Lived Experience Forum

[Upndown]

You know how you get those early warning signs that you're not ok? I'm in that space at the moment.

One of my early warning signs is I start getting distressed or start ruminating on my dreams. My dreams are very realistic in content and graphics to the point I sometimes wake up and believe what happened in the dream happened in reality until something in reality proves me wrong and then I realise it didn't actually happen. 

I also start getting fidgety/panicky and noticing things on reflection afterwards that were triggering this panic that normally wouldn't. This has picked up recently. 

My other early warning sign is I also get intrusive, quite excentric, self harm thoughts - I have no plan or intent, they just randomly pop up as images in my mind at points throughout the day. When I'm well I can laugh at these as the riddiculous thoughts they are. And medication has helped make these less emotionally distessing, but recently I've noticed the distress coming back and them increasing in frequency.

I'm not 100% sure what's wrong. Life is objectively and subjectively amazing atm? So I don't know what's going on. 

What I do know is I'm exhausted. I'm sleeping a lot because the dreams leave me emotionally and mentally drained and therefore more tired. The intrusive thoughts are wearing me down to the point Im crying when Im alone because Im just exhausted. The random panic/overwhelm is starting to make me anxious about having random panic (I'm trying to break that cycle). 

I'm exercising daily. I'm going outside daily. I'm talking to friends. I just took a break from work for a few days mental health holiday with the kids. I'm seeing my psychologist. I am doing all the things I'm supposed to. I'm just so bloody tired of telling myself that I "just need to be ok until X day" because at the moment I know if I let myself stop I'm going to get worse. 

I'm worse when I dont have routine or work or something to occupy the time as I then have time alone with my thoughts and I'll spend hours in bed crying or ruminating whilst watching TV and then I hit a depressive bout and I can feel it sitting there waiting for me to crash. 

I'm a single parent. I can't crash on my kids again and do that to them again. But I'm soooo tired and I'm running on fumes because my head won't let up. And I can't take any more time off work as I'm out of paid leave. 

Ive done all the things in my safety plan. I dont know what else to do. I just want the dreams and thoughts to stop and leave me alone or just back off a heap. 

I have a psychoatrist appt in 5months, and so short of speaking to my GP about upping my meds again  [I want to avoid that due to the side effects], I'd love some suggestions from others who have CPTSD or similar experiences. 

Because I'm about ready to tap out, quit my job, drop the kids with my mum, and spend the next 18months in bed crying because I'm nearly at the point of I can't keep functioning anymore. 

Any suggestions greatly appreciated. 

[MermaidHair]

Hey @Upndown welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you know your signs well and you know something is heading in the wrong direction, you're doing everything right yet things still seem to be declining.

I can relate a lot to the experience you have of your dreams being really vivid and realistic and completely draining you. I experience the same thing when I'm not doing well, I wonder if that's a CPTSD thing? 

You mentioned you're a single parent and you don't want to crash and put your kids through that. I get that, I'm a single parent too and I have felt the same way, it's a massive weight on our shoulders and we feel such guilt for our own struggles and whatever affect they could have on our kids. 

Being a single mum and working is a massive feat, you probably don't feel like it right now but you're amazing 🤩

You mentioned your mum, does she help with the kids? Do you have much other practical help and support? 

You said you're doing everything right as far as a mental health checklist like going outside, friends, exercise, rest, routine etc but are you taking care of you, you? Your hobbies and interests, like what really lights up your soul and fills your cup? 

For me it's music, the beach, writing, reading, cooking new foods.. Everyone is different but when I'm really struggling I have to nurture and indulge myself a bit, that said it can be hard to do when you already have so much on your plate.  

[Upndown]

Hi @MermaidHair 

Thanks for replying. No, I just have mum for practical support unless it's an emergency. 

For taking care of me, I've read a book, I'm always listening to music, we just came home from the beach, I see friends weekly, I go to karaoke and out dancing when I can. I'm sleeping well (usually 7-8hrs a night solid sleep). I've bought myself some new bits and bobs. 

I'm doing all the things and life is actually really good...

And yet, my brain isn't being kind and I just want it to stop with the violent intrusive thoughts and nightmares and just give me a break. 

I'm tired and just frustrated that life is finally really good and my brain just won't leave me alone and that I have to constantly distract myself from myself. I'm tired of it and I'm running out of tolerance. 

What do you do when you're worn down and your heads not kind aside from constant distraction? 

[Jasper_123]

Hey @Upndown it sounds like you have a really good grasp on what your mental health looks like and how to manage your mental health. As a person with complex mental health I know that frustration / exhaustion you get when you're doing everything we're told to do and yet still struggling! 

What techniques does you psych use with you? Do you think these are beneficial? 
Could you ask your mum about taking the chilldren for a night (maybe once a week or fortnight) or would any of your friends be able to help? It sounds like you have heaps of enjoyable things to do but maybe upping medication to get you through this patch would be worth it? 

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Upndown,

Fellow cptsd buddy here! I wish I had the golden answers. I bet you're doing amazing and not letting others know, because you're so good at surviving? 

Crying, guilt, ruminating, dreams.. all illogical and life's good so I 'should'.. Well, too bad. You're a legend for just being you 😄 You can do it right and still not feel right. It's part of the disregulation. 

What do I do? I tell myself that there are answers around the corner, and maybe I'm doing it just right, that there couldn't be a better way than right now. That it's ok, I'm allowed to feel like lump, and expectations can 'lump off' lol. 

Resetting my nervous system by getting up early and swimming at the beach (couldn't handle all the ppl at the pool) or meditating/yoga/gratitude ritual in the morning. Calms the system back down after a week or so. Just needed a structure for the ritual, so I didn't ruminate, ie guided imagery or an intention.

Have you asked for extra support from your network? Little things, like a creche day, or an hour's house-work help, or a community check in somewhere?

[MermaidHair]

Hey @Upndown how are you doing this week? Sorry I've not got back to you sooner, it's been a crazy past week here with my youngest starting school and so much going on, as you know it never ends. How old are your kids?

I'm really glad to hear that you are doing all of these things to fill your own cup, it seems like you are so onto it. I hear you, it sounds like you are doing really well but still your brain is refusing to play ball, I understand that must feel disheartening.

As far as nightmares for me I've found it helpful to journal or write things down before bed It's not fool proof but I have noticed on the nights I do this I am less likely to be plagued by bad dreams, it could be worth a shot?

I don't have much else in the way of advice for now but will be here if you want to chat