Lived Experience Forum

[Mara_S]

Struggling with everything at the moment. It is time to leave my husband. And I feel so embarrassed. These things are not really accepted in our culture. Add to that it is my second marriage and well.. this is hard 

But it's harder to stay. Years of being isolated due to workload - and now accused of being antisocial since I have no friends. 

Having to work to support to support myself and the kids with the majority of bills while he built up savings for a house. 

Accuses me if having accomplished nothing in my life because I don't have the same savings. Dumping all his invoicing and bookkeeping on me and belittling me if there was ever a mistake. Yet he does not have the mental capacity to comprehend this work even at a high level  Being accused of being lazy if I were to rest and invoices were not sent. I work long days and many days a week in my work too.  It's all about money with this guy. Never had a conversation with anyone in this home. Spends all the time being social on the phone because that's what leads to more work. Never remembers anything about any of us. Not even to ask how an important doctor's appointment went for the kids. Claims he can't remember things. Yet remembers his own rates, appointments. 

Even when I tell.hom.we had a specialist appointment, he doesn't ask how it went. Now that things are ending, he somehow remembers a comment someone made on my Facebook wall that was borderline rude years ago...  and I had deleted. He remembers this to tell me now that this is how people should treat me 

I need to write this all down and share it. For my sanity. So I don't forget in an hour or so when the storm calms for a bit. 

I've dealt with a family  that constantly lies. The mother doesn't even believe him and had no shame in saying so. Yet I am the bad one, who calls them out for it. Who is always heard on the phone being the mean one because they know how to trigger me and get a reaction.

The straw that broke the camels back? Two of them. MIL had been lying for years that she had cancer to blackmail in visiting her so she can see her grandkids. 3 cancer incidents. The last one turned out to be a real one.  How can I be the only one who sees through the lies all these years. I am accused of being disrespectful for wanting to keep my distance as I don't like the constant lies. A heart attack here (that was actually just a dizzy spell), a cancer there (was only a colonoscopy to identify potential low iron issues). The lies. 

I don't expect you to read through all this drama. But needed to put it out there. To hold myself accountable for my next actions. I've delayed for so long. I have had health issues that did and .at in the future affect my ability to work enough to support the kids. 

The threats and warnings that I will get nothing mean nothing to me. I've done this before and can get through it again. Hopefully . It has to. My 2 younger kids are neurodiverse and deserve a happier home environment. 

[Doog]

• Leaving is hard. Staying can be harder. I know what you mean when you say embarrassed. Our children deserve the best we can give them. And as for not contributing. That really stings and so untrue. Stay strong, as hard as that is @Mara_S 

[RoseGeranium]

That sounds really hard and messy @Mara_S .

If you really believe that 'My 2 younger kids are neurodiverse and deserve a happier home environment' then that sounds like a great reason to end things and not have to feel shame or embarassment about.  You just need to take care of yourself from someone who's become such a self-involved partner.  Their belittling comments are a worry too and it sounds like you could set up a much more peaceful life for yourself without them - perhaps that's an oversimplification, it just doesn't sound healthy.

Much love, Rose.

[Asgard]

Hi @Mara_S 

Read your post and my heart goes out to ye.  You are going through a very tough time, just wondering if you have any family or friends that you can talk to, as you cant keep all that  bottled up inside of you.  Regarding what to do, have you reached out to anyone as yet.

In terms of long term, you should listen to yourself, as you are the expert of your own life.  You will know what to do.  Thinking of you. 🙂

[Mara_S]

As hard as it was to write this, it has helped keep me focused on planning for the future. Sometimes a couple of days of calm get you second guessing yourself. And sometimes these days turn into years of no action. 

I don't really have any friends I want to share this with, I have been quite isolated trying to juggle everyone's needs and have had to work from home freelancing for a long time which is even more isolating. 

I have made the difficult decision to reach out to my GP for help and am looking into getting some telehealth appointments to help with my mental health.  Last time I tried this my then GP had dismissed my request for help about constant crying saying, how I feel was normal and his was wife was a little crazy after giving birth too. Not much help for someone with a newborn and I had been reluctant to try again. I am hopeful that my current GP is more understanding.

Thanks to all for your support. 

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Mara_S , 

Good on you for finally taking that step to start a happier life and to help your children be treated how they deserve to be! Divorce is challenging but as you said, you've already been through it and know you can do it again. You are a hard worker, intelligent and caring. 

[Pandorasbox01]

Please seek legal advice, don’t leave with nothing, be smart, take copies of financials, bank statement, super etc. you are entitled and have worked hard all your life. I have seen many women leave with nothing then have to pay lawyers to get copies of financial documents etc. this husband doesn’t sound very nice at all. So be smart.

[tyme]

Thanks for sharing @Pandorasbox01 . It sounds like @Mara_S may have some good takeaways from your post. 

Hope you are travelling well. Looking forward to seeing you around on the forums!

[tyme]

How are you @Mara_S ? How is everything going?

Are there things you can put in place to support your own health and wellbeing?