feeling when instead I just want to feel loved for a while. 

I don’t need or expect anything to actually change. I would just really appreciate some kind words and validation that my distress is ok and that I will move past it becuase I really feel like I’m spiralling. 

thank you for making it this far x

[BossBaby]

Your priorities are valid. Feeling "not enough" and "broken" - that nothing needs to change but you also want to move past the distress of it. Can we feel broken without distress? Or even grateful, as in, broken but not crushed? If nothing's going to change you might need some support to live according to your values whether or not others support you. Choice theory/ reality therapy might help here. My last relationship book was "Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words." When I realised communication was not going to be the way to resolve anything in that particular relationship. Now I see it everywhere. The premise of the book is connection over communication. Would communication or something more reliable and trustworthy like an unbreakable connection heal your distress? Where is your unbreakable connection? So far mine is in nothing that happens in everyday interactions; it is only in my dreams. Yet here we are on this forum doing our best to communicate, to encourage and support, because it has its place.

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @kelseaballerini . 

I'm hearing how upsetting things can be with this situation. 

Have you had a chance to speak to him so as to set up some clear boundaries and so that both sides are aware of each others' feelings?

[kelseaballerini]

Thank you for validating the dialectic there. That’s exactly what it is. 
You’re so right about the unbreakable connection. I think the fact that that has struggled makes the communication even harder. 
Thank you for the book recommendation I will definitely check it out 🙂 

[kelseaballerini]

Hey @tyme

yeah we have spoken about it but we end up fighting because I have such a hard time balancing my sadness while being empathetic at the same time. 

we do eventually work together to try and solve the issue which is a positive. 

I just wish I could be better at allowing myself to feel hurt and understanding at the same time. 

thank you for reaching out 🙂 

[tyme]

I'm glad to hear that you are eventually able to work it out @kelseaballerini 

It takes time and practice to be able to work with emotions with understanding. One thing I've learnt is that for me, when I'm emotional, don't try to 'fix' or 'sort' anything out. It doesn't go right because I'm in my emotional brain. 

I really hope it works out for you because I can see how much you love and care about him.

[kelseaballerini]

Thank you @tyme for all your kind words and support. 

yep! I either have to ‘fix’ it or have myself heard out until the cows come home because nothings making sense in my emotional brain too. 

thank you, me too, I do really love and care about him. Ah the trials of a BPD girly in a relationship

[tyme]

With BPD, it's 'strike when the iron's cold' 🙂 Hope that makes sense @kelseaballerini 

I've said things I've regretted in the past when I spoke through my emotional brain. It just wasn't worth it.

Have you had support in terms of therapy for BPD?

[kelseaballerini]

Sorry for the late reply! 

yes I completed a shortened version of DBT group and am still working with my individual therapist. I can definitely attribute DBT to much improved emotional regulation but which is good! But the interpersonal side of things…not so much. 

I have therapy this Saturday so am hoping to ask to tackle more of that going forward as it’s been primarily focused on anxiety and panic attacks for a while. 

I feel like there has to be a better way sometimes tho. Like a magical therapy I’m missing haha

[tyme]

With your DBT, did you have group therapy with it, or just individual. Group therapy as part of my MBT did magic for the interpersonal stuff  @kelseaballerini 

But it was hard as. There were people I couldn't stand in group... and that's what made the difference. I was made to stick it out with people I didn't like and learn to mentalise...

Just keep going 🙂