Lived Experience Forum

[where_to]

I am so upset.

This is not working for me.

I read a discussion this morning for hours which was about abuse and I could relate to so many topics and I was so deeply touched by so many things people were saying! Then I started replying but my message became very long and I had written several pages already without having replied to even half of the things that I felt needed someone to devote their time to! I also started worrying about whether some of the things I said which intended to be helpful might actually be too much or triggering for someone. And then I doubted that anyone wannted to hear any of it in the first place. Now I have had this half-written message in my drafts which is very long but not finished but my thoughts are racing at such a quick pace that I cannot properly catch any of them in order to finish what I had written.

I don't know what's up with me. I am so full of so many emotions and they change so quickly and I cannot concentrate enough to engage in a conversation with anyone properly, even though all I want to do is join in somewhere and be in human contact. Be okay for a bit.

I don't even dare replying to anyone cause I can see how my thoughts go too quickly, they jump too much in between topics, and I do not feel like I am being myself so I will not ask for anyone to put up with me right now, I will just post this under my other post silently, just to get it off my mind. Just to get it out. So maybe my head will slow down, maybe the waves will become still and calm at some point again. Eventually..

[outlander]

Hello @where_to and welcome

Im 21 so around your age and can relate to those mood changes ( i have BPD not bipolar) it can be quite distressing esp if it new to you or only realising that maybe its not quite normal.

Mental health can affect anyone and even though you study psychology it doesnt always mean youll pick up on everything. Try not to be to hard on yourself there.

Have you considered talking to your gp at all? It would be good for you to have some supports too not just thinking like a therapist but allowing yourself to talk to others about whats happening and accepting some help..

@MDT and @The-red-centaur are also other young members who may be able to relate to you.

[MDT]

@where-to I'll be on a bit later oday and can give you a better reply than this

But @outlander is right.
Take care and welcome to SF. It is a tremendous support network of real people

[MDT]

hey there @where_to

Welcome to the sane forums.

You are among good company here. Many of the people on here have had very similar experiences to the one you've described in the above posts. I had a read of them. I can relate to a lot of the confusion and frustration about depression. I have anxiety as well.

I'm a little confused, did you say that you do receive support? By support I mean anything, be it a counsellor or psych, gp or just a person you can confide in.

The rest of your post I can relate to as well. I've just completed uni and I'm now looking for new opps in life and what the heck I am meant to do now with my life.

Rather than say too much now I think it's best to see what I can say in reply to what you say. I generally like to let other people talk rather than have me diagnose the stuff going on.

[utopia]

@where_to

Firstly, everybody's story is their own. There is no easier or harder situations. We don't focus on that, as it really can stop us from seeking help. So it's more that we all have our own experiences.

Often when studying psychology or medicine, students often (mis)diagnose themselves. It's common. But that's not to say that this is the case with you.

So, to reach out for help or not? I think you've already started, by posting here.

Personally I think it's better to be properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist. Then you know what you are dealing with and can commence on the treatment options. The sooner you start, the sooner your mental health can be more in balance again.

So do go to your GPS and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist.

And keep posting here. There is lots of support on this forum.

[where_to]

@outlander@MDT@utopia

Thank you all for your very responses to my confused posts. I very much appreciate them and I'm sorry about the delayed reply.

And yes, just by reading through some posts on here and also because of your generosity to reply so kindly, I have already got a sense of this being a tremendous support network. It's impressive that you have created such beautiful thing and that you manage to keep it up so well, too.

Whom I confide in? Well, I guess some of the people who are very close to me know about my tendency towards depression and there is three or four whom I talked about the sexual violence, too, that happened around three years ago. I also know that I would receive great support from my friends if I wanted to try seeking out a psychiatrist or counsellor. Maybe part of the reason why I have not done so yet is that - luckily - my kind of depressed and anxious moods don't last long enough for me to fall so down that I desperately reach for help; I just take some time out and stay at home for a while until it passes again. Whilst being so down, I would not have the energy to get help and then my mood goes up again so quickly and to such extremes, that the thought of seeking help seems just so ridicolous. I feel as if I would be wasting the counsellor's help cause life then seems wonderful and I would feel so alive again that the depressed parts of me then seem so surreal. As if they were not part of me. I do not feel the need to do anything about it then anymore. And if I went to see someone, how would they ever understand that there is a part of me which thinks and feels so very differently? I don't think I could imagine such different parts within one and the same person myself; I do not know anyone who has such different sides to them either.. Everyone I meet describes me as the "sunshine" and apparently I am always in such great a mood and very extraverted and smiley - I do not feel like I could make people understand how sometimes that just shifts so unexpectedly into something so immensely deep and dark and ugly..

Writing this, I am well aware that people do understand much better than what it feels like to me. Rationally, I get that. But my feelings cannot follow. It's like they "know better".. if you know what I mean.

[utopia]

@where_to. Yes we are all made up of many parts. And often we,wear 'masks' for the different roles we play. Worker. Daughter. Sibling. Friend.

It's often hard to get our brain to accept what we know is logical and right.Especially when living with mental illness.

Just wondering out loud if your happy excited times could be mania? There are different levels of mania.

Also, getting a diagnosis from a,psychiatrist does not mean that you need to take medication. I choose to take anti depressants. Some members of this forum choose no medication for their mental illness. It's apersonal

[utopia]

@where_to. Oops. I hit the wrong button. It is your choice entirely whether you choose medication or not. But you may like some techniques that a psychologist can teach you to try to reduce how often or how long you get depressed. 

Just some things you might like to consider.

Yes it's a great Forum here. No judgement. We are all the same and all different. And it's great to be supported by people who understand.

[where_to]

@utopiaYeah, I hear you and I do agree - it's such a personal and really depends on the individual situation and context in which mental health issues are coming up I guess. I don't know if I wanted to take medications or not, but I am not yet really thinking about it since I needed to know what it really was I was struggling with and then look at the pros and cons of medication after that I reckon.

And I don't know if it's mania - it might be, though. But I've always kind of had the feeling that when one is manic, it would be almost impossible to be conscious of that, right? Whereas I am sometimes bewildered by how much I laugh, how loud I laugh, how excited I get about little things - and then I hear people notice how active I am so much which makes me wonder to which degree it might still be normal or not so much.. But maybe mania comes in so many shades - or colours (might be a more appropriate term for it, lol).. Or maybe the contrast between depression and happy mood just seems very big to me.. I know what you mean about taking on different roles; but what is happening to me is more like the opposite: I wish it was just a mask so I could take it off. Instead, it is just heaps of emotions rushing in on me in overwhelming doses which I cannot stop and I feel like they show in my face and my behaviour so much, it would always be impossible for me to mask. Which is, maybe, why at least when I'm depressed, I try to stay at home and hide it away. It puts me to shame and I don't want others to worry about me (especially since deep down I feel like they won't be able to really help me anyway), I would not feel like I am worth it at those times. I am better at it when it's not depression which is not triggered by anything but bad moods that are associated to certain memories - then, at least, I know what to talk to people about. The "highs" are too much at once, I could not put them into words and when I'm so low I do not know what causes it and what I am actually struggling with so what would I talk to people about.. I just feel very distanced from anyone "healthy" then. And lonely. Until another high comes along again.

Does that make any sense to you? Besides, if there is anything YOU need to talk about, please let me know. I know I don't know you and I might not be the greatest help but I would like to try. 🙂

(And additionally, taking up so much space myself seems wrong and leaves me feeling a bit guilty)

[utopia]

You are not taking up too much space @where_to. It's good to have these conversations. Hopefully both parties learn different things.

You'd probably be amazed at your 'healthy' friends. They will all have their own secret fears and insecurities. In that way, we are all quite similar.

And as you say, you are a happy person. You just have down times, depression, when you need to isolate yourself and get your mojo back.

Not everyone wants a diagnosis. Each person chooses for themselves. But if you find you are getting more concerned about these periods, then it may be worth investigating.