Lived Experience Forum

[illuminate]

Hi All

This is my very first post. What a great resource!

I have complex MH issues. I have borderline personality issues, trauma, anxiety and depression. My latest relationship of 4 1/2 years ended in 2022. 
I tried to stay friends with my ex but I haven’t been able to. My feelings for him and wanting us to work were misguided. I feel like such a failure because of this. I feel that it’s all my fault and that I’m just too broken. As a result I have isolated myself from everyone. The relationship that broke down wasn’t healthy, he has complex issues too but he wouldn’t talk to me or anyone. He actually said ‘my feelings are my problem’ and refused couples counselling. I feel like I’m to blame for everything and feeling very isolated and lonely. 

How do I move forward? I honestly feel like others are better off without me in their lives.

Thank you for reading.

[PizzaMondo]

Hello @illuminate and welcome to the SANE Forums! I am so glad you found us here and have found the energy to also make a post and connect with the SANE community 🙂

To me, it sounds like you have been hurting and that your feelings in your ex relationship were not validated, seen or heard. I hear you though, and I can understand the feelings around wanting to isolate yourself after an event such as this. It feels confusing, and we can often be upset at ourselves and try to think back on every little thing said or done... But know that you are not alone, your feelings are valid, and I hope that this forum space allows you to feel more comfortable in expressing them, connecting with others and connection to self.

What does @illuminate need today? I am curious if you have asked yourself this today..

Warmest,
PizzaMondo 🙂

[illuminate]

Thank you for your reply.

I feel like I really need some professional help.

Im coming off medications and started new ones 10 days or so ago. I feel quite physically sick, and the sleeping meds I’ve been given gave me nightmares so mentally I’m feeling pretty ordinary.

I’m waiting on a hospital admission. I have very little hope for the future. I have great difficulty self soothing despite trying. My intrusive thoughts are so constant and I’m exhausted. I do hope hospital might help but the more hospitalisations I have the more I feel like giving up because they’re often traumatising in themselves.

I’m feeling very stuck.

[SkySeeker22]

@illuminate 

Welcome to the SANE Forums and well done on making your first post.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot at the moment.  I appreciate the courage and strength it would have taken for you to write this.  I hope that knowing that there are people on the forums that read your posts and respond will help you feeling less alone and isolated.

You mentioned that the relationship wasn't healthy.  It takes a lot of reflection and self-awareness to recognise that when you were so involved and committed.

Similar to what @PizzaMondo mentioned - can you ask yourself what is something healthy that you can do for yourself right now that your body and/or mind would thank you for?

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

[PizzaMondo]

Hi @illuminate

I think it's great you can ask yourself that and find an answer to it too. I'm wondering if you have ever used our SANE Support Line before? It's open from 10am-8pm AEDT Monday to Friday and you can call up and talk to one of our counsellor today. Do you think you might like to do that so you can express your thoughts and have someone listen in real time? I'll pop the number here for you if you do think that might be helpful today: 1800 187 263 🙂

I am aware that many of us can experience nightmares and change in mood/meh feelings when changing over from one medication to another. I do hope that in time the new ones settle in and your nightmares quieten.

Tell me, when you're stuck, what have you found helpful before? How do you get unstuck?

[illuminate]

Thank you. I’m struggling with privacy atm as I’m staying with family to help keep me safe. I can’t call atm but it’s a great help to know that it’s available. I’ve contacted the suicide call back service and lifeline in the past but I haven’t really found it helpful. I’ll keep this in mind.

[PizzaMondo]

Oh, of course, privacy is important @illuminate - in your own time. You have the community online here too, I encourage you to check out some other posts and connect with others through similar/shared lived experience if you have the spoons for it today 🙂

The support line is a time-limited call, but if and when you have some more privacy, you could check out our ongoing support too with counsellors or peer workers (such as myself!) It's the Guided Service 14-week program - you can get 6 sessions free (1 every fortnight) - https://www.sane.org/referral

Have you ever experienced personal therapy for yourself?

[Rylee13]

Hi,

It sounds like you are facing some incredibly hard moments right now and have a lot of pain not only from the breakup, but from others who have let you down. It can feel very overwhelming but I hope you know you are not alone. I have learned the very hard way that no matter how deeply I love and share my heart, I can’t change those who won’t change themselves…thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences. You matter- and are worth loving and to be cherished and accepted for the unique and valuable person that you are. A person once said to me when I was in an overwhelming dark place that “there is a crack in everything… that’s how the light gets in.”  I had to sit with the pain and practice radical acceptance that I did my very best and that was always good enough. I hope today you can know that you are and always have been enough and that you truly matter. There is only one of you in this universe and you deserve to be loved and to belong. Learning to love myself was and still is the hardest journey I have had to take after my marriage of ten years fell apart. Moving forward for me meant taking the time to let go, and learn to love me. Because we are good enough, and we are worth that time and love. Thinking of you in this time.

[PizzaMondo]

Thank you for sharing this @Rylee13 - it is really beautiful and warming 🙂

[illuminate]

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. All my self soothing techniques are failing atm. I have been trying though. Keeping my mind and hands busy helps. I’ve been doing some origami, walks with my dog and a few word puzzles. I’ve found a few helpful apps for my phone. Amazing how many new ones I’ve found. I haven’t checked for a few years, there are some great ones out there.
I’m heading to hospital in a few days. Anxious about it but also hopeful.