Lived Experience Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Nay69 .... 🖐

It has been a good day.

I hope your daughter is successful .... and yes, she is brave 😊 .... and you a proud Mum .... 💗

[Nay69]

@Faith-and-Hope

So proud 😊❤️

[Former-Member]

@Nay69

Love & HUGS!

Bella XO  🙂  

[Nay69]

I love your pictures @Former-Member
Just woke up in a panic attack. I hate this feeling ❤️💐

[Nay69]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

I think she did okay but I will keep everything crossed :ok_hand:
Having a major panic attack right now... mr went off at me for the kitchen sink being blocked...he waited all this time to tell me and I have cooked dinner 😔so disappointed but what do you do... it’s his mi

[Faith-and-Hope]

Oh @Nay69, I am sorry to hear that.  What dealing with our son’s specialists showed me was that they were not afraid to push back against my hubby’s mi when they were dealing with us, but they did so politely and firmly ..... well, as politely as you can while telling someone that their attitude sucks ..... 

My mr’s temper was in a not-good place at the time because he was driven by anneed to control everyone and everything, and was freaked out about time control because he had no contingency in the day for anything not going to clockwork, according to how he wanted things to be ..... but under the shield of the specialist appointments, I began to speak out again at home, not in a directly confrontational way, because that would only trigger him to not listening.  I would just say something like, “I understand that you are upset that the sink is blocked.  I am too.  If you haven’t got time to see to it, I will have a look and see what I can do, after ai have finished stacking the dishes and clearing the table .... “, quite briskly and matter-of-factly, with no eye contact.  It’s treating him like a child, because he has regressed to child-like temper tantrums to try to manage his altered world, so I was matching my response to his behaviour level, and using behaviour-modification techniques that we do as parents.

I am not with you to understand the full complexity of your situation, and I don’t know your husband well enough to know whether this would work for you, but sometimes hearing somebody else’s response can help you find your own, particularly if you have started becoming conditioned by abusive behaviour.  

There are ways to calmly and firmly stand your ground with dignity, and what it is is picking up the boundaries and putting them back in place.  These are things you can try, and see if they work.  It is important to be persistent.  Keep laying out the boundaries.

My hubby has withdrawn emotionally from me because he doesn’t like the boundaries ...... but that is his mi.  I can’t do anything about that part ..... 

[Nay69]

@Faith-and-Hope

It makes sense when you put it like that.
I will give it a go
Thanks my beautiful friend ❤️💐

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Nay69 .... 💐💕

The abuse is designed to make you feel helpless, as though you don’t have any choices and are bound to, or trapped by, your situation ..... usually you will have been led to that state of thinking without realising it, and you give up trying to challenge it.  It can really help to hear others tell their story, and you realise you have been conditioned to walk on eggshells around the controlling person.

I am so glad you have the DVO .... you obviously needed it.

This is a really simplistic explanation, and there are many reasons why these vortexes develop.  I have a fairly good understanding now about how ours came about, I believe, and I have sought help to have counsellors check my thinking to make sure, as best I can, that what I am thinking, feeling, seeing does make sense.  This is important, because it can be really hard to see and think clearly under the oppression that comes with an mi.

It is vitally important to take the best care of yourself that you can, because it can be a long and difficult road, and you need to be as well as you can be, and as happy as you can be.  You matter.  Take care of you .....

I hope you have a good day.

💜