Love issues

[Brizzle]

So I have a gf and I do love her very much however my problem is that I'm still very much in love with my best friend. We were in a relationship nearly 20 years ago and for a number of reasons it didn't work out, I feel horrible for my actions that led to the dissolution of our relationship and how I treated her after too, but I have never stopped loving her. I just want her to be happy and the fiancé she has now does make her very happy and I am happy for her too, but it also kills me inside knowing just how I truly feel about her. We both openly admit to still loving each other but it's in very different ways. My gf obviously has no idea and I don't think it would be a great idea to ever mention it. I couldn't imagine life without my best friend but seeing her hurts beyond belief too. I'm at a loss for what to do here

[rav3n]

hey @Brizzle welcome to the forums! 😊

this is a tricky spot to be in, and i imagine loving someone for that long must've been painful at times. there's this quote, "if you love something, set it free. if it comes back, it's yours. if not, it was never meant to be." seems like you've both had around 20 years to find your way back to each other again, but instead it seems you've both moved into new relationships - perhaps it's time to let your best friend go? 

i'm curious to know what you meant by, "still love each other but it's in very different way"? 

[Brizzle]

So we've both said if our current relationships crap out we're going to move in together and be old and bitter and alone together. She loves me as a good friend, I love her very much more than that. When we first broke up I tried hating her but it was no good, I've loved her from childhood, she was my first real love, and I will never stop loving her. We've both been in many relationships, I've even been married, but the one thing we always have through everything is each other. It's just hard for me to try and only love her as a friend when I know what my true feelings are and it's so much more than that

[rav3n]

first real loves can hold a special place in our hearts @Brizzle, and i can see how it would be hard imaging life without her in it. it's okay to love her, but i reckon it might not be fair on her or your gf to pursue it further, especially since your friend has made it clear that her love is platonic. 

i tried being best friends with someone i had feelings for in the past, and unfortunately, that only caused me more pain. it took almost a year of no-contact and some therapy sessions talking about why i felt so stuck on him. i still care about him, but i'm no longer consumed by feelings for him. 

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@Brizzle wrote:

So we've both said if our current relationships crap out we're going to move in together and be old and bitter and alone together. 

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it makes sense why you've had feelings for her for so long. if i'd made a pact like this, i would've found it hard to move on, and give my 100% to a new relationship. but i can see how it would've been different for her. do you talk to/spend time with your best friend often? would it be possible to set some boundaries to help get over her? 

[Brizzle]

I would never pursue anything as I know it wouldn't be fair and would only lead to further heartache for us both. 

I am in contact with her daily and I see her at least once a fortnight. The hug I get when I see her is the only physical contact I have with anyone at the moment. We both know the limits of what we can have and while it is kinda hell for me there is no way I could deal with not having the contact we have. 

I'm hoping that once my gf isn't in a separate state things might become easier