Lived Experience Forum

[undisclosed3628]

Hello,

I've been having a really bad few years, even in comparison to the my life long struggle with mental illness. Over the last few years I've been struggling against intense suicidal ideation. It stopped for a while over the last few months but has crept back into my life again slowly.

After getting out of hospital after a breakdown last year, I managed to get myself into a more stable situation. It wasn't easy, but I've done it.

I was diagnosed with ADHD roughly 6 months ago, after being diagnosed with GAD/Chronic Depression since being a teenager (I am late 20s-early 30s). Since that diagnosis I've slowly realised through discussions with my psychiatrist that I am also likely on the autism spectrum. As this is so new I'm yet to decide whether I want or need to pursue a formal ASD diagnosis.

It's been life-changing to learn both of these things, as I've been searching most of my life for answers that anxiety/depression just couldn't answer.

I've done as much independent research as I can, and I've been discussing this all with both my psychiatrist and psychologist. Also with close friends who I trust, and who have been a great support through this, and generally.

But I still feel so alone and confused. I don't understand what it all means, and I feel so overwhelmed with trying to comprehend it all. But I guess it has been helpful, if not incredibly painful.

When I stop and try and think about it I can't help but spiral out. I don't know where to turn to help me understand how these two 'conditions' interact, and it's so difficult to find lived experiences online, as they're generally relating to one or the other, rather than for a dual-diagnosis.

It's retriggering my sucidial ideation, and I am really struggling this evening. I have no intention or desire, but it's really painful and persistent.

I also have addiction issues that pool into all of this, but thankfully are currently under control and has been since I left hospital.

I am sharing this on here because I can't really stand the thought of trying to talk to someone on a helpline, because I know I won't find the answers I'm looking for there. But I also don't really have anywhere else to turn right now, and I guess I just needed to share some of this.

I've already burnt out of most of my close friends on the subject today, and just can't deal with doing that anymore.

And I feel almost physically sick about returning to that horrible situation of feeling like this all the time, last few months I've come back to it maybe once or twice a week, but it has not been as deep or heavy as it had been for the previous 18 months or so.

I guess I'm really just posting to see if anyone can share any experiences or resources that might help me now, or more broadly. I am connected with services, and I am medicated. I've attempted so many types of therapies and medications, and it always just ends up back here.

Thanks for reading, if you have. I don't know if I've broken any guidelines or rules in this post, hopefully not.

[Jynx]

Hey @undisclosed3628 ,welcome to the forums. I'm Jynx, one of the moderators. Glad you've found this community, because you definitely don't deserve to go through this alone. 

I was diagnosed with ADHD several years ago, and have self-diagnosed ASD (but never formally pursued diagnosis). It can be A LOT. But learning more about my diagnoses and how my mind works has allowed me to practice a lot more self-acceptance; I had a very similar experience to you where I was diagnosed with GAD/depression and it just... never fit. Now I see where so many of my 'weaknesses' or 'neuroses' were just unchecked ADHD symptoms. 

I also have a lot of friends with the dual diagnosis, and know the importance of being able to talk to others with lived-experience. Sometimes, when I meet somoeone and they say 'I have ADHD or ASD' I feel like this great big internal sigh of relief - because I won't have to mask, I can just let my freak flag fly, so to speak. 

I've been meaning to start a big neurodiversity megathread (but in true ADHD fashion have procrastinated it constantly... hehe woops) so when I do get around to it I'll tag you in. 

Also, I recommend giving the SANE Helpline a call - I know you feel hesitant about calling helplines, but I do believe there's a few folks there who also have ADHD, and if not they are still such an incredibly compassionate bunch of counsellors that it might still be very worth a phone call or two (because you never know who you will get on the other end!). 

In the meantime, if there's anything you want to talk about in regards to ADHD, feel free to tag me by typing the @ symbol then my name and choose from the drop down list. I'm not on the forums every day but will try to get back to you when I can. And if I don't just tag me again because I might just forget. Ach such is the life of the ADHDer! 

As for resources, some of the stuff I have found invaluable:

How to ADHD - Youtube Channel

ADHD Manual - The three Pillars of ADHD (A non-DSM approach to what it's like to experience ADHD)

Part 1 - Interest-based nervous system

Part 2 - Emotional Hyper-arousal

Part 3 - Rejection-sensitive Dysphoria

ADDitude Mag - online blog/comprehensive resource for all things ADHD

Unfortunately I have very little for ASD as it's still new territory for me, but I will ask some friends and see what I can rustle up. 

Anyway, WELCOME!

It's a really lovely bunch here, I hope you find what you're looking for 

[undisclosed3628]

Thank you for the welcome @Jynx and thank you for sharing your experience, and also those resources. I'm going to have a look a them when I'm feeling a bit more together.

I have one friend who's going through a similar experience as me, and it's been a really nice being able to bond over that, and also connect some of the dots in our friendship.

It's such a relief when you're able to just be yourself, and feel certain you'll be understood on those terms. I hope at least by learning more I can find connections with others who have gone through a similar process. It's very grounding for me to hear other people's stories of finding this stuff out as an adult.

Thank you again for sharing that, I appreciate it 🙂

[Jynx]

@undisclosed3628  you are very welcome. It can be an absolute whirlwind at first, that's for sure. I think it's okay to have...I almost wanna call it like a grieving period? Take it step by step, one day at a time. 

[Gwynn]

My best friend has a similar nexus of diagnoses. I think I recall her saying that it's not uncommon for ADHD and anxiety to co-occur with autism. You're not alone.

You might like to look into autistic culture or the autism rights movement. Make sure that any autism support groups you find online are for autistic people, not support groups for parents of autistic people. Apparently the ones for parents can be a bit infantilising and dodgy.

I know it's tempting to go down a research rabbit hole - after all, knowledge is power, right? It can feel like knowing everything there is to know about your diagnosis gives you a measure of control over it. I would urge you to turn that impulse into a drive to know and love yourself.

I would suggest that you think about the ways that you are more than your diagnoses. Write it down - for some reason, writing things down physically makes more of an impact in our brains than typing a thing out.

Hopefully something in my little ramble has sparked something for you, @undisclosed3628. Hit me up by using the @ sign against my name if you want to chat more.

[Kermit]

Hi there @undisclosed3628 

Having one diagnosis on its own is pretty full on but when you've multiple things occuring it can be particularly overwhelming and really difficult to work out "what is what" .

I don't have ADHD but I received a formal autism diagnosis long after my initial bipolar disorder diagnosis and I had a range of strong emotions while trying to come to terms with both of them (more the autism). This was probably made worse by my autisic tendency to want things clearly sorted out.

The formal autism diagnosis has helped me to obtain reasonable adjustments for work and uni but was really expensive and took ages to get an appointment with a suitable psychologist after my psychiatrist suggested I was autistic. Lots of people in the autism community identify as self-diagnosed and I think it's a personal pros and cons situation for each individual.

Not sure if you've seen this but Amaze is a helpful organisation with autism resources, a phone line and a chat line and they also do autism advocacy work. The website is https://www.amaze.org.au