Lived Experience Forum

[Acanthiza]

I wrote a whole crazy thing out in the my story section but it wouldn't let me post it for some reason. Which is certainly for the best! Anyway I am running out of steam again, it is always frustrating feeling a lot of despair again. Feel like a liar telling people how well I am doing and then almost instantly switching to really struggling. I am sure the medication I am on now is working but I don't now if it can do anything for just complete despair and alienation.

Well I have to go back to work later in the week and I guess I am wondering how other people cope when they are just completely over it. Oh yeah for context I have nasty anxiety (used to be worse, or rather I learned how to deal with it better, I wouldn't be on this forum otherwise!) and have been recently diagnosed with bipolar (somehow I thought it was just depression, partially because I didn't know mixed episodes / rapid cycling / bipolar 2 in general was a thing. Thanks psychologist who said the first two weren't possible!)

I can't talk to family about it because it would just distress them, and don't feel like burdening friends so I guess I am burdening strangers on the internet : /
I know that is what these forums are at least partially for but it is hard to shake the habit of not talking to people and being sorry all the time! So sorry for this post and also sorry for being sorry and so on and etc...
sorry for being annoying, ahhhh!

[tyme]

Hey @Acanthiza ,

Thanks for sharing!

I think there are a lot of people returning to work as kids go back to school.

I hear it's like dragging your feet back. Sometimes, I don't think people know how much energy it takes to mask. 

At least you feel medication is working. At least that's one thing that's working.

I wonder if talking to people here on the forums (who have most likely been through their own MH experiences), will help you feel less alone? In the past, these forums were a pressure-release valve for me. By sharing, I felt I could just 'get it out'.

Once again, good on you for posting.  I hope to hear from you soon.

[Acanthiza]

Thanks for responding @tyme,

I don't have any kids, actually I've never been in a relationship ;-;
I've been working through the "holidays", no break for me! Though I barely work, just a few days a week and not long hours. But still too much for me apparently!

I do disability support so trying to stay stable and relatively cheerful to lift someone else's mood can be tough. Well I will keep moseying on and try not to quit yet another job.

[Captain24]

Hi @Acanthiza 

I have anxiety and bipolar 2 as well. 

I don’t think I can be much help but I too, am completely over it all. Also I’m sick of saying ‘I’m fine’ when I’m totally not but I’m not able to talk to family or friends. Thats why the forums are good. Everyone has had different experiences but we are all here for each other.  

I just push myself to go to work. I find it’s a distraction and it helps me to get out of the house. When I’m not working I basically only leave the house for appointments. 

Anyway…. Welcome to the forums. 

[Acanthiza]

Thanks @Captain24 it is all tuff stuff. I think this time is hitting pretty hard because I was pumped about getting a diagnosis and getting over my anxiety about medication. You would think I would learn! There are no easy solutions.

Working is tied so much to your perceived worth it is really rough. Getting told I am lazy, that I am not meeting my potential, seeing people judging me when I'm out of work. It would be great if I could function well! Nowadays I just think about how they would cope if they went through what I have.

I have a tendency to ramble, you are right that work gets you out of the house which is good, but I just wish it wasn't so draining. I feel like all my energy is going into it even though I barely work at all.

Alright I said work too many times and said my piece. I'm sure I will complain about something else shortly! In the meantime I will watch my cat gently sleeping and the insects swarming outside.

[Captain24]

Hey @Acanthiza 

I had to laugh about the medication being an easy fix… I thought it would put me on a better path quickly. Ooohh…how wrong was I! 

I hate the not meeting potential. I have a review at work and their sole focus was them working on my MH so I can ‘meet my full potential’  I work in a coal mine. I don’t know what they think they can do, with no training, that my treating team can’t do! 

Feel free to ramble. 

I hope you are enjoying watching the cat and insects. I felt a sense of calm when I read that. I have a 4 year old dog and a 14 week old pup. There is no calm! 

[Acanthiza]

Hey @Captain24
A coal mine! Tough work. I had a bit of a squiz at your thread here and it sounds like you are having a tough time also. Night shifts? I don't think I could handle that at all. I've worked doing farm work and construction and in both there was a lot of ra ra masculinity stuff, not the best place to have a mental illness!

Yeah the cats are great, very peaceful animals. Apparently they go wild at night but I don't sleep in the house (I sleep in a shed lol) so it doesn't bother me. Love dogs as well but haven't had any since I left school when my parents split up and my dog I had since I was 5 got put down. Suffice to say it was not the best time for me.

Puppies are a lot but they are also so much fun, all sharp teeth, soft fur and aromatic paws

[Captain24]

Hey @Acanthiza 

Nah it’s not tough work at all. I just drive the trucks. It’s just the shift work that messes with you but you do kinda get use to it. 

Yeah things are really bad right now but my team are on it and keeping a really close eye on me and supporting me through it. 

Sleep in the shed?? 

Im not a cat person. I can see that being very traumatic for you. It’s hard enough to lose a pet but a family breakdown on top would be really tough. 

[Doog]

It sucks when nobody gets me and devalue my experiences. And when I don't have someone to share my troubles and wins with because I think everyone has had enough of me. And it just gets too much and I want to give up.
Then I have a good day and I wonder what the fuss was about and everything is good. Hang in there for the ride!

[Acanthiza]

@Captain24I'm glad you have some support. Yep I sleep in the shed lol, actually above the shed and it is quite nice, no plumbing though. Mum just sold the house though so a lot of uncertainty now which is not good for the anxiety!

Yeah I had a tough time coming out of highschool, got worse through uni and into the early twenties. Weird looking back at it through the lens of bipolar and seeing how much mania played a part. Mixed episodes are no joke! At least for me they were the worst experience of my life. I've come a long way and don't seem to get them anymore, though I've learned that you need to be ready for anything.