Lived Experience Forum

[Jumpingcactus]

@bean I enjoy my time alone, but then I question why I like it so much and figured out I was just safer that way because I don’t have to act normal and pretend nothings wrong, it’s gets me exhausted. Then I get angry with myself because I want to be social and happy and content, but then I get in a social situation and can’t hold conversations or remember conversations because deep down I’m too worried about how I’m perceived or if I’m holding up the normal facade good enough. I don’t tend to open up to family or friends anymore, it’s not that they don’t care, it’s just that I feel nothing gets rid of the pain of depression and learnt over time it’s not worth it. Just get labeled as the one that didn’t think right, not rational so won’t bother with what she has to say type of mindset. Well that’s the impression I see anyway.

[bean]

@Jumpingcactus

I can absolutely relate to everything you wrote that I could have written it myself!

[Jumpingcactus]

@bean Hope your doing ok. I get a little relief knowing there is someone out there who can relate to what I’m trying to say. Nothing worse than talking to people who just don’t get it. The pain is real. It’s immobolizing. It goes far deeper than the thoughts we have. After years of battling depression it starts to eat you up medically. Suffering with memory loss, fatigue, high blood pressure, tension headaches, low metabolism, stomach pain, the lot. Normal everyday function destroying quality of life, then to sit back and suffer in silence we witness others around us appearing to be content, happy within themselves, confident, attuned to living life, and wish that was me. Giving up the fight is real, letting it get what it wants and sooner or later telling yourself to just accept the horrible existence. I always say to myself, my brain is sick, not wired properly, without a brain that works well what hope have I got, no medication can make it right. They say happiness is from within, so why is it so damn hard to get it? 

[Shaz51]

Hello @bean, @Jumpingcactus, @Bill16, @Vrpl, @outlander

[bean]

Hi @Shaz51

How is things in your part of the world?

[Shaz51]

hello @bean

how are you today my friend

Friday -- just finished work

getting my hair done tomorrow

[bean]

@Shaz51

I've been in a really dark place...

Hope your weekend went well & having your hair done was refreshing.