Lived Experience Forum

[Sans911]

So my mother is now playing stupid, petty childish games because I upset her perfect balance the other week. She is back in her/my home city in the West, and is staying with my neice, whom I have (had?) a close relationship with. She hasn't rung me since that argument, nor even today on her arrival. Yes, I know there is still time to call as the evening is early yet, but I somehow doubt she will. She normally stays with me so I know by her not doing that she is pissed off with me. If she wants to play like this she will loose more than she bargained for. She will loose me forever. So triggered and upset right now. Feel like doing some major damage to myself to say fk you. I have tried so damn hard to keep her in my life. I have walked on eggshells and kept my peace even when I haven't agreed with her. We have shared some lovely moments and memories together that much is true. But there have been big blow ups and bust ups. She lacks so much understanding of me, and to be honest, I don't know if she wants to. She completely misunderstands my MI, asked me why I had depression so long. So over this shite life sometimes. Leaving this life isn't hard to do, no more having to please people. And then she would be sorry. I kept living because I knew how devasted she would be. Now I don't know if I really if I care about that at all if she doesn't doesn't give a toss about me.

Rant over

[Eucalypt]

Hey @Sans911

We all benefit from getting things off our chest sometimes. I hear that you're struggling in your relationship with your mum this evening and that you are feeling triggered. I am going to send you an email to check in with you. Take care.

[NatalieS]

Most times I think I'm over the panic and anxiety but yesterday felt like I'd failed.  Thought I'd spend a few hours at a craft group at the church I went to the other week.  Feeling brave, I took along a small needlework project-a beginner's kit from Big W-and headed off.  Peeked into the room where the group was to meet and everything was set up for 30-35 people.  My heart was racing and I had trouble slowing my breathing.  I back-peddled and retreated to the coffee shop until I calmed down.  And I couldn't get out of the church fast enough.  I felt such a failure.  The thought of being in a group of that many people totally flipped me out!  Maybe I'll try again another week....

[Former-Member]

You know you are failing at life when even one of your alters thinks that f**kup and that they should be in charge

[eudemonism]

Feel free to tag myself in any other threads which you think will be appropriate for my written concerns. 

Managing my day too day life ain't easy, especially when I've also got mental issues to deal with aswell. Although I feel I'm making progress, life is still full of highs and lows. I'm finding that I have no choice, except persevering and always pushing forward, too the next goal. My attitude determines an awful lot about the end result of each day, however I must stress, that it literally feels like I'm walking a tight rope, and I'm always needing to keep my balance, or face the peril of below. 

Relationships are the foundation of my sanity these days... And unfortunately, other people are the source of a lot of resentment I'm faced with... 

[Sans911]

I HATE how this illness I have makes me feel. I hate how it labels me with names other find uncomfortable. I hate that it robs me of motivation and energy, yet wakes me during the night and early morning. I despise how it leaves me low and raw of emotion at times so the tears come unannounced at any time. I hate how it robs me of my ability to work and it costs me so many opportunities. I hate how it robs my appetite one day, then makes me over hungry the next. I hate how it makes me hate myself, making me not care about how I feel about me, my appearance or what I wear. I hate how it robs my memories and concentration. I hate how it makes me feel so worthless and hopeless living feels futile and wasteful. I HATE THIS FKING MENTAL ILLNESS!!!

[NatalieS]

Sometimes I just want to shut myself off from the real world.  I don't feel like I belong or fit in anywhere.  If I confide in anyone about my high anxiety or depression, people don't want to know and just drift away.  I just don't understand people...I can relate on a trivial level but panic if talk is about revealing one's self.  I've had a number of panic attacks over the past few weeks and beat myself up about them because some people don't know or understand how difficult it is to try and stay on top of them.  One step forward but two steps back...and I thought I was getting on top of things.....

[Adge]

I vomited during my psychology appointment this morning - hard to deal with.

First I felt hot & flushed, then nauseous.

My psych thought it was a panic attack.

I was feeling ill when I drove to the appointment - 3 hours later I'm still feeling nauseous & really weak (especially after vomiting), & I'm really aching in my arms.

I'm sure it's a virus - psych assured me that the symptoms of a panic attack only last for a few minutes.

Adge

[CheerBear]

I am starting counselling with a service I've tried to use before and not been able to see through beyond the first session. I need to try again as there's a lot riding on me being able to better manage facing things that happened so I can protect in a way that I haven't been able to. I've been feeling like a sitting duck and I need to fix that. This could really help to get where and what I need, but to have a chance at fixing it I feel like I have to tolerate something I have found to be completely intolerable.

Overnight I had nightmares that were the kind I haven't had for a while and I think they visited me just at the thought of trying this. I was fine when I went to bed. I wasn't thinking about this at all, though subconscious clearly was. To have had the night I had is so annoying. It's like a reminder that for all the "fine" I am, I'm not really fine. I'm fine in my bubble but if I take even a tiny step out of it in the wrong direction, or I feel the slightest pressure on it that is beyond what I can manage, it feels like it will explode. A hint of something I didn't see coming or can't control, or a touch on a reminder or a memory in the wrong way or at the wrong time, has me feeling like my entire world could come tumbling down. In a way I know it won't and I know if the bubble pops I can patch it back up, I always do, but fear stands in my way with everything and fear that it will all explode or crash or crumble is one of those things.

This will be an exercise in trust and I struggle with that. It's an issue that seems to be getting worse with experience which annoys me also. Gut feeling says this will be OK and I am trying to trust that, but I am worried that I am not feeling very 'got this' this morning.

[Snowie]

I am so angry, frustrated and upset with myself. For the last 3 weeks I have told my son I will watch him swimming, but for the last 3 weeks I just haven't had the energy to watch him. He is so good and just says 'it's ok mum'. I feel like such a bad mother that I can't even do one thing for him. I am so angry and frustrated what my mental illness does to me and how much it effects my children. Sometimes I just think they would be better of without me. I hate the thoughts I have and how painful this is sometimes. With tears rolling down my face I will put myself to bed to have this crap day over as quickly as possible.