Struggling to respect boundaries after a breakup

[thickets]

Hello all, 

I am really struggling through a tough breakup. My ex feels our dynamic was not healthy for her, and has ended things. I feel that through the last month of reflection and therapy that I understand these feelings, but feel we would would be good together again. My attempts to share this have only pushed her further and further away from me, though, and I realised the only way to lessen that was to back away and give her the space she needs. 

I spent the last two weeks with no contact. No messages, no calls. I guess I was hoping for an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" feeling, where she'd miss me and what we had together. 

Within that time, I convinced myself that it would be okay, and still within alignment for her boundaries, if I sent her flowers and a handwritten card for her. On the weekend one of her favourite bands was in town, and the card said "Happy <band's name> day! I know you've been looking forward to this for a long time. I hope it's absolutely magical. With love, warmth and care, <my name>"

I had been using this day as a goal to reach, to help me through the tough days when I really wanted to make contact and reach out. She wrote me after the flowers arrived, saying I shouldn't have sent them, it looked very expensive, and that I needed to be focusing on moving on and letting go. She said it made her feel guilty, because she could see the effort I'd put in and that the gesture was from a good place, but it still hurt her. 

Now I'm left struggling, and I no longer have that goal that was anchoring me and helping me through the days. I feel so much worse than I did last week, like I've made everything so much worse.

I know I can't reach out again. But I'm struggling with the pain now, and no longer have the light at the end of the tunnel that was helping me stay on track. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @thickets Welcome to the forums

Ending relationships can be so, so hard, especially when you weren't ready for it to end. It's completely natural to go through a period of grieving which can be very intense, and sometimes isn't spoken about as much, but it's very real and can be hard to get through. 

I'm hearing that this has caused you to do quite a bit of reflection and that you're learning and reflecting on not only the relationship, but also on how to navigate these new boundaries and what that's been like for you. It is completely understandable to make some missteps when we're working out new boundaries that others have set, but it sounds like you've listened and been able to move forward taking that knowledge, which isn't always easy to do, especially when we're hurting.

Have you been able to reach out to any friends or loved ones? It's hard because these are the times when we often most want to be alone but I think it's one of the times when we need our friends the most.

And it might not be easy right now that you're in the thick of it, but maybe in time you could start to think about things that you had been looking forward to - or even making plans that are just for you and give you something to look forward to and work towards.

I guess to end this I'll just say that heartbreak is brutal, and I'm really sorry that you're going through this, though I'm glad that you've felt able to reach out here