Dear Community,
I come to you once again, seeking solace and perhaps some guidance in a journey that has taken quite a tumultuous turn since my last post. For those who may remember, I've previously shared snippets of my experiences as a stepparent to my daughter, navigating the complexities of mental health challenges alongside her.
However, since my last post the landscape has shifted drastically. She is no longer friends with the friend mentioned in my previous post. She is seeing a new psychiatrist, who has thus far made various changes to her medication, in an attempt, at least as I understand it, to see what her natural behavior is without certain medication and she has a scheduled appointment with a psychologist in the coming weeks.
As her primary caretaker, I've been acutely mindful of the impact these medication adjustments have had on her well-being. I’ve been sitting in at every psychiatrist appointment, at her request, and have given feedback to the psychiatrist regarding her sleep patterns, anxiety etc. I’ve also been reading various literature in an attempt to arm myself with skills of how to react in certain situations (because let’s be honest, she is mid-twenties and pushes boundaries under the umbrella of “I’m a grown-up and no one will tell me what to do”, when a situation does not suit her).
However, in the past almost two weeks, I find our relationship strained. She's begun to withdraw, distancing herself more with each passing day. Simple rituals, like our morning discussions about her sleep patterns and medication routines, have eroded into silence. Attempts to inquire about this are met with hostility and accusations that I am judging her.
It's a precarious balancing act. On the one hand, I've always believed in maintaining a dialogue focused on tangible aspects where I can offer constructive feedback to her doctors. On the other hand, her recent revelations, coupled with her resistance to open up, have left me grappling with a profound sense of inadequacy.
Outside observers, well-meaning though they may be, offer their assessments, noting the toll this journey has taken on me. "You look tired," they say. And yet, the complexity of our situation defies easy explanation. How do you convey the intricacies of a relationship influenced by mental health struggles and the relentless seeking of balance between support and self-preservation?
Yesterday, she confided in me something that shook me to my core, something that contradicted the very guidelines set forth by her psychiatrist. It's a revelation that has left me questioning my role, my worth, and the limits of my endurance. It made me wonder whether she really wants the help she once sought.
Today I found myself contemplating the unthinkable – walking away. But what does that say about me? What kind of person entertains such thoughts, even for a second? It's a question that haunts me, one that underscores the magnitude of the challenges we face. And of course, I am met with well meant comments from her parents encouraging me not to “abandon” her. But they only know what she has expressly given me permission to tell them (which is almost nothing), which makes me look even worse than what I am already feeling for thinking of walking away.
So here I am, once again, bearing my soul to this community in search of understanding, empathy, and perhaps a glimmer of hope. In a journey fraught with uncertainty, your support remains a beacon of light amidst the darkness.
With heartfelt gratitude,
The IronLady
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