Lived Experience Forum

[Spiritwane]

It has been a tough 18 months since my mum (who was my best friend) passed. I've had to take the last 2 weeks off work, where it has really peaked. I've had bouts of depression/anxiety over the years but this is getting to me much worse. I started a new medication at the beginning of the year - I really don't think it is working, and I have been relying on other medication at times to feel okay. Whilst at the same time trying not to use it, as I know its use long term is not great. I also wonder if the use of it has affected my moods.

[edited by moderator] 

I'm finding myself in deep panic constantly, and really struggling to find joy in anything at the moment. 

My wife is wonderful, but I can feel it wearing on her. She has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I know she has her own struggles. Lots of friends have reached out as well - but I feel like a burden.

I feel lots guilt and shame for missing work - I work as a teacher, but I know I can't help others if I am not okay myself.

The whole feelings of hopelessness (bordering on suicidal thoughts) have scared the hell out of me and right now I'm struggling to see the light. I've been waking most mornings at about 3am in a panic. Some days I'll improve through the day, but again the next morning I'm down again.

I'm exercising and trying to get outside into the park a bit, as well as meditation etc. I'm just not seeing the light right now. 

I've been seeing a psychologist as well as my doctor regularly. I see the psychiatrist next week as well for a medication review. Just feeling pretty awful and scared right now, can't see the other side.

[tyme]

Hey @Spiritwane ,

I'm hearing you. It sounds like an incredibly trying time. 

I'm hearing that you are feeling so low at the moment and things have recently peaked. It sounds like a good idea to get a medication review and possibly even another opinion if you don't feel things are working for you. There are so many different medications out there so it's good to see the advice of a professional. 

I know for me, I tried over 10 different anti-depressants, mood stabilisers, anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety meds and PRN until I found what worked for me. Or rather, the combination and dosage that worked for me.

At the same time, the process of grief affects people differently, and there is no set timeframe for grief to be 'over'. Each person takes the time the need. Have you ever contacted Griefline? https://griefline.org.au/

They are specialised in supporting people through grief. They may be able to give you some clearer insight into what's been going for you.

I hear your mum was your best friend. Hold on to that. No one can remove that from your heart.

Please take care,

tyme

[McFluffy]

Good to hear from you, it does sound like an incredibly hard situation.

Greif and recovery are a difficult road to travel.  It can seem like it’s a never-ending road trip up a hill of challenges.  There is a point where the road becomes a little easier and may even start to decline.

It is great to hear you’ve taken steps to seek help trying to manage events and emotions.

Greif is hard, it is also about memories.  The stronger the memories, the more it can influence our grief.  It does sound like you have strong memories, close people are important, they play a huge role in our life’s journey.

Someone has mentioned grief services.  There a few to choose from, and I would encourage you to have a little internet search at the options and consider if it might be rights for you. 

You did mention your wife, she sounds like a great person too.  It is very reasonable reaction to try and shield her from some external stresses.  Sometimes talking to a third person not personally known to you can be very liberating.  Being able to talk freely without worries of trying to shield other people can help release built up tension and bottled emotional restraint.  This has worked for me in the past, it might be something good for you too.  I prefer the talking bits, writing for me can be clumsy.   

I would like to say your reactions, emotions and concerns seem very reasonable.  These reactions are valid and show you care.  I was grew up with people who would tell me it is okay to feel bad and cry.  Crying is remembering, remembering is honouring the person. 

Keep well, and maybe think about talking to a trained stranger on one of the phone services.  Sharing without other people’s baggage is good. @Spiritwane

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Spiritwane , 

I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum. Grief is such a personal and harrowing experience. When I lost my Grandmother I found it helpful to my healing to share positive stories and memories about her. Would you like to do the same here?