I can’t cope

[tyme]

If you call yourself a 'loser', I must be one too. I didn't have anyone to call back then. I only had my psychiatric triage number and 000. @Captain24 

@Captain24 , I know it feels like you are doing this alone, but you know we are cheering you on. Although we can't do the recovery for you, we are by your side. 

[Captain24]

 Sorry @tyme. I need to watch what I say. I would never think you’re a loser. 

Did you ever ring the psych triage line when you were suicidal? I’m scared that they would put me in hospital. 

Just something to lighten the mood @Jynx 

[tyme]

Psychiatric triage had all my papers and documents so I preferred calling them. Sometimes I would end up in hospital, other times they would pass on notes to my CM so my CM would be in touch, sometimes they would organise the CATT service to contact me @Captain24  It depends. 

I trust and believe you know when you need to go to hospital and you will call 000.

If you need to reach out to helplines, tell yourself they are not going to 'fix' things, but they are a listening ear.

Oh, Ruby is an escape artist. She knows how to get out of her pen. She sleeps in the pen at night... the next thing I know, there's a pitter patter of paws following me.... 

Your pic of Jett is super gorgeous! Thanks for sharing!

[Captain24]

Thank you. @tyme. I know I ask personal questions but it is helpful. 

They obviously have all my details, sometimes I just need to be talked down. I wasn’t sure that they would do that. I kinda want a couple on my file so my CM can see it. 

I did text SCBS the other night and they were helpful. They made me feel safe. For me to reach out it has to be really bad. 

Jett was growling at me in that photo. He thought I was going to take the bone! 

Thats so cute. The little feet following you. Jett can climb so there is no containing him. How are the kids going with her? Did you end up house sitting? 

[tyme]

And sometimes, it's good to let them know that you are looking for someone just to help you unwind a bit @Captain24  I remember one call to psychiatric triage very clearly. One I would never forget. I was in such a bad place and called them. We ended up chatting and they asked me to watch this particular show which was in a totally different language because after talking to me, they thought I'd enjoy it. Something about the apple of your eye or something. I think it was in chinese or japanese. I had no idea what it was saying. I may have just read the subtitles. But that was enough to de-escalate me from crisis.

It doesn't work all the time, but it worked this time.

As for house-sitting, I haven't made it yet. My niece won't let me. So I'm thinking to bring her with me on the weekend and she can stay over too. My niece is a bit sensitive at the moment because everyone went on school camp, but she wasn't allowed to go. So she's a bit down. Hence I have to be nice to her for a few more days lol. To be honest, my niece has grown up a lot. At the beginning of the year, she would no way have been ready for camp. Now, I reckon she could have gone... after all, she's only 7 years old!

At last! My nephew likes the dog now. I haven't seen him with her since he started 'liking' her yesterday. He's the neat freak. He spent his time rearranging her dog toys.

[Captain24]

I might give them a try next time @tyme.

Why wasn’t she allowed? You a such a good aunt. You can’t help yourself can you? lol. 

Im glad he is liking the puppy, dogs have a way of doing that to you..

[tyme]

She was very young and just not ready to go to camp @Captain24 . Still can't sleep on her own. Needs to sleep with someone.

She'll be ready for the next one. Also, her bestie wasn't going so it was more of a reason to keep her back. 

To be honest, she doesn't have a very nice grade at school. Most of the kids are just well beyond their years... it's frightening to hear the things they talk about.

Whereas my nephew has a really good grade were all the kids are friends. They are just kind and look after each other.

Anyway, I'll catch you tomorrow. I'm off now.

[Captain24]

I can’t sleep. My two babies are lying on me asleep. Pix is snoring away. Jett just casual. 

My thoughts won’t stop. It all just keeps running around in my head. My CM is calling me tomorrow to check in. I don’t know what to tell her. I can’t afford to go to hospital and I don’t know how to tell my parents that I’m really suicidal. They won’t be supportive at all. They call my illness my ‘little problem’

Sorry. Just ranting. Hopefully sleep comes soon. 

[Captain24]

It’s 2 am and I can’t get to sleep. I’ve tried everything. I can’t stop the thoughts in my head. My DOGS are sound asleep. I wish I could sleep like them. I’ve just taken extra prn, thats for sleeping, hoping it works.

I am anxious about my CM calling. If I’m totally honest she will send me to hospital. She said that in today’s appointment. It’s so hard fighting it constantly. Life is just not worth it. I am safe. 

I’ve got so much to do that I really need sleep plus I don’t want to go manic again. I kinda feel it as I just want to get up and do housework but I’m making myself stay here to try and nod off. Going manic with my mood the way it is is extremely dangerous. 

Anyway.. I hope this post is ok. My last one was deleted because I named my children! Lol I also did say something else. 

[Shaz51]

Morning @Captain24 

Wide awake here too my friend 🧡 

Sitting with you