Lived Experience Forum

[outlander]

Interesting topic @Owlunar ill have a better read when i log onto the computer
Thanks for tagging me

@frog @Snowie @Sans911 @ @sarurnzoon @Former-Member @eth @Mazarita @CheerBear @Former-Member @BlueBay
You guys might be interested here too

[Owlunar]

Thanks @outlander - I am actually up to page 2 and I really want this discussion to work 

And it's great you have tagged other people too - when I don't have a list to work from I fall over my fingers and I mess up what I have tagged and then forget people - so I love it when someone else does it for me

We all have our gifts as I said last week - tagging and wrapping presents are not among mine

I have plenty of things to drawn on from my own experience but with a stroke of luck I found a really wonderful magazine at my doctor's clinic - it's about Self-Care for Women and I hope no one pinches it before I have had a good chance to read more of it - just off the top of my head it has subjects like

Aromatherapy

Mindfulness

Self-fulfilment

Taking up hobbies and other activities that are pleasant and rewarding in themselves but sometimes offer the chance for an income and certainly contact with others

And then there is the all-important contact with others - 

Today I plan to take some notes as long as that magazine is still there and maybe get a subscription for myself for the next copy - it would be worth it - it's a pretty classy magazine with very calming graphics and photos - it contains really wonderful information to share

All women have the right to feel okay about themselves

Dec

@outlander@utopia@Former-Member@frog@Snowie@Sans911@saturnzoon@Former-Member@eth@Mazarita@CheerBear@Former-Member@BlueBay@Shaz51@Faith-and-Hope@Sophia1

Anyone and everyone is invited and included - I actually need as many people as possible to add their thoughts here

[outlander]

@Former-Member@PeppiPatty@Teej@Queenie@Former-Member@soul@greenpea@Exoplanet@Former-Member@Former-Member@Shaz51 @Maggie@Pepsimax

[Owlunar]

Wonderful - thanks @outlander

[Sophia1]

Hello @Owlunar@outlander@utopia@Former-Member

I think that this is a brilliant idea for a thread ...

I need time to read each and every post though...

I am busy today..

will try to get back to this and respond to a couple of other tags when I can get back on here...

keep on tagging me though please

I need this...

I have been giving myself such a dreadful time recently ...only discussing this very fact with my therapist this morning..

so will read and add some stuff..

[Owlunar]

That's great @Sophia1

I am glad you will read what I am battling to write - give yourself time and read it properly when you have got yourself settled - moving is such hard work

And you were talking about this with your therapist this morning - how about that!! It's fantastic - I am so glad to read about such a co-incidence

Brilliant

Dec

[utopia]

@Owlunar. I'm a single mum of a teenager.  So work is a must.  Although I've been off work and on WorkCover for 4 years now. That in itself is hard, because you can't provide the extras that a proper income brings.  And when I am fit to return to work,  I think it would be part time only,  due to my mental health.  It's a struggle n9t being able to provide for your child or yourself,  what you wish.  GUILT.  it's always there. I think it's part and parcel of being a mum. 

When I am deeper well enough to work again,  my plan is to study at University part time.  I'll be 48 this week, but I want to do something better with my working life.  I have decades of work ahead of me. 

Family pressure is already noted.  I should work hard and save money for my Superannuation. Yet I have a child who will be going to University soon,  and so I need to help him out.  Conflicting priorities. Never easy to work out what is best.  But there comes a time where we women,  must put ourselves and our needs first,  before the family.  We just need to learn how to quieten the guilt we feel. 

[Owlunar]

Oh Yes @utopia

That's the word "GUILT" - and why? It is so wrong and cripples us when we need to find the way for ourselves the most - I am so glad you have posted

I am delighted that you are hoping to go to  University - part time is fine - I did that for 12 years and I am sure when  you look at 12 years at 48 that it seems out of reach

But still - starting is the important part and then - we do it year by year - semester by semester - week by week - day by day - class by class - it can happen

I graduated when I was 50 and I can say the rest of my life has been enhanced by what I studied and I did the subjects that pleased me - of course - this wasn't satisfactory for other people - bugger them!

Superannuation - um - that's interesting - putting  yourself and your son through university is far more important - sure living on the pension is not easy but the option is there - at this stage I wonder how much superannuation there would be for you - I have no idea - there was no superannuation when I was working for pay - and certainly none when I did voluntary work - studying has a better pay-off - it feeds the soul as well as give the chance for a better income - 

It's amazing that people have ideas about our lives that are so much better for us than our own ideas for ourselves. It's as if guilt is something that was fed to us at our mother's breast - and early in the day mothers have the guilts about bottle or breast - it starts early

I refuse to be guilty about that one - you can't breast feed an adopted child and my biological child refused the breast - still people knew better and if I had listened I would have had the guilts I have no doubt but as you say - we have to turn that off but how do we?

I wish I had the answer - we women do need to put ourselves first - before the family - that way we can be there for the family in far better ways 

But how do we settle the guilt? - it is impossible for us to do everything perfectly and meeting other people's standards is impossible

If we please other people there is a chance no one will be happy - if we please ourselves at least one person - ourself - has a chance of being happy - whatever being happy means

But we can fulfil a need that seems open and obvious to most men

When I started studying again when my children were still small I told my mother I was emancipated. I still wonder if she knew what that word meant but regardless - she told me I wasn't and it was impossible to tell her that emancipation is a state of mind as much as circumstances. I felt frustrated and unfulfilled giving up my life and choices so that three other people could just live theirs.

As it was they got all the needed anyway

But the guilt - I know it Utopia - and I have fought it. But how did I win?

I don't know - but it seems there are voices from the past demanding too much from us - no way can we do it all

Dec

[Shaz51]

@utopia @Faith-and-Hope @lapses @Appleblossom@Zoe7@outlander@BabyDragon,

@Sherry@PeppiPatty@Teej@Queenie@5-HT@soul@greenpea@Exoplanet@lisajane@Messygirl@Sophia1@Maggie@Pepsimax, @Former-Member, @Faith_Hope_Love, @Fee1, @Former-Member, @Mazarita, @eth, @Kurra

Hello @Owlunar

yes , my mum has always been indepentant and still is and she has passed a lot down to me , and we had to . she has done soo much in her life , raising me on her own in my teenager years was hard but we made it

[Shaz51]

@Sherry@PeppiPatty@Teej@Queenie@5-HT@soul@greenpea@Exoplanet@lisajane@Messygirl@Sophia1@Maggie@Pepsimax, @Former-Member, @Faith_Hope_Love, @Fee1, @Former-Member, @Mazarita, @eth, @Kurra

Hello @Owlunar

yes , my mum has always been indepentant and still is and she has passed a lot down to me , and we had to . she has done soo much in her life , raising me on her own in my teenager years was hard but we made it

[Appleblossom]

@Shaz51 @Sophia1 @utopia @Owlunar @Former-Member and all who are interested.

There are so many pressures on women as individuals and as mothers.  Its a great discussion Dec.  Generally the children of educated mothers do better so that can be a motivator and alleviate guilt.  The guilt of not being able to provide perfectly for our children, whatever a perfect experience of childhood would be ... 

I have engaged with these issues in many ways.  Interested in what people say.  I was earning more before I studied, so I find that interesting, but I am more discriminating in what I spend on.  

I have experienced a lot of criticism and rejection for going to school and leaving school.  In the end I have detached and realised I have been used as a scapegoat.  I have not been that stubborn or put my ideas out, my just being alive seemed to upset people, which became very hurtful.  Now, I am learning to stick up for me and not just younger, elder, or others who seem vulnerable.  My vulnerabilities deserve respect too..

I have never regretted study. It is a key part of my personality.