Carers/partners of the mentally ill: how do you know when it's time to step away, for your own sake?

[Lattepowered]

Hi friends, 

I post on here from time to time, about my struggles living with my husband who has been experiencing paranoid persecutory delusions for two years now. He has no insight he is unwell, won't get medical help or see a counsellor and he is constantly trying to vent about his delusions to me, although I've said a million times I can't absorb any more of his stress. 

I'm living in the 'fishbowl' of his illness where it's increasingly normalised for me, however I think he's getting worse. He seems to have paranoid episodes more often, where he'll carry on about the PIs he's seen following him, the conversations he's overheard of colleagues discussing his imminent arrest etc. He's had two such episodes in the past few days, lasting an hour or so each. It feels like these episodes happen more often than they did maybe a year ago. I usually try to distract him or redirect his attention, as often it turns into a conflict about why won't I believe him or see a defamation lawyer with him, I'm unsupportive, uncaring etc. He's also said I'm withholding affection because I'm not interested in intimacy - but why would I be that way inclined when he thinks the neighbours are watching us through spy cameras in the roof?! 

Recently, he's started asking me whether I'm the person behind the conspiracy, he even asked this morning if I was having an affair.

I guess my question is how much is too much, to put up with? Yesterday it took me hours to calm down after his episode.

He's loosely agreed to see a doctor if he doesn't get arrested this week (he's been convinced the conspiracy is leading to an arrest on Friday). However he said he'll only tell the GP he has general work stress and nothing more, and that he doesn't want a diagnosis.

I love him and we've had a long, happy relationship before the past 2 years, but at this point i feel like his illness is making life really hard.

[rav3n]

hey @Lattepowered sending you some big hugs 💖

i can see how incredibly draining it's been for you, and i know you're trying your absolute best in encouraging him to get support. i've got my fingers crossed that he follows through with the GP appointment - even if he's not saying the whole truth, it definitely sounds like a big step. 

please do look after yourself too, Carer Gateway has some free services that they offer carers so feel free to check those out - you deserve to be heard and supported. 

[Lattepowered]

Thank you @rav3n he is going to the GP today, but he said he will only say its general work stress and ask for a week of anti anxiety meds. But what he really needs is so much more - he was sectioned briefly about 18 months ago and the doctor prescribed anti psychotics for 12 months- he only took them for a few days.

He is just absolutely adamant that his paranoid fears are facts.

I've realised that my pushing back with boundaries about how the constant paranoid talk stresses me out isn't actually having any cut through, and in fact it's like it makes him ramp it up further. If I express how it impacts me he'll say 'ssssh, don't give them (the people he thinks are listening in via spy cameras) ammunition.' So it's like me calmly stating my boundaries gets twisted against me.

I'm fully aware that to the few people (my mum, counsellor etc) who know what I'm going through, I must sound like a broken record. The advice is either to leave, or wait till he has a bad episode and see if I can sneak off to call an ambulance. But I haven't been able to bring myself to do either. Instead it's basically like I have to fend off psychological pressure from him (venting about his delusions, what he's 'heard' people say that day) every single day. It's the first thing I hear when I wake up, and the last thing before I go to sleep. I feel like some kind of mental prisoner of his illness.

No idea if this is the normal experience of a carer of someone in psychosis? Do carers normally experience the brunt of the illness?

[Goldengirl13]

@Lattepowered I feel you. My beloved husband has been certain I have been unfaithful with any man I come in contact with. I went to see his Gp last week but there is nothing we can do without him agreeing. Sometimes if I make an appt he will come with me but he cannot see that his reality is skewed and he doesn't trust me. Hang in there.

[Lattepowered]

@Goldengirl13 I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's incredibly difficult when you are the focus of someone's delusions. Ultimately, it can become an unsustainable situation. I think the glimmer of hope you have is that your husband has actually been willing to to to the GP with you. From what I've read, that can be a good way to at least get them to address their 'stress', rather than the actual fears/delusions, which they are usually very adamant about.

My poor husband has been unwell for 2 years now but only recently has he started asking me if im 'in on it', which I guess kind of puts me in a similar situation to you. It's so hard. I hope you are doing ok, solidarity to you x