What to do with spare time?

[Ellie]

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement Karen. I can see that you've been through your own share of life changing MI.

I don't even end up in the MHU if I phone my "team." They just talk to me and ask if there's anything I can do to make the feelings go away. It was once suggested that I take a warm bath and relax. WTF?? What kind of advice is that??

I could sometimes do with a stay in the MHU because I just need protection for a couple of days, but it's probably not going to happen. My case worker said that if I should become seriously suicidal, then to phone the mental health team and they'd put me in for 48 hours, but what's the use of that? As soon as I get out, the same old feelings will return and I'll be back to square one. Anyway, the local MHU is full of people in the grips of psychotic states caused by the Ice epidemic. There's no room at the "inn" for suicidal people. Apart from that, I just can't call when I'm in that state of mind. That's when I really don't want to be here and am struggling to stay alive. The thought of phoning the MI team isn't the first thing on my mind. In short, I just can't lift the phone to "put myself in."

Sorry you're not in the best place at the moment. I will Google you suggestions, and I really do understand that people here are our family, so we'll never feel alone.

Thank you Karen. I'm thinking of you.

[hiddenite]

Hey Ellie
I really wouldn't recommend a MHU it is so traumatizing. Makes the thoughts worse.
I'm glad you are going to look some of the techniques up. Remember no miracle solution they take practice but they can be very useful.
Even if you could make a box of things that soothe you so you can go to it when needed.
favorite perfume , comforting music , crystals or gem stones , just things that are special to you.
On a good day you could write a note to yourself why you are special and deserve to be here.
or some posative affirmations up to you.

Yea ive been told not to think about it....

hang in there
karen

[Alessandra1992]

Hi @Ellie, if you happen to be on Facebook you might like to join the group PDAN, Personality Disorder Awareness Network. It is a really great source of useful strategies, stigma busting and I really use a lot of their posts.
Also, maybe think about joint a peer support group as it is really hard to figure out how to stuff in a book..I find books are great to refer to, but I always have learned better if someone shows me..and a group has the benefit of not being the only person trying to learn...maybe there is a dbt group? Or a bpd group? Or a group like grow..

So heartened that you're joining the bonfire, I love salami..I will bring some bread to toast and cheese..

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Hi @Ellie 

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this, hope it improves soon.

I'm in the same boat as you when it comes to phoning when I need to. I have such a hard time talking to people I don't know, and I have trouble calling people at the best of times, let alone when I'm feeling like that.

I had my psych appointment (finally!!) on Wednesday, and we made a "coping box" for when I'm feeling suicidal or the urge to self harm, or "when I'm feeling too much". It's pictures of things I love, quotes, pets and the like. A Doctor Suess book, some pencils and colouring in, a few little puzzles, a fuzzy stuffed cow a disney movie (lion king 2) and an xbox game (lego harry potter). There's also a list of a few people I can message when I need to talk to someone, I think the idea is to have some distracions when you feel like that. I've had a good week, so I have yet to work out if it's useful yet. 😛

I also have to stuff from that workbook. I always get stuck on it coz I'm such a pefectionist, and I can never figure out the answers. And I feel worse because I can't "name the emotion I am feeling" I am feeling all the feels dammit, instensity level- 100!

Anyhoo. Hope you're feeling well soon. I know that only new and don't talk much, but I feel like we are all friends here, and I don't want to lose any more friends. ❤️

P.S- I've never been to a bonfire... Sounds like fun. I will bring sparklers, and marshmallows. I have never tried a roasted marshmallow, so I want try soon. 😄 😄

[Ellie]

Hi Sandy and thanks for the suggestions. I am on FB, but don't know enough about it to know if my usual "friends" will also be able to see that I've joined PDAN. In short, I just don't trust FB. I'm never sure who can see what I write.

However, I do belong to a support group in Melbourne even though it means nearly a two hour drive to get there, but it's only one day a month. Our group also has a message board and some of us use it to  keep in contact with each other between group meetings, especially when we're not feeling too flash.

I live not far from a major rural city, one of the biggest in Victoria, but the public funded MH service there do not run any DBT programs. They keep talking about it, but nothing ever happens. I've just written to my local member in an attempt to rectify this, but it will take time for her to respond. I also aim to write to the Victorian Minister for Health outlining the need to fund such programs. The silly part is that a NSW study determined that for every person 12 months post beginning a DBT course, the Government saved something like $5,500 per person. The savings came from less police and ambulance involvement and of course less time spent in MH services. Governments are never going to listen to common sense in regards for the need to help people suffering BPD, but perhaps they will listen if it improves the state of their coffers. It's a sad thing to have to do, to bring monetary saving into play when discussing these issues with pollies, but money is the only language they understand!

[Ellie]

Hi CBL (hope you don't mind the abbreviation). It will be interesting to see if your "coping box" actually works. I can see how it would. Distraction is the key I suppose. My biggest problem is that my suicidal urges can strike so quickly and that's all I can relate to at the time. I have lots of things to do, but that horrible feeling once triggered, is all I can think about. It's like wrestling with a crocodile. I might get away from his jaws today, but he always waiting for me to go back in for a swim.

I also experiencing great difficulty in being able to name an emotion. I know for me, it's as though I'm feeling more than one emotion at once. It's very difficult to weed out the original emotion that caused the anguish because it's already transformed into something not quite definable. Hope that makes sense. If it does and you also feel that way, then you're not alone.

I'm feeling better as I write, but a little angry. I have a pipe trench to back-fill and it's been raining and still threatening to rain. I've been using the pipe trench as a form of therapy. Digging and hard work is great for that, but the more it rains the harder it is to move the soil back into the trench. It's clay and turns to a solid mass  Of well. I'll have a shot at it after lunch.

Hope you are feeling ok too CBL and do let me know how that coping box works out.

Kind regards,

Ellie.

[NikNik]

Wow @Crazy_Bug_Lady , I love the idea of a coping box.

hmmm maybe we need one in the Forums that people can come to if they need it and members can contribute pictures/quotes/videoes that they find useful... Feel free to start a thread in 'Looking After Our Wellbeing' @Crazy_Bug_Lady if you feel up to it!

@Ellie I'm sorry to read you've been going through some tough stuff lately. I hope things are improving. It sounds like you have an understanding of what works and what doesn't for you. I think all of us respond differently to different modes of help seeking and treatment. eg: I know @kenny66 finds the mhu really helpful when he needs it.

When we're in distress, breaking moments down and handling things minute by minute makes things more manageable. With this in mind, even if you feel a crisis line is only going to help you for the duration of the call, a couple of hours or days, it is still assistance through that very minute that you may not have otherwise had.

I really hope things have improved overnight. We're here and listening *virtual hugs*

Nik

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Hey @Ellie 

CBL is fine, I should have gone with a shorter name, but it suits me so well. 😛

I get the same way when it comes to the thoughts and urges, thankfully antidepressants have helped me enough that I have a bit of a break here and there, and they are nowhere near as strong, so I am learning to fight them and challenge them.

I have the same trouble with emotions too! I can never work out what the first feeling is, or even identify the many emotions. Or rate them. Which is why my psych said the box is good for "when I feel too much". I am sorta relieved to find I'm not the only one who feels like this, but at the same time a bit sad that someone else has to suffer like I do. At least we can all band together and offer each other support to help find our way out of the woods.

Hope you're feeling okay, and hope you're getting the trench under control. 🙂

[Ellie]

Thanks CBL. I do love your handle, but it's simply easier to abreviate it.

I'm actually feeling pretty good tonight. I can have the highest of days, only to crash the next day or even sooner, but tonight I'm having a few beers and listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival with the speakers up loud and enjoying the music.

Hope you're also having a break from the pressures of this hideous disorder. Thinking of you and everyone else on this site who might be going through a bad time right now.

[Jon22]

That's what this site is for. To understand, support and help each other.
Hope everyone is fine.