I don't know what to do anymore

[C13]

Hi, New here.

Long story short my mental health has ruined my life. I've felt like this since I was a kid but my parents didn't know about mental health and thought that nothing was wrong with me. Now I'm 28 and I feel like I've lost so many years and opportunities, I ruined my best shot at my dream career, I ruined the only opportunity I had for a stable relationship. and knowing I won't get the time or opportunities back is haunting me. I've struggled to hold work for years, I was taken advantage of by my first psychologist and I feel like no one cares anymore. It's like everyone is sick of the guy who's been useless most of his life. I attempted suicide and now I live with the guilt that I gave up at one point and now I just wish I could undo everything.

[rav3n]

hey @C13,

firstly, welcome to the forums! we're excited to have you here✨

it sounds like there's a lot of shame, regret and guilt sitting with you right now, and these feelings often make it hard for us to find hope and move forward. although we can't go back in time and change the past, we do have control over what we do now and how our future turns out.

it's never too late to make changes. there's still hope that you can find your way back to your dream career (or maybe a new one), you can find a healthy/stable relationship, and you can look forward to a new journey. 

i know i've made mistakes before and regretted things in my past too, but i've realised that focusing on those mistakes kept me stuck. once i started forgiving myself for being human, and showed myself some compassion, i felt like i was finally able to start moving forward. the truth is, as humans we will mess up, and that's okay!! what's important is that we take the lessons we learn and work on making lil improvements one small step at a time. the fact that you're here and reaching out shows a lot of strength, and a willingness to learn/grow. 

i hope you're able to work on forgiving yourself, and please know we're here for you. be gentle with yourself 💗

[SmilingGecko]

Hello @C13 I lost everything when I had my breakdown. I also had a university degree and that was taken from me. I didn't realise that it was the course-correct that would lead me in another direction in life. I'm happy that I did no go into my chosen profession or be surrounded by certain types of people. I have had losses since but life isn't perfect but I am grateful for the life I have now. I can look back and say despite the traumatic hardship, the pain and the losses I have found meaning and happiness. It required a lot of adjustment and not to have fixed views about how my life should be. It required flexibility and learning to yield to situations that would provide a learning curve for growth. In essence I feel nothing was really taken from me but was fertile ground for opportunities I could not previously conceive. These were the things that were truly meant to come my way. Its my belief life doesn't always turn out as we would like but we can certainly seize what comes our way. I encourage you not to hang onto what once was but be the dweller on the threshold for what is yet to come. There is a saying that nature abhores a vacuum and that is true. In the emptiness something is waiting to take root. Just try and move through this disquieting phase for and just allow things to just be while you allow life to bring to you what you most need right now.

[FearofUnknown]

Same here! I sabotaged my dream career and now I can't stop repeating in my head to rewind and undo that mistake of quitting work! I wasted years of my life under-diagnosed and now I have a foggy memory about what has been happening all this time! I can't remember how I've lived all these wasted years! I only know now; my brain is full of stress - it greatly affects my sleep! How to rewind and undo it all @C13 ???

[C13]

I understand. Sleep was something I struggled hard with. It got to the point I would be awake for 40 hours straight and then just pass out from exhaustion. Because my family didn't fully understand why I was randomly falling asleep after these long stretches of being awake they would wake me up. Took a few years before I could actually sleep everynight

[Astel]

Hey dude, 

I'm 28 as well. Had a lot of trauma. Have OCD. I feel like I could have written your post. I have fallen into a victim trap recently, but that is also my mental illness making forward movement hard. The way I see life, and I think this is an indisputable fact, no one is self made. So many factors contributed to who you are right now, majority of which were out of your control. The foundations of your mental illness or aspects of yourself you don't like were most likely already laid as a kid through your attachments to caregivers, any neglect, or genetics. \Yes we all as cognizent human beings have the ability to make choices in our day to day, and we must have a level of responsiblity, but getting caught in a viscious cycle of blaming yourself in hindsight for things when this is your first time being alive, is simply not constructive, it is destructive. You had no dress rehearsal, this is your first time and my first time being alive.

I say all this to highlight the importance and necessity of self compassion. A writer I like said shame and guilt are two of the most unuseful emotions if utilised in the wrong way. You should use them to send you upwards, learning from what happened and growing positively, instead letting them turn inward and bring you down, which doesn't help anyone. 

Also, very little of real worth in life is achieved from a place of comparison, shame, or fear. Doing things from this place more often than not leads to more regrets. Try to make yourself feel lighter and happier, through exercise, diet and being around good, helpful people and then take action and you will see there is much less resistance and things will work out more often. 

You need to relieve some of this pressure and self loathing inside you. A lot of these expectations you put on yourself honestly just come from capitalism and they're not real. If you're looking after your body and mind, treating yourself like someone you are responsible for caring for and being kind to others, you are doing enough as a human being. Anything on top of that is a bonus. 

Take care man.