What to do with spare time?

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Thanks @Alessandra1992 

I grew up in a household where you didn't talk about feelings or problems like this because my dad never knew what to do so it was awkward, and my mother would use it against me. Once she realised emotional abuse was far more hurtful than physical that became her favourite pasttime. I have no contact with my mother now for obvious reasons.

So believe me when I saw I have come a long way, I am here talking to you guys, I am open with some workmates and friends about things, and I see a psychologist. So all sorts of talking about feelings and whatnot. 😛

Having spoken to my bossfriend I feel so much better mentally, I am actually feeling happy. If I do go downhill again between now and my psych appointment I will go and see my GP.

The brother-figure said he wants some video game. Depending on how I'm feeling (how much I want to brave the shops) I'll try and find the game. Otherwise I'll get him a voucher and he can find it himself. 😛 And I'll get him something Doctor Who related, he's a massive fan. And I'll get myself something Doctor Who related too, because I'm a grown up. 😄

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Wicked !!
How I have I not come across this website in my Googling. 😛

She is a champ, and she's always happy to chat, and we share similar interests (She's a crazy bug lady too 😛 ) means we chat a fair bit outside of work too. She said today that she was really proud of how I handled the whole thing (the day after the HR thing I tried my best to chat and be normal with her). And she knows it'll not be a quick thing for me to beat this, but she said she has faith in me.

[Alessandra1992]

Love Dr Who! Still love Tom Pertwee, loved Matt Smith and David Tennant and just coming to grips with Peter Capaldi, the new old one! I kinda preferred that as I got older, they were getting younger and special effects so much better!!
So glad that you are feeling more positive and that your friendly boss is so supportive..

[Ellie]

I know this is an older post, but I only just now read through it all.

CherryBomb, when I feel suicidal because of my BPD issues (which has been often lately) I don't find that phoning services does much for me at all. If I'm in "that space" then at first they can talk me down, but after I hang up the phone, the same problems are still there because so very few people at the end of a phone line understand BPD enough to be able to "fix" things and all we want to do is to be fixed so we don't have to keep going through the same old things day in, day out.

I haven't rung the Suicide Call-back Service yet, but when I believe that everybody hates me and thinks I'm a malingerer on top of the fact that even calling my local mental health service does nothing, then each day I find my situation becoming worse and worse and I just don't have faith in any service offering to help me through a crisis.

I do believe that such services help a lot of people. They obviously do a great deal for the community, but for someone like myself, who's negative and destructive thoughts just keep going around and around in the belief that nobody can save me, especially when the mental health service doesn't even want to know about it, I have little faith in help lines and I'm just so sick and tired of trying to fight this thing and stay alive. What's the point?

[kristin]

Dearest @Ellie 

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling in this dark space feeling alone. I hate the football effect in MH, it is real and much worse for some than others, sometimes it seems like nothing but luck whether you get real help or not. And I know some illnesses are stigmatised far more than others, even with MI being stigmatised in the first place.

I wish I could send you my phone numbder but it's not allowed, otherwise I would. Sometimes we just need a real person to talk to who actually cares, even if they don't quite understand everything - we need more than anything to be listened to - to be heard.

So a shout out to @Alessandra1992 @hiddenite and @sara , to @kenny66 and @Loopy and all others: please gather round because one of us is struggling and I think we all need to be lighting candles, or maybe we gather up a bonfire again. It is getting quite cool at night in the mountains.

I feel rather shy asking Sandy's questions - she does it so much better - but Ellie what helped get you through these times before? It sounds like lifeline etc helps somewhat, but then it all tends to start up again when you hang up. What else helps you?

Please take care my friend, and keep posting.

Hope for good help with dealing with our pain endures...

Kindest regards, Kristin

[sara]

The bonfire sounds good tonight.
I'll bring the mashmellows and a few flasks of hot chocolate

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @Ellie
It is damn hard if those feelings are persistent..have you heard of Will Hall? He set up the Icarus Project in the States and has written extensively on living with suicidal feelings.
The Icarus Project also has a really useful book you can download for free on self harm.
Sometimes he has visited Australia and run low cost workshops here..
Please know your bravery in sharing will be inspiring someone else on the forum to know that they are not alone..
It is very brave to open up as none of us ever enjoys these dark periods, but some of us can't reach out easily...
You know, you are worth saving @Ellie and reaching out is you working your butt off to save yourself..
May I gently ask how have you challenged your spiralling negative thought in the past? What kinds of strategies have you used as a bit of a circuit breaker?
I am wondering if you use mantras, diverting your attention or talking it through with someone else?
It is hard to give your brain a new message, when our brain is busily telling us we're worthless, stupid and crap.
Would you consider listening to our opinions about how we find you on the forums?
Because @Ellie I have found you to be warm, kind, generous, supportive, friendly and wise. You have taken time to respond to other people, and you have always with a gentle touch but with truth.
Take care @Ellie, we're building the bonfire, come sit near us, we're here...

[hiddenite]

Hi Ellie
I understand how you feel.
It seems to me that any time I want to talk about my suicidal feelings I end up in the MHU.
No one really wants to talk about it.
Even in the Mhu if you try and talk about it they sedate me.
I have no friends other than here. Not for 24 years.
My personal experience from suicide line is that they truly understand. And they will help talk you through those negative feelings.
I see it as someone else holding safety to give me a break even for a little while.
They cannot fix things just a band aid.
For me I have no one to talk to about how things are.
Remember they are just thoughts.
You are not your thoughts.
And you do not have to act on them.
Sometimes it's easier to just accept them and let them be. They do not define who you are.
Distract sometimes helps
using senses
breathing meditation
mindfulness
all good techniques that help but take practice.
Unfortunately I'm not going to paint a pretty picture they are awful, exhausting, difficult to manage and just plain crappy.
no magic pill just hard work and thats tough.
Yea feeling too broken to be fixed thats me so I get it.
I also loathe myself, no self worth so when I say I understand I really do.
oh and buy the way im in the Mhu at the moment.
Please google some of those techniques they may be helpful.
Remember the people here care about you.
Please stay safe
karen

[Ellie]

To Kristin, Sara and Alessandra. Thanks you so much for your caring replies. I'm feeling a little better today. I took my meds last night and slept a disgusting 12 hours however it wasn't lack of sleep that caused the issues in the first place. Things just seem to trigger me and sometimes for no apparent reason. It can be a sad end to a movie and it rekindles the saddness in my heart. I might be triggered like I was recently when I was reading about how this girl with BPD was in the right era, at the right place and found the right doctor to treat her and make her well. I was triggered because that's just never going to happen to me. Then I felt guilty because I became angry that it was her and never going to be me.

I'm currently working on a Kindle book entitled The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Workbook, but finding it difficult to go through the program alone. The facilitator of our self help group said to start (in my case) with emotions and work through that part, but this is such a self defeating disorder. I get all enthused, only to have all the negative thoughts reemerge the next day and everything I've tried to put into practice goes right out the window. And I'm old. Too old to still have this blasted condition. I've learned over the years how to bottle up my emotions, well, usually, but it ruined my entire life long before I even knew what it was called. I've been treated for so many things, which is common amongst those with BPD, but in the back of my mind I have this little voice saying...... "what's the point of even trying to stay alive. You're too old now to make a life for yourself and you've done too much damage!"

As to how I've survived in the past, I have few friends, but a call to them does help. One has been especially enduring and has put up with a lot of my sh!t over the years. I'm just waiting for a call from her as I type. I know she'll make me feel better, but sometime she warns me that it can only be a short call because she has someone coming over. Naturally I then become suspicious and think she's just trying to fob me off and that can set me back into suicide mode again.

I think the thing that helps me most is to get off my butt and go do something physical....... bring up a couple of barrow loads of wood to the veranda in readiness for the cooler months, fill in a drainage ditch I finally got around to digging and laying a pipe in after at least 5 years of procrastinating about it or picking up my guitar and playing a few miserable cords. There's nobody to hear my mistakes out here Unfortunately, as was the case last night, one of my maladaptive survival skills is to self harm, but it helps temporarily and is often enough to get me over the hump.

I'd just like to say too, that I sometimes see people on here who are in dire straits and I just don't know how to respond. I'm so mindful of saying the wrong thing because of my tendency to analyse every little word, every little bit of body language and I'm just terrified of saying the wrong thing. So if I see someone suffering and somebody else has already responded in splendid fashion, then I tend to sit back and not say anything, but rest assured that I'm always here and holding your hand in a spiritual sense.

Thanks again to everybody. I immediately felt better when I read your comments. You have served to make my day a lot brighter. I'll be ok for at least today.

[Ellie]

Oh I also meant to add in relation to how I overcome my overwhelming emotions....... I use alcohol. I know it's not the brightest thing to do as it's a depressant and actually does make me feel worse if I'm drinking alone, which is usually the case, but it's a crutch I've used for decades and if it causes me physical in the end, I don't really care.

And thanks for the offer of the seat near the bonfire. I love a bonfire. I'll bring a long fork and some hot salami to toast over the coals. A lot of the fat drips out of it and if it's toasted just right, then the taste is amazing.