Lived Experience Forum

[Jlol]

F**k life!

I've posted here a lot about my struggles about getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Well, the justice system - which one would thing would at least attempt to be fair - has screwed me too.

I left my psychologically abusive partner 6 months ago, on the pressing of a trauma psychologist. For the record, we are not married, have no children, shared housework evenly, and are on just about the same incomes (actually, she earns a tiny bit more than me, but whatever). 

Since then, I have been couch surfing. I've still paid my share of the mortgage and bills because that's what I signed up for and I feel obligated to honour that. However, that has meant I have not been able to afford to rent anywhere else.

After talking to my ex-partner a number of times, I made her an offer to buy her share out of our house. I did due diligence and contacted 4 real estate agents who gave me an appraisal of what they thought the property was now worth. I worked out the average of these appraisals. I downloaded all our bank statements since the purchase of the property and added up who contributed what. It turns out, on average, I contributed about 60% more to the mortgage repayments and running costs of the house (bills, rates, groceries, etc).

I also discovered that she had ceased contributing to the mortgage and bills months ago. She had in effect been living in our house for "free" whilst I was essentially homeless.

However, to encourage action and make my offer more palatable to her I offered to put her out at 60%. She would get 20% from the sale of the property than she put in.

Well, she rejected this offer, and demanded 80% instead. At this point I contacted a few lawyers. I thought "Surely they can provide a clear letter to her with the bank statements showing that I was entitled to 60% of the property. Surely this will make her reasonably accept my original offer". Nope. Both lawyers I talked to said that, in a relationship, all assets, including your savings, the value of your car, even your f**king super, are pooled together and distributed evenly. Further more, they both said the cost of going through mediation, then court, as well as the costs of the lawyers them selves would be greater than what I would lose if I paid her the 80%. They also said this could potentially drag on for years, all the while my ex can legally not pay mortgage, because the contract includes us both.

So, I caved. I offered her the 80%. She would get back twice the amount she paid into the mortgage. She would get twice the amount she is owed from the increase in value of the property. And, she gets to continue living there for free whilst I still pay her cost.

How is this just? How is this even close to fair?

This. This is why I hate living. I HATE it so much.

[Jynx]

@Jlol wow, I'm so sorry hun. That is so deeply unfair. You are just trying to protect yourself, and escape an unhealthy situation, and you've truly been dragged through the mud along the way. And to continue having to deal with her makes it that much harder to start moving forward with your life. 

Do you still see the trauma specialist? I hope you feel like you have enough support at the moment, you definitely deserve to have safety and trusted people around you right now. 

[PinkFlamingo]

Im so sorry to hear what youre going through @Jlol  😣

I have had to start again from a similar situation, and it is very difficult indeed. 

I resented every part of the process, and it definitely illustrated in my case that the system isn't designed to be fair, doesn't work in a fair way, and clearly needs urgent reform.

And, I used to hate myself, hated living, and kept beating myself up for the situation. 

After a while, I knew that this would be ultimately very destructive, so I decided to stop blaming myself and holding myself responsible for the systemic disparity insofar as trying to fight a system that was much more than a David and Goliath situation. 

To do that, I had to change the way I looked at the situation...I asked myself "girl what price do you put on your life, your health, and your wellbeing?", and there was my answer.

The result: I paid a high price and had to start again, but I gained my FREEDOM. 

I know that what Ive said isn't a solution to the financial disparity, systemic disparity, and the lack of your voice being heard and upheld, and it can be a very hard pill to swallow, however in a place where there are limited choices consisting of destruction of self or freedom of self, unfortunately the choice depends on (imho) how much more a person can take. 

The reason I reply is to hopefully help you feel youre not alone, and that the system does really resemble a pile of something brown and decidedly unsavoury at times, and that even though there will be loss, you are you, and nobody can take that away from you even if they take all you own 💜

[Jlol]

Thanks @Jynx 

"Do you still see the trauma specialist? I hope you feel like you have enough support at the moment, you definitely deserve to have safety and trusted people around you right now. "

No, I don't. She said she could no longer help me and advise I go to hospital. I presented at 2 different public hospitals but was turned away.

[Jlol]

Thanks @PinkFlamingo

I think you and I are a little different in some respects.

I don't hate myself or beat myself up or blame myself. I know that I am doing the best I can. 

What makes me hate life is that I it's so rigged against you. I have no control over the court system, climate change, cost of living, inflation, the housing crisis, etc. That's fine - I can accept that.

However, what I can't accept is when these external factors impact my life in a hugely negative way. These decisions that, cause extreme pain to me, are made for me and are out of my control.

To put it another way: if I had a job where I was getting underpaid and bullied I probably would have the option of quitting it and finding a different job with better conditions.

But with the things I mentioned, I cannot to that. I cannot "quit" climate change or the cost of living crisis.

Therefore, I feel that, seeing as these choices are made for me, unavoidable, and are detrimental for me I really hate life.

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @Jlol I hear you, we can't control climate change and that's really hard to cope with. Sounds like you have a lot going on and many thoughts. I wanted to check in with you privately, could you please look out for my email? Thank you 

[PinkFlamingo]

That’s totally understandable @Jlol 

Hopefully it’s a help in some way to know that - even though situations can be different - there’s someone out there that has been pushed around by unavoidable ‘rigged’ systems too 💜🌺

It’s definitely unfair, and definitely stinks.
I hope things change 🙂

[Jlol]

Oh great. It get worse. What a f*cking surprise.

So, I've had my resources drained and will inherit a 6 figure debt. And now, although my ex I have reached an agreement, I have to pay lawyers $7,000 to, I dunno, look at it?

What do they have to do that could possibly cost $7,000? It's a piece of paper. It lays things out clearly. Why the hell do they have to charge so much just to look at it?

But no. They know I'm in a vulnerable state and so they see an opportunity to swoop in like vultures circling a tired wildebeest. "Hey, his life is pretty f*cked up, dig on in boys!"

Oh, then I'm more than certain the government will want something. I don't know what, but hey, I'm having traumatic major life event, so they'll want to charge me something for being alive. What'll it be? Stamp duty? Registration fees? Being alive tax?

This is why I HATE life.

[tyme]

Hi @Jlol ,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

Just to clarify, are you looking to receive support from the SANE community? Or are you wanting more to use this space to share what's happening for you?

[Jlol]

@tyme I'm using this space to reach out to people because my situation is incredibly stressful and I do not have many other people in my life.

If what I am saying upsets you, I'm sorry.

You can kick me off the forums if you want, though I believe I have not broken any rules.